No Child Left Behind Blue Eyes
There's nothing like the feeling of sitting down to write a column that you know at least one presidential candidate and the sitting President wouldn't be able to understand. So, Mr. Huckabee and Mr. Bush, please don't feel obligated to read what follows. Just for the two of you, here's a lovely link to an article about Creation Myths that someone on your staff can read to you. Yes, there are pictures.
For the rest of us, it's time that this nation had a frank, no-holds-barred discussion about color: eye color. My eyes are brown; my mother's eyes are brown; my younger sister's eyes are brown. Normally, that would be the end of this piece and you'd be looking at the Words of the Day and then surfing over to that "2 Girls 1 Cup" video, if it weren't for my older sister. My older sister has blue eyes.
"Well, whoopdie-fuckin'-do. ", you might say. "Plenty of people have blue eyes. Why don't you go back to writing about tiny plastic soldiers? We like that." OK, the first reason why we're talking about blue eyes is because 10,000 years ago, nobody had blue eyes! Don't just take my word for it; Live Science says it's true.
Think about it. If you, like me, have brown eyes, you have something in common with everybody who lived more than 10,000 years ago. If you don't own an iPod and have a hairy back, you have three things in common. This means that if someone invented a time machine tomorrow that could travel back in time 10,000 years (yes, I know that the time machine couldn't go back to before it was built, but…um…fuck Huckabee), everybody with blue eyes would have to stay home in order not to draw attention to themselves. Or they could wear brown contact lenses, I guess. OK, forget about that.
The second reason why were talking about blue eyes is because, according to geneticists, every person you meet with blue eyes has at least one single ancestor in common. That's right; one person managed to spread the blue eye gene (OCA2) around enough that it can now be found all over the planet (With the exception of Harlem).
Now, think about this. If my sister has blue eyes, then at least one of my parents (or the mailman) has in their ancestry, the first blue-eyed individual: which means that the first blue-eyed individual was also an ancestor of mine. Interesting? Maybe. Disturbing? Definitely. Why? Because Ann Coulter has blue eyes, and 100 generations is absolutely not enough distance from that crazy bitch.