Condolences to Dennis Kucinich on the death of his brother, Perry.
Our story so far...
Apologies of the massive kind for the lack of bloggage last night. I went to the City Paper Natalis Solis Invicti party, had a few too many beers; came home and went straight to bed. Speaking of the CP. My review of Rome and Jerusalem has been posted/publish.
At least the delay hopefully gave you a little more time to gather up your supplies, for this week's "Master Class" in How to Paint Tiny Plastic Roman Soldiers. by the way, in the last post, I failed to mention two more things you'll need: a pencil and a paper clip. If you don't have these, Staples is open until 11 O'clock in most major cities as well as in Sacramento.
In order to rid today's post of any sense of continuity, I'll be peppering it with excerpts from CNN's I-Report: How do you talk to kids about Britney's sister?. And while were on the subject of CNN, you have to check out this steaming pile of Neanderthink from Roland S. Martin. Don't forget to use the comments section to let Ms. Martin know what you think of him. And remember, "scrotum-muncher" is hyphenated.
Ready to get started? No? Well, fuck you, Charlie, 'cuz here we go:
The first thing you'll need to do is to use your X-acto knife to free four or five soldiers (I'll be using four in this example because I already have a Tesserarius painted) from their plastic surroundings. Also use the x-acto knife to clean off any excess plastic hanging off the soldiers (there usually isn't very much if any)
"I'm a 24-year-old mother, and my sister became a mom for the first time at 16. Her second son was born when she was 19. All you can do is educate your children. If you tell them what not to do, they'll do it. Once they hit the teenage years, and they start being allowed to go out with their friends and start dating, you have to trust that what you taught them is/was enough. When my daughter gets older, I plan on educating her on the consequences of premarital sex (she was born out of wedlock, but I was a bit older -- 23, to be exact). Just watching my sister struggle with her decision to give her son up was tough."
Thanks Lauren Middleton of Dublin, Ohio. Now we all know that you and your sister are a couple of sluts. Just kidding.
Now that your soldiers are on the loose, show them a good a time by giving them a bath in hot, soapy water.
Honestly, I have no goddamn clue why you're supposed to soak your soldiers (huh huh); I mean, it's not like they got filthy sitting in a box, but every expert I've consulted insists that this be done, although it does seem somewhat counterintuitive to bathe Barbarians.
And for those of you who wrote in asking which kinds of tiny plastic soldiers are Gay and which ones aren't, here's a quick rule of thumb: If your solders aren't from a Mediterranean region and are living after 400 CE, they are definitely Gay. Sorry, that's just how it is.
Now, let your soldiers dry for at least three hours.
"I have a 9-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old son. I will use this as an opportunity to talk to them about why they should wait for marriage or at least until they're older to begin having sex. After the Vanessa Hudgens nude photo scandal and now this, I think we're going to stop watching television for a while. At least until I can make my kids understand that actors are not the people they portray on the screen. My heart just breaks for Lynn Spears. I hope 2008 is better for her than 2007 has been."
hey, Frances Cleveland of Alabaster, Alabama, now might be a good time to to talk to your kids about why it's important not to be the sort of moron who turns off the TV just because some juvenile bimbo has a bun in the oven.
Once your soldiers have dried, you'll need to break out the Elmer's and glue them to a pencil, thusly:
Leave them be for at least twelve hours.
" I'm telling the kids "Zoey101" has been canceled. I hope Nickelodeon does the right thing and cancels the show. She is a role model for young girls. Looks like she's following in the footsteps of her sister."
That's right, Arden VanNatten of Schenectady, New York; lying to your children is always the best policy.
Next time, we'll apply primer and do a little painting. Oh, and I might even get around to saying a thing or two about the god Attis.