On The Fist Day of Caligumas My True Love Gave To Me...
... A white horse in a marble stable
OK, let's get one huge misconception about Caligula out of the way: he never made his favorite horse, Incitatus, a senator. Got it? No four-legged Senator Seabiscuit. Never happened.
Of course, that's not to say that Caligula never thought about making Incitatus a senator. After all, according to both Suetonius and Cassius Dio, Caligula did supply Incitatus with a marble stable complete with an ivory manger. And then there was that incident with Penelope.
Caligula has procured a mare name Penelope for Incitatus. Eventually, concerned that the two horses were living in sin, Caligula had them married.
So, on a crazy scale where is the average Southerner is a 1.8, Joan Crawford was a 7, and Cynthia McKinney is a 10, Caligula was 27.9; right? Not-so-fast, Dr. Benway!
According to Anthony Barret, author of Caligula: The Corruption of Power, Caligula was simply a man who'd suffered from a horrible childhood, and later, when given unlimited power and wealth, began to act a little ... um... eccentric: a sort of proto- Michael Jackson. [Vienna is currently reading The First Queen of England: The Myth of "Bloody Mary", which basically says the same thing about Mary "Charred Protestant-on-a-Stick" Tudor]
This theory may not be as farfetched as it at first sounds. After all, let's say that you awoke tomorrow morning to find that you'd been declared Emperor of America and protector of Mexico, and given an unlimited income; what would be the first three things you'd do?
Comments
1. I'd have all "No Swimming" signs replaced with "Swim at Your Own Risk" signs. No matter how disgusting a body of water may be, there's always some putz willing to take a dip in it, and when they do, I don't want them to crying to my Grand Bezier just because they swallowed a band-aide.
2. All sermons (and many Infomercials) will be accompanied by a laugh track.
3. In German it's illegal to give a kid a silly name. I'd decree a similar law, here in the states, for animals. Pets used to have great names like "Cerberus" and "Bucephalus" (When I was kid, there was family living down the road who owned a black Labrador retriever named "Hannibal" - OK, it's vaguely racist, but at least they knew their history). Since the Ignoroids took over in 1980, one out of every three dogs is now named "Mr. Fluffy McPicklenose"
Posted by: Rodney Anonymous![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rodneyanonymous.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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August 20, 2008 07:37 PM
1. All mimes would be rounded and dealt with appropriately.
2. Big Macs would be renamed Big Shits.
3. I would take steps to move us away from having a consumer-based economy and toward a stupidity-based economy. Not sure what exactly what this means but, being emperor, it’d be my choice. No more salad shooters!!
Posted by: PeregrineFrost![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rodneyanonymous.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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August 20, 2008 09:22 PM
I'm sorry, but my knowledge of Caligula is only based on the 1970's porn movie and Robert Graves' "I, Claudius".
1. TV sets will be removed from America's finer "Ferns & Brass" restaurants so I can actually pay attention to my date.
2. Women with nice legs required to wear skirts. Women without nice legs required to start working out.
3. Cellphone use in the cinema punishable by extreme torture.
Posted by: billzebub![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rodneyanonymous.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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August 21, 2008 08:53 AM