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November 27, 2007

A Day at the Races

Had you asked me, two weeks ago, if there was a racial component to IQ, I would've answered with an emphatic "Hell no!" After all (and I know that you can't base a theory about an entire group on the actions of a few erratic individuals) isn't Derek Pitts Black while is Lisa "Blair" Whelchel is White?...really, really White.

The problem is that I've always said the difference between Liberals and Conservatives is that Liberals look at all the evidence before forming their opinions, while Conservatives burn books and molest puppies. So, let's take a look at the evidence. We'll start with argument for Race having an impact on IQ:

Now we'll look at the other evidence for Race having an impact on IQ (please note that I'll be leaning heavily - some might say plagiarizing - on a series of pieces written for Slate by William Saletan). Let's go to the scoreboard:

haitgun.jpg In first place among ethnic groups residing in the US we have the Jews with an average IQ of 113. Congratulations on your victory, Jews. Let's just hope the awards ceremony isn't in Alabama.

In second place it's the Asians, chalking up an average IQ of 106. Not the top of the heap, but still clever enough to play joke by putting pee-pee in your coke.

Whites (aka "The Man", "Honkies", and "Mr. Charlie") clock in with an average IQ of 103. An impressive showing when you consider that there are plenty of stupid fuckin' White people out there.

Latinos take fourth place with a not-so-caliente average score of 89, while Blacks find themselves in the back of the IQ bus, with an average score of 85.

Now, you might be tempted to say "Well, sure, this might hold true for the United States with its evil history of Racism and building big cars with fins, but about the rest of the world?"

Bad news (for everybody except Jews and Asians, that is). First of all, remember that Whites are not at the top of the list (as would be expected if a cultural bias were at work). Secondly, when global studies are looked at, the numbers seem to hold up: Asians at about 106, Whites at roughly 100, and sub-Sarahan Africans pulling about 70.

Now, before you get all worked up, just take a deep breath and remind yourself that Michelle Malkin is and Asian, Ben Stein is a Jew, and they're both dumber than a box of rocks. And Malkin is a slut.

Next time we'll take a look at what might be causing the difference in the numbers.

November 23, 2007

Scientific Proof of This Website's Superiority

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At first I thought "This has to be wrong. I mean, reading for college undergrads, theses days, must consist of something a little more substantial than fart jokes and the occasional reference to Juliette Lewis; right?" So I conducted a little experiment. I plugged in www.lisawhelchel.com and got:

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OK, maybe there was something to this reading calculation dohickyamabob after all. Next I entered www.cwfa.org and www.answersingenesis.com. The results were enlightening to say the least:

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I'm going to take the rest of day and ponder the results of the experiment of above. I'm also going to spend a few hours putting the finishing touches on my auxiliary soldiers.


I've nicknamed one of them Sabinus, after the brave Syrian (yes, he looks awfully honky-ish for a Syrian) auxiliary soldier mentioned by Flavius Josephus. And, yes, I haven't forgotten about the Race & IQ piece.

November 22, 2007

God, Guts, and Tim Gunn Made This Country Great (Let's Keep All Three)


Hey there future editors of Conservapedia, I'm taking the day off to give thanks for the death of Jerry Falwell. I promise to have the piece about race and IQ up before the end of the weekend.

November 19, 2007


shackpbs.jpgI've been busier than Michael Jackson on a visit to Boys Town, so I just today got around to following the link on Pharyngula to the PBS ombudsman's site regarding the recent showing of Nova's Judgment Day.

Now, I know it's not polite to make fun of ignorant back-woods, hedge-born, illiterate, inbred, outhouse-sniffin', rim-lappin' smegtards, but you really need to check out some of the well thought out arguments used by the proponents of Intelligent Design:

I have been a faithful watcher of PBS and the NOVA programs over the many years and have always stood up for those who would say that PBS was too liberal in its programming. Your program insulted me and my family with your very jaundiced view and recreation of facts that were slanted heavily towards Darwinism. You did have one science teacher who was pictured in a Roman Catholic Church, as a presumed Christian who said that IF GOD does exist - No more needs be said. I hope you don't find this too mushy, but may God be with you.

- Dan Fahey, Greenwich, CT

Jumpin' Jesus on an Australopithecus, Dan! You'd think that you and brood of slack-jawed lice farmers would be used to being insulted by now. PBS really needs to try harder. And I don't find that "may God be with you" to be too mushy: I find it kind of creepy – like you're coming on to me.

