Thoughtless for the Day

Before we move on to today's topic, I just wanted to promise all of you that as soon as Book TV puts up video of last night's episode of After Words, featuring a discussion between Reason's Nick Gillespie and Freethinker and Real Word Season 4 cast member Susan Jacoby about Susan's new book "The Age of American Unreason".

Speaking of dumbing things down...

The Black Shield of Falworth in which Tony Curtis, in a thick Brooklyn accent, utters the immortal line "Yondah lies da castle uh me faddah, da king" is generally regarded to be the worst film about the Middle Ages ever made. The best would probably be Da Name uh da Rose.

Now that that's settled; let's embark on a quest to determine which movie can claim the title of "The Worst Movie about the Classical World Ever Made." And, as anything worth doing is either worth doing right or doing drunk, let's establish some ground rules to keep us on track:

1. The "Classical World" shall mean the period between 800 BCE and late October of 411 CE in the area around the Mediterranean. This means that Beowulf and King Arthur for example, are off the table for discussion. Oddly, Arthur is not off the table, as it starred Sir John Gielgud who was also in Oedipus, Julius Caesar, and a film he tried to take his name off: Caligula.

2. While themes of Mythology are acceptable, Fantasy is not. Jason and the Argonauts is in. Conan the Barbarian is out.

3. NO Biblical movies: I don't care if there is a Roman governor and half of the Sixth Legion in your goddamn movie, they're only there to nail up Jesus.

4. Each movie shall be rated on two factors: Authenticity and Entertainment. How historically accurate or close to the literary text is the film, and is it watchable? While I don't want to be distracted by the fact that the Theban hoplites are wearing Ray-Bans and Rolexes, I also don't want to drift off while being impressed that the director got the length of Emperor Julian's beard correct.

"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"
- Captain Oveur from "Airplane"

5. Finally, a "Gayness Factor" of "Not-So-Gay", "Kinda Gay", and "Fuh-laaaaay-ming!" assigned to it. Not that there's anything wrong with that. The Gayness Factor does not impact the movies overall rating. It's just there to reflect the fact that some of these films have might have been made with 10% of the male population in mind.

Alrighty, now that we have our rules, we can get moving. Next time, I'll pick two films and we'll get to judging.