The Devil Went Down To Jordan: Charlie Daniels in Israel
RATYHTL's favorite dick freckle, Charlie Daniels, has just gotten back from Israel - the only foreign country Fundies ever seem to visit - and he's begun writing about it on the Charlie Daniels' Soapbox. As a subscriber to both Biblical Archeology Review and Juggs., I was eager to see how Mr. Daniels trip to the "Holy Land" compared to a similar journey taken by one Lisa "Blair" Whelchel.
My family and myself [sic] recently joined our pastor and a small group of people from our church for a trip to the land of Israel.
We were only there for seven days but the sights we saw in that short time is [sic] truly mind-boggling.
Regular readers of the Soapbox are no doubt aware that Charlie probably also found the Magic Fingers on the bed at the Jerusalem Days Inn as well as any shiny objects he happened to encounter on the way to the airport to be "truly mind-boggling".
Israel is a land of contradiction and conundrum, of old enemies living side by side in an uneasy truce that is constantly challenged by the intransience of the three world religions that consider it to be The Holy Land.
Yes, gentle readers, Charlie just used the words "conundrum" and "intransience". Looks like somebody must've found a thesauruses while rummaging through the dumpster behind B-p ‘R' Us. Even more remarkable (as I plan to remark upon it) is CD's cultural sensitivity towards the locals:
It's easy to spot an Arab settlement for two reasons, first because of what looks like dozens of unfinished houses, and unfinished houses are exactly what they are, but with a twist.
When the son of an Arab family takes a wife, he doesn't move out of his father's house to set up housekeeping with his new bride, instead they both move in with the groom's family, necessitating the need for more living space.
They, for the most part, just ignore the building codes of the state of Israel and just start building a new level on the house, and more often than not forego painting and even leaving exposed rebar sticking up from the roof.
Secondly, the whole area is littered with trash, which evidently is just tossed out on the ground around the residences evidently in contempt of Jewish rule.
I though Charlie was a fan of degradation, as in "Ain't no government man gonna tell me my outhouse has to be at least thirty feet from my trailer door." Also, it should be pointed out that Charlie lives in a section of the country where unkempt lawns are littered with the innards of Trans Ams, so I don't know how much weight his criticism of the abundance of litter along the Gaza Strip holds. Hey Charlie, do you think it's possible that those Ay-rabs purposely dumped all that trash there just to make hillbilly Christian tourists feel at home?
One of the truly amazing things about Israel is the ingenuity of the ancient civilizations that built it. The size of the stones which were quarried and moved from sites many miles away and how a wall was constructed with stones weighing many tons all stacked atop each other, you have to wonder how they lifted them.
Well, I used to wonder about stuff like that, until one day in second grade when our teacher, Mrs. Lawrence, made the science behind pulleys, levers, inclined planes, and fulcrums was made abundantly clear to my classmates and me.
Roman architecture is evident everywhere in Israel. The Romans had strict codes of construction that had to be adhered to and parts of the aqueducts they built are still standing. The intricacy of bringing water from a far away source and building the aqueducts in a way to keep the water flowing is nothing short of amazing for people who didn't have the modern tools to measure the exact gradual drop required to keep the water flowing.
So, God led the Children of Israel to the only spot in the Middle East where there's no oil and then didn't even have the common decency to provide them with the basic mathematic concepts needed for large-scale engineering? The very same knowledge that had been available to Pagans for centuries? What a douche! No wonder the Bible gets the value of pi wrong.
Israel is a small country, roughly the size of the state of Massachusetts, but this tiny nation will play the biggest of role of any nation in international politics in the days to come.
This must be the first time that Charlie has mentioned Massachusetts in a not-so-derogatory manner, and even then I bet he was thinking "I wonder how they managed to fit so many faggots into such a tiny state."
I was much impressed with Israel and will devote the next few columns to our trip and the places we visited. I will take you from the place where the battle of Armageddon will be fought to the holy city of Jerusalem and all the spots and experiences in between.
If it's OK with you, Charlie, I'll avoid the conundrum and intransience of your blog and stick to the latest issue of National Geographic: it has a really good piece in there about King Herod.