In response to Nova's airing, ID vs. Evolution. I found its simplistic terms for debate addressed to apes and not humans. It stressed the outcome only of the case without truly debating through all disciplines of science that evolution truly occurred. Even Einstein among so many others knew there could not be a time when everything fell into place appropriately. There are other planets that protect us and keep our climate from deteriorating, how did that occur? Nothing in this show was explained, it was so distressing. I definitely believe we were created but not on literal terms of the Bible. There are other cultures that support this but no one has tried to bring all the information together. We need to comfortably be apologists for both sides WITH scientific evidence that is available, until that is done, please don't continue this propaganda.

- Tami, Indianapolis, IN

I'm not sure what the formation of the solar system has to do with evolution, but I do know that Tami better get help - and quickly - before she tries to preach to Word of God in the middle of busy highway.

By the way, I loved the episode and I'm sure that viewers of WKNO in Memphis would've loved it too - had they been allowed to see it.

To viewer David O. Hill, 67, a retired FedEx pilot, the WKNO decision was like refusing to show a Civil War broadcast for fear it would offend some Southerners or a broadcast about Nazi atrocities in World War II "for fear it would offend some Germans in the viewing audience."

Speaking of Creationism (Intelligent Design before the facelift), over at Slate, William Saletan argues that, just as many cattle-molesters refuse to accept Evolution, despite the overwhelming mountain of evidence, so too do many educated liberal types refuse to accept that there may be a racial component to IQ scores. Well look into that pleasant and utterly non-controversial topic next time. Be sure to tell your Jewish lawyer, you Asian accountant, your Hispanic maid, and that Black guy who just broke into your house to check it out.

November 17, 2007

To Err is Schumin (Plus Ancient Thoughtless Unearthed)


Gawdmotherfuckin'damnit! Ben "Holy fuck, look at this range-brown hexagonal non-slip tile" Schumin was in Philly for four days (from last Sunday until Wednesday) and I didn't find out about until it was too late. My grief has been somewhat lessened, howver, by a recent discovery made by the good folks at Wyatt Archaeological Research: A Thoughtless for the Day - one of the very first - from February 13th of 1981! Click on the image below for one of those crazy pdf files that all the kids are so worked up about these days.


November 15, 2007

Aid or Invade XXXIII


It's a double-plus good, obscenity laden Aid or Invade going out to all you boppers. Darwin bless the First Amendment!


FOX News vs. Judith Judith Regan vs. Bernard "Bejeweled badge" Kerik and Rudy "I know nothing" Giuliani.

Oh, and it turns out that the brother of the State Department inspector general serves on Blackwater's advisory board.

November 14, 2007

Ron Wyatt: Father of Bad Archaeology

ronark.jpgHey, I'm not looking to bring anybody down, OK? That's not what this blog(to use the vernacular of the young people) is all about; and that's why I'm not even going to mention my theory that the writing staff of Dexter went on strike months ago and the cast is pretty much making up the show as they go along. That said, there's something I need to tell you about the Ark of the Covenant: It's gone.

I don't mean "gone" as in "lost" as in "Raiders of the..." gone; I mean "gone" as in melted down by King Nebuchadnezzar after his troops sacked the Temple in 586 BCE gone. No, it's not in a secret Government warehouse; neither is it sitting in a shed behind a church in Ethiopia (That’s a Medieval forgery). Eric H. Cline thinks it's gone and that's good enough for me.

Of course that doesn't mean that there aren't plenty amateur archaeologists/comedians searching for the Ark of the Covenant. As fascinating/hilarious as these expeditions might be, few can ever hope to reach the comedic triumph achieved by Ron Wyatt: the man who found – and then lost - the Ark of the Covenant.

The late Ron Wyatt is probably the Greatest Bad Archaeologist of all time. Seriously, at this moment there are guys digging for Thor's hammer in the backyards of their suburban Chicago homes who can never hope to hold a candle to chock-full-o'-nuttiness achieved by Wyatt who claimed to have discovered the remains of Noah's Ark, the ruins of Sodom and Gomorrah, the exact spot where Jesus was crucified, Stevie Wonder's car keys, and, of course, the Ark of the Covenant. True, Ron’s method for locating the Ark of the Covenant was a little unorthodox. It seems that one day, in 1978, while walking along an ancient stone quarry in Jerusalem, Ron suddenly pointed to a trash dump and said “That’s Jeremiah’s Grotto and the Ark of the Covenant is in there."

It’s odd that the folks at the Wyatt Archaeological Research Web Site failed to mention that tidbit here. Anyway, the story gets even better.

Three and a half years of digging later, Ron struck gold, or to be more precise The Ark of the Covenant...

"On the back of the Ark is a small open cubicle which still contains the 'Book of the Law'"

- Ron Wyatt

Yes, THE Book of the Law. The one Moses wrote.

