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Gus, Your Wife is a Bigfoot

cainfoot1.jpgThis just in: Bigfoot is Cain. Yep, that Cain - the one from the Bible. So, we're three sentences into this post and it's already time for a recap: Not only is Bigfoot real, but so is Cain, and they are one-in-the same, or at least that what some Mormon theologians seem to believe.

And what evidence do these Mor(m)ons base this amazing claim on? See, that's the problem with you Liberal Atheist types: you continue to demand that people back up their bullshit claims with evidence. But you must insist, here it is:

"As I was riding along the road on my mule I suddenly noticed a very strange personage walking beside me. He walked along beside me for about two miles. His head was about even with my shoulders as I sat in my saddle. He wore no clothing, but was covered with hair. His skin was very dark. I asked him where he dwelt and he replied that he had no home, that he was a wanderer in the earth and traveled to and fro. He said he was a very miserable creature, that he had earnestly sought death during his sojourn upon the earth, but that he could not die, and his mission was to destroy the souls of men. About the time he expressed himself thus, I rebuked him in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by virtue of the Holy Priesthood, and commanded him to go hence, and he immediately departed out of my sight."

That was David W. Patten, a leader in the early Mormon Church, describing his 1835 encounter with what was either Bigfoot, Cain, Rob Zombie, or a combination of all three.

So, there is at least one presidential candidate who probably believes that Cain was a real person who lived less than 8,000 years ago, and another who might possibly believe that not only was Cain a real person who lived less than 8,000 years ago, but that Cain is still alive and leaving gigantic footprints all over the Pacific Northwest.

Next time, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld will help us to understand how the lack of evidence for the existence of Bigfoot is, in actually, evidence of the existence of Bigfoot. I'm serious.



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Remember that one bad vampire movie where Dracula was really Judas? Or how about "Roar", where what's-his-face was Longinus? Ok, I realize I may be the only person on earth who watches such things, but those two are both way cooler ideas than "Cain is Bigfoot".

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