Thoughtless for the Day

Anybody who has ever dated a redhead should've seen this coming.

Last night I managed to catch Kathy Griffin on Larry King "Live" (Is it just me, or does King look like he just stepped off the set of Re-Animator?). It should be noted that I wasn't watching LK"L" because Kathy Griffin was corpse-boy's guest. Even though I do find her oddly hot; I was watching because there was absolutely nothing on any of the three hundred or so other channels I get. Under normal circumstances, watching a documentary about the history cardboard is preferable to gazing upon Larry's pallid puss and putrefying pate. The only real entertainment that can be gleaned for King's show is when his medication fails to kick in and the non-sequiturs tumble from his lips likes proverbs from a desert prophet. Vienna and I once saw Larry stare blankly at an owl from the San Diego zoo and then mumble, "Wise ol' owl...Wise Potato Chips..."

But back to the strangely alluring Ms. Griffin:

A night or two before Kathy had won an Emmy for her reality show Rock of Love with Brett Michaels and had given the following acceptance speech:

"A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. Suck it Jesus! This award is my god now!"

The FOX Network, which aired the Emmy Awards, decided to censure the speech. No surprise there. That evening FOX also cut out the word "goddamn" when it was uttered by The Flying Nun (to be fair and balanced, it's possible that FOX was aiming to censure Sister Bertrille's anti-War comment*, and that "Goddamn" was just collateral damage). To CNN's credit they aired both Katy's and the Flying Norma Rae's speeches in their entirety. To CCN's discredit they refused to show the Danish Muhammed cartoon, so I'll post it:

And now here's a picture of Eartha Kitt as Catwoman...Yummmmmmmmmmy...

Anyway, Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League (and a guy who must be really pissed off that his name sounds like that of Commie Pinko cross dresser Phil Donohue) got all "Boo hoo hoo; somebody is poking fun at the Son of Invisible Sky Daddy". Which, again, is no surprise. What was surprising was the full-page ad in USA today taken out by a group of "Christian entertainers"(From, I shit thee not, The Miracle Theater in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee), denouncing Kathy's speech.

Bill Donohue and the Coalition of Christian Mimes, Ventriloquists, and Dog Acts managed to miss the point in two ways at once. First of all, Ms. Griffin wasn't making fun of Jesus: she was mocking celebrities who thank Jesus when they win awards. Secondly, and most important, true Christians should be angrier with the dead-carpenter-thanking celebrities than they should be with Kathy Griffin. Why? Because, if the Christians are right (and we know they aren't, but we're here to have fun, so lets follow this to its logical conclusion), than Kathy Griffin is just one person committing an act of blaspheme - but the "thank you Jesus for this OSCAR for my role in Big Mamma's House III: Big Mamma Laps the Rim" crowd, because they are thousands of people who are taking the Lord's name in vain on a regular basis.

Taking the Lord's name in vain??? Wichita's
Tasty Fruitcakes??? OK, hear me out on this. The Biblical prohibition against "Taking the Lord's Name in vain" did not mean pulling a Sally Field and saying, "Goddamn". It means that you are not to interject God into trivial matters. From a truly Christian perspective, all of those high school football players who ask Jesus for a victory are going to Hell (Of course, they were already going to Hell for handling a pigskin), just as surely as if they'd spent their time in the locker room beneath an alter to Baal.

If Bill Donohue and the Christian Union want to really help their brethren and do some Major League soul savin', they should take out a full-page in USA Today, or - more affectively - on the side of a NASCAR, telling their fellow Christians to stop thanking Jesus...

...and to stop eating shrimp

* which was basically a load of "If women ran the world, there would be no wars" bullshit.