But wait, there’s more...

In the same cave along with the Ark of the Covenant, Ron also found the Table of Shewbread, and the Golden Alter of Incense, and the Seven-Branched Candelabra, and a few other assorted ancient side-splitting treasures.

Now, if you're like me - and theses days, who isn't? - I bet you're just itchin' (it's more like a painful rash, really) to have a gander at the wonders Ron unearthed. Well, there's a small problem. You see, after exiting the cave and failing to remove any of the objects as proof (maybe Ron was just too good of an Archaeologist to disturb the scene), Ron was never again to find the cave.

Hey! It's not polite to laugh at smegtards, so cut it out.

By the way, last time I forgot to mention just how impressed I was with the way the folks at answers in genesis claimed that the Biblical account of Noah was, despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary, older than the Epic of Gilgamesh: because, since Noah and his family had been the only survivors of the Great Flood, they obviously wrote their story down and the Pagans later changed it. You can't argue with that kind of logic. Ron Wyatt would be proud.

November 13, 2007

Kitzmiller Party Tonight!

Are regularly scheduled feature on baaaaad Archaeologist Ron Wyatt has been postponed because we're gonna have a Kitzmiller Party tonight

We've got nothing better to do
Than to watch TV and laugh at a bunch of boobs!


November 8, 2007

Because "Ziusudra's Ark" didn't test well with Focus Groups

noahs_ark.jpgTo be honest, it takes a lot to believe in the Big Bang Theory (ironically conceived of by a Priest). You have to be willing to accept that all of the matter in the Universe once occupied a tiny area before suddenly expanding into an explosion of hot gasses which eventually cooled forming the stars in which the atoms that make up you and
I were formed (OK, it helps that we can actually hear the echo of the Big Bang). On the other hand, in order to believe that the story of Noah's Ark actually went down the way in which it is described in the Bible, you have to be willing to swallow that two of every animal (or one pair of every "unclean" animal* and seven pairs of every "clean" animal - the Bible includes two conflicting versions. It's also a little vague on whether or not the flood lasted for 40 or 150 days) managed to make their way across mountains, rivers, deserts, and oceans (Many Biblical Literalists insist that the Earth was "flatter" before the Great Flood, making the migration of animals much easier), were they were crammed aboard a boat (Some Fundamentalists insist that dinosaurs were included in the menagerie. However, since these were teenaged dinosaurs, they didn't take up too much space) thus surviving a global flood.

That said, despite the tremendous leap of faith involved, there are people (adults, mind you) currently engaged in the sad, sad attempt to locate Noah's Ark. **

And yet, not a single soul is looking for Utnapishtim's Ark, or Ziusudra's Ark, or even Atrahasis' Ark. These where the heroes of the Babylonian and Sumerian flood stories that predate the Biblical flood tale by nearly 1,000 years (no matter what these smegtards say)and are practically identical to it (In all of the stories god - or the Gods - sends a flood to wipe out all of mankind with the exception of one man and his family who have been instructed to build a boat and stock it with animals. In each tale, the boat comes to rest atop a mountain and birds are released to check for dry land.

So why is Noah remembered when are forgotten? Well, it might be because, as Eric Cline theorizes in From Eden to Exile (from which most of this post - as well the next few posts - is stolen) the story of Noah differs from its predecessors primarily in that it contains a moral: God drowns almost the whole of humanity because they were wicked, whereas, in the earlier versions, the Gods because they were too noisy and kept the Gods awake at night(although the Epic of Gilgamesh gets bonus points for including a wild man who is civilized by having sex with a prostitute)

* This begs the question "Why didn't God just drown all of those unclean animals along with all of those wicked babies and evil pregnant women?"

** "The BASE Institute does not make the claim that we have found Noah's Ark. We'll let you draw your own conclusions." Um... OK, I conclude that the entire BASE Institute is so full of shit that they squeak going into a curve.

More Ark-related comedy courtesy of the World Newt Daily

Too busy to read your e-mail? Why not let AT&T do it for you?

November 6, 2007

Land of a Thousand Dunces


"Think occasionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight."
- Albert Schweitzer

Apart from being a hellish soul-crushing gulag, the Junior High (now, apparently, an Elementary School. By the way, the student population was predominantly Black and the school mascot was a panther) I attended was also one of those "glass box" buildings that were popular from the early sixties through the middle of the seventies. While the merits, or lack thereof of this style of architecture have been discussed in Tom Wolfe's From Bauhaus to Our House, one thing was pretty clear to even my pre-adolescent mind: building a glass Junior High School is a pretty fuckin' stupid thing to do for some pretty fuckin' obvious reasons.

