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Because "Ziusudra's Ark" didn't test well with Focus Groups

noahs_ark.jpgTo be honest, it takes a lot to believe in the Big Bang Theory (ironically conceived of by a Priest). You have to be willing to accept that all of the matter in the Universe once occupied a tiny area before suddenly expanding into an explosion of hot gasses which eventually cooled forming the stars in which the atoms that make up you and
I were formed (OK, it helps that we can actually hear the echo of the Big Bang). On the other hand, in order to believe that the story of Noah's Ark actually went down the way in which it is described in the Bible, you have to be willing to swallow that two of every animal (or one pair of every "unclean" animal* and seven pairs of every "clean" animal - the Bible includes two conflicting versions. It's also a little vague on whether or not the flood lasted for 40 or 150 days) managed to make their way across mountains, rivers, deserts, and oceans (Many Biblical Literalists insist that the Earth was "flatter" before the Great Flood, making the migration of animals much easier), were they were crammed aboard a boat (Some Fundamentalists insist that dinosaurs were included in the menagerie. However, since these were teenaged dinosaurs, they didn't take up too much space) thus surviving a global flood.

That said, despite the tremendous leap of faith involved, there are people (adults, mind you) currently engaged in the sad, sad attempt to locate Noah's Ark. **

And yet, not a single soul is looking for Utnapishtim's Ark, or Ziusudra's Ark, or even Atrahasis' Ark. These where the heroes of the Babylonian and Sumerian flood stories that predate the Biblical flood tale by nearly 1,000 years (no matter what these smegtards say)and are practically identical to it (In all of the stories god - or the Gods - sends a flood to wipe out all of mankind with the exception of one man and his family who have been instructed to build a boat and stock it with animals. In each tale, the boat comes to rest atop a mountain and birds are released to check for dry land.

So why is Noah remembered when are forgotten? Well, it might be because, as Eric Cline theorizes in From Eden to Exile (from which most of this post - as well the next few posts - is stolen) the story of Noah differs from its predecessors primarily in that it contains a moral: God drowns almost the whole of humanity because they were wicked, whereas, in the earlier versions, the Gods because they were too noisy and kept the Gods awake at night(although the Epic of Gilgamesh gets bonus points for including a wild man who is civilized by having sex with a prostitute)

* This begs the question "Why didn't God just drown all of those unclean animals along with all of those wicked babies and evil pregnant women?"

** "The BASE Institute does not make the claim that we have found Noah's Ark. We'll let you draw your own conclusions." Um... OK, I conclude that the entire BASE Institute is so full of shit that they squeak going into a curve.

More Ark-related comedy courtesy of the World Newt Daily

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Christian Fundies don't want to know that the base of their religious myth (the bible) is nothing more than an amalgamation of older Mesopatamian myths.

Anyone who spends some time crossreferencing Canaanite texts with the old testament will see numerous similarities between Baal and Yah-Way. (Not to mention that it seemes like everytime you turn a page in the "Judges" or the "Kings" you wind up hearing about the Isrealites worshiping Ashera and Baal.)

I also think that teenage dinosaurs would be more trouble than adult dinosaurs. What with the puberty and all...

Luckily, Eegah was on board to keep the teenage dinosaurs in line. Whenever he had troubles, Arch Hall, Jr just lulled them to sleep with a song. It's proven from the recently discovered Noah's Letters to Those Goddamn Pesky Owls.

I personally am glad god didn't drown the unclean animals - those tend to be the most delicious.

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