Blair's Xmas 2007 E-letter (Part One)
Hey there Facts of Cellulite fans, Lisa "Blair" Whelchel's Xmas 2007 E-letter found its way into my inbox (and my heart) on Friday night, and the Lord (of the Pit) is compelling me to share it with you. I don't want to give anything away, but it becomes apparent pretty early on that Blair is off her meds. Enjoy and remember to remain seated until the E-letter comes to a complete stop:
Christmas 2007 E-letter
(Sorry this is so late but, heck, we still have our Christmas tree up! I think that is my subconscious believing that it should be Christmas all through the year. Hope your holiday was happy and your New Year full of hope.)
We're one paragraph in and Blair's already off to a bad start. "Christmas all through the year"? Mike "Hee Haw" Huckabee ought to use that as his campaign slogan.
Christmas 2007
Dear Friend,
[Bullshit deleted]
This past summer, our whole family took a pilgrimage to Israel to tour the Holy Land. We had an incredible guide who was passionately in love with the "God of Details." He taught us to ask questions and dig deep for multi-layers of treasures hidden everywhere in the Scriptures. One of the unearthed gems was the revelation that the translation of the name "Bethlehem" is "House of Bread." What a coincidence!
I hate to raise the ugly specter of "Jerusalem Syndrome", but when you consider that David Koresh returned from Israel convinced that he was the Messiah, it might be for the best if we all kept an eye on Blair for a while, least she pronounce herself the living incarnation of the Whore of Babylon. Come to think of it, Bush just spent this week visiting Israel. Fuck it; we've been calling him "Nimrod" for years.
"Jesus said to them, 'I am the bread of life, whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.'" - John 6:35
"Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood." - H. L. Mencken
If you took the time to read our annual family report last year before harvesting the picture and tossing the envelope with the letter still inside, then you will recall that we decided to be a little more real about what 2006 looked like for the Cauble family. In this year's letter, I've asked each member of our family to write their own synopsis of how Jesus entered the emptiness as Savior in 2006 and filled it as the Bread of Life in 2007.
"... harvesting the picture and tossing the envelope with the letter still inside..." Shit Luther, Blair has a really jaundiced view of her fans. Maybe that's part of being "a little more real". By the way Blair, you might want to cut back on those second helpings of the "Bread of Life"
Lisa - In 2006, my publisher was sold to another one and the new company was not thrilled with the acquisition of Lisa Whelchel and the less-than-stellar sales of her most recent book release. I felt unwanted, embarrassed, burned-out, and empty.
In 2007, the Bread of Life said, "I want you, I accept you, be still and let me fill you." So I have entered a yearlong sabbatical from writing. I have slowed way down from the busyness and driveness and striving for "success", and I'm happier than I've ever been, concentrating on "being" rather than "doing". This slower pace has most definitely revealed a soul-hole that I've attempted to fill and bury with distractions, but the more I do nothing the more emptiness Jesus fills with His self-rising Bread.
"I want you, I accept you, be still and let me fill you." Fuckin' priceless! So is "soul-hole". And Jesus' "self-rising Bread" isn't exactly free of Freudian connotations either. "I want you; I accept you; be still and let me fill your soul-hole with my self-rising Bread." Stick that in a book, Blair, and you might sell a few copies.
Next time, Blair's husband, Steve, and her kids chime in. My advice: stock up on anti-depressants, folks.