This point was driven home each September as we were herded into the auditorium on the first day of school and regaled with horror stories about past students who tripped while running in the halls, crashed through a class panel and spent the rest of the semester in the ICU. At the end of the safety lecture/theatre of the macabre our Principal (who only had one arm - but that's another story) would ask if anyone had any questions. I was always tempted to raise my right hand (something our Principal couldn't do) and ask, "Um...just who the fuck builds a Junior High primarily out of glass?"

Seriously. Hundreds of people must have looked at the architect's sketches (they must've been in the newspaper, for the love of crap!), blueprints, and models and not a single person had the common sense to say, "You do know that this building is a killing machine, right? I mean it did occur to anyone else that at some point some budding bully is going to shove his victim through one of these floor-to-ceiling panes of glass?" I should also point out that the restrooms were designed with plenty of "blind spots" for the benefit of any of the larger kids who might feel compelled to beat and rob some of the smaller kids. Subsequently I didn't take a leak inside that building once in the three years that I was there. The place was pretty much like an episode of OZ, but with slightly fewer incidents of anal rape. Oh, and there was lots of jagged metal jutting from the bleachers in the gym.

The point is that the endless capacity of human beings for stupidity has fascinated me from an early age. And that's what we'll be taking a look at over the few days: in particular, Biblical stupidity and bad, really bad, archeology. Good times.

Meanwhile, the Cato Institute claims that Americans are getting smarter.

November 3, 2007

F'ed in the A by the BAR (November 2007 Edition)

Hey there, kindercomedians: just a brief reminder that you only have until December 10th to submit your entries for this month's Biblical Archaeology Review caption contest. Painfully unfunny past "winners" can be found here.
Speaking of Biblical Archaeology, next week we'll be taking a look at Eric H. Cline's new book From Eden To Exile in a futile attempt to put an end to JudeoChristianIslamic religion before the Holiday Season starts to become annoying.

By the way, the other "craptions" I considered were "I've always loved you" and "This is the worst NAMBLA convention ever!". Oh, and would "dropped a deuce" have been funnier than "took a shit"?

November 1, 2007

Commodify Your Dissent Part 849

spghfp.jpgAt the risk of forever being known as "Ol' Man Anonymous", I'd just like to point out that I was shocked and horrified when I walked into Best Buy today (most of the shocking and horrific events in my life have occurred at Best Buy) and became aware of the existence of the Sex Pistols faceplate for the "Les Paul" model controller used to play Guitar Hero. I mean, it's not like the Pistols were the calculated product of a Capitalist Svengali or anything, but I have to wonder if any of the parents who'll be staying up late on Christmas Eve wrapping up one these faceplates for little Waldo have any idea that Sid Vicious murdered his girlfriend or, for that matter just who Sid Vicious was. Because, if they don't, then someone has managed to do the impossible: make the Sex Pistols "safe".

And that's what's so depressing, you see, no matter how many times Johnny Rotten might appear on the Tonight Show hurling questions at Presidential candidates, they will always have a special place in my heart. Some of youngsters reading this (or, more likely, having an older person read it to you as you smoke LSD while playing Super Mario Brothers and Donkey Pong) might not believe it, but the Pistols were once considered "dangerous", "unruly", and "relevant". What's next? Combichrist brand infant formula? The only way the Pistols can regain their mantle of social undesirability is if some parental organization gets all "who will think of the children? For God's sake, won't someone think of the children" over the Pistols faceplates and organizes a boycott. And even in today's "Is that wanton Jezebel showing her ankle???" climate I'm afraid that's just not going to happen.


Dear CWFA, I thought it was my duty as both a Christian, and the parent of three beautiful children (Ezekiel, age 4; Bathsheba, age 6; and Nimrod, age 2 ½) to inform you that the makers of the popular video game Guitar Hero are marketing "faceplates" to young people which promote the "Punk Rock" band known as the S*x Pistols: The very same band that began one of their "songs" with the words "I am an antichrist!" Needless to say, I hardly consider any group that would invoke the name of the Beast to be "Heroes" (Guitar or otherwise) for our children!

Unfortunately, I do not have the resources to organize either a boycott, a letter-writing campaign, or a 10K "Fun Run" to fight this menace, so I'm pleading with you to bring this matter to the attention of parents everywhere in the United States (I'm afraid it's too late for Europe).

May the loving God of Abraham smite the unworthy down to the fourth generation,

Jerry Fongowski


Speaking of kids today, my friends John and Lance have taken on the Herculean task of collecting all of our childhood fears in one place. Be sure to check it out.

Title of this piece clarified here