Thoughtless for the Day

"Deep within the heart of every evangelist lays the wreck of a car salesman."
- H L Mencken

I don't blog very often about my personal life because this site, despite its title, isn't really about me. It's about the other important things in life: History, Archaeology, Linguistics, and Lisa "Blair" Whelchel. That said, I've chosen today, a day when families all over this once-great land of ours, to shame with you my secret shame. You see, and this is a very difficult thing for me to admit, last summer my parents moved below the Mason Dickson Line.

Listen, I'm not having an easy time seeing the keyboard through the tears that welled up in my eyes, so I'm going to ask all you to turn away from your monitors for a minute while I have a word, in private, with my folks.

Way to fuckin' go, Mom and Dad. Sweet Southern-Fried Jesus Jerkin' Off in the Stockroom at a Winn Dixie, who the fuck moves to a part of the world where all of your neighbors look the courtroom crowd from Inherit The Wind? Why not just join the Taliban why you're at it? Do you're getting for Mithrasmas? A burqa for Mom, a white hood for dad, and a Mike Huckabee sign for your front lawn. Everything that's currently wrong with America can be traced to the Red States. Do you think it's just a coincidence that tele-evangelists have Southern accents? I swear on Reverend Moon's crown that if the North declared war on the South tomorrow, I'd enlist in the morning, make it through basic training by lunch, and would be leading a squadron of tanks into Virginia by dinnertime.

That was cathartic. In fact, I feel so much better that I'd like to talk about tiny plastic roman soldiers.

Now that you've applied primer to your TPRS (as well as their shields) and let them sit for twenty-four hours, it's time to carefully "snap" them off the pencil onto which they've been glued. Before you start painting, I'd just like to once more emphasize the importance of both a magnifying device and a good, flexible desk lamp. Painting 1/72 scale figures with these items is tough enough: without them it's nearly impossible.

Here's the order in which I paint: Base first (the first coat on the base, along with the first coats on the fronts and backs of shields is one of the few times that you can use a "larger" brush), then paint from the "inside-out", starting with flesh, then tunics, then armor, then scabbards, straps, weapons, etc. In other words, you should start off with something like this:

And a few days later have something like this:

A few days??? Yes, a few days. Here's the most valuable tip I'm likely to impart to you: painting TPRS is intricate and time consuming work that cannot be rushed. So, take frequent breaks. I only work on my TPR army for about a half hour a night on weeknights and whatever time I can get in on the weekends. Remember, this is supposed to be fun.

While I'm handing out tips, I should probably say a word or two about historical accuracy vs. artistic freedom. For the best results, stick as closely as possible to what your soldiers would've actually worn (This info can be found on Hat's website as well as in Osprey books, and on many public restroom walls), because they'll look much more realistic. That said, there's nothing more disturbing than someone who takes his (and I say "his" because women much too smart than to waste their lives painting tiny figurines) TPRS way too seriously. Recently a visitor to my home commented that some of the colors and patterns on the clothing of my Syrian archers (see pic below) might now be historically accurate. I was forced to point out the actual Syrians employed by the Romans were also much taller than mine.

Next time we'll finish up painting and I might even have something to say about Attis.