Thoughtless for the Day

All this week I'll be walking you through the steps of painting your tiny plastic Roman soldiers (and I'm not speaking metaphorically). Hopefully, this will help to answer the question I get asked most often: "Why the Hell is it taking you so long to paint damn soldiers? I mean. The joke went stale months ago." If you'd have no life whatsoever and would like to follow along, here's what you'll need:

1) 1 box on tiny plastic Roman soldiers. These are really the key element in this project. I'll be using Imperial Roman Extra Heavy Legionaries in this example (These soldiers were known for their off-kilter sense of humor: which means that they used to get their kicks by crucifying prisoners in "funny" positions), but you can use Dacians, or Assyrians (whoa, those are kinda cool), or whatever you can get away with shoplifting from your local hobby store. Just make sure that it's an ancient civilization, otherwise you're Gay (not that there's anything wrong with being Gay, unless, of course, you were picked up along I-35 and brainwashed). A box o' soldiers should set you back less than ten bucks.

2) 1 spray can of white primer (Model Masters) and 1 spray can of gloss cote (Testors). These'll run you about five bucks each. To learn even more about spray paint, be sure to rent Citizen Ruth.

3) 1 bottle of Elmer's Glue. I'm pretty sure Elmer's glue is free because I don't remember ever paying for bottle: it's always just around.

4) 1 magnifying glass thingy on a stand. Like the idiot I am, I actually painted about forty soldiers before I wised up and bought one of these for five dollars at a flea market.

5) 1 X-acto knife. I paid fifty cents for this one at a yard sale. And then I stabbed the old lady who sold it to me. Circle of Life, man. Circle of Life.

6) At least 2 "5/0" and 1 "0" brushes. I'm going to say I paid about five dollars total for these three brushes. I'm also going to say that I would think twice before letting Mike Huckabee's son dog-sit. Christ of the Ozarks! Take a gander at the Huckabee Family/The Hills Have Eyes Christmas ( Natalis Solis Invicti to the rest of us) card, if you dare!

7) Paint. I prefer Testors and Model Master (which may actually be the same company). The good folks at Hat were kind enough to post a painting guide for uniforms.

OK, you've got twenty-four hours to gather your supplies and to work yourself into a frenzy, because tomorrow night I'll start showing you how to paint you tiny plastic soldiers. I might also be saying a word or two about the god Attis.