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September 30, 2007

Born Under a Bad Sign

I hate to keep dwelling on the "Atheist thing", but the other day, I had one of those of "Jesus loves you" experiences. You know what I'm talking about: two strangers walk up to you in the parking lot of Borders and hand you a Jack Chick tract (which you take because it's a fuckin' Jack Chick tract - score!), and then they ruin an otherwise pleasant experience by saying "Did you know that Jesus loves you?"

The correct response is, of course:

"Look, I want you to go right back to Jesus and tell Him that it’s over OK? I'm tired of the phone calls and the emails and the notes on my doorstep; and I'm sick-to-fuckin'-death of Him sending His friends around. He needs to move on and find someone else. I don't want to have to get a restraining order, but if He keeps this shit up, that’s just what I’ll do."

The question that we're left with is: After breaking up with Jesus, which deity would one date next? And, more importantly, which deities would allow you to make a smooth transition back into the dating world? In other words, what other Gods share similar characteristics to Jesus?

If you click on the chart below, you'll get a much bigger, more helpful, chart that you can print out and hand to anyone who might currently be seeing Jesus - you know; just in case they break up.


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September 26, 2007

The Horrible Truth About Burma

Hey folks, I've been having minor PC problem, so it might be a day or two between updates. Don't worry; I'm planning on posting something special this weekend - even if I do have to reboot every 10 minuets while I'm working on it.

In the meantime, please enjoy this footage of Mike Gundy. Gundy is a football coach at Oklahoma State.


And don't forget to sign/make a mockery of The Miracle Theater in Pigeon Forge Tennessee's online petition!

September 22, 2007

Aid or Invade XXXI (plus Not-Very-Bright-Bitch Update)

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I'd like to go to Scotland
And show off my two thighs,
I'd like to wear a minikilt
And poke you in the eyes

From "Scotland" by King Missile

Which reminds me: Aid or Invade XXXI has been published/posted. While we're on the subject of the City Paper, check out this post from this week's I Love you / I hate you.

If you remember the name Joan Karkos for yesterday's thoughtless than you'll be sufficiently horrified to learn that actual footage of her exists. Watch and learn! And by "learn" I mean "shake your heads in disgust as JoAn explains that the only way to keep kids safe from predators is with a health dose of SAHME".

September 21, 2007

A Bunch of Not-Very-Bright Bitches

sshepherd.jpgUntil roughly three o'clock on Tuesday afternoon I had lived a blissful existence among the forest folk, but then I heard, for the very first time, the name Sherri Shepherd. Since then I have been a shell of my former self.

Sherri Shepherd is one of the co-hosts on The View and...well, you've probably heard about this already, but in case you haven't, here's the actual footage:

Yeah, you head that correctly. Not only does Sherri Shepherd not believe in Evolution (which is bad, but we've all heard other intellectually challenged Fundies make that statement before), but she manages to break knew ground on the landscape of idiocy by following that up with a confession that she doesn't know whether or not the Earth is flat or round, thereby achieving a feat that was previously believed to be impossible: making Whoopi Goldberg, who only a few days earlier had defended man's best friend's worst enemy, Michael Vick, look intelligent by comparison.

Saying that you don't believe in Evolution and then backing up that statement by proclaiming your ignorance of the solar system is tantamount to saying "I don't believe in gravity. Oh, and by the way, I am a total fuckin' smegtard"


Her excuse was that she had been too busy feeding her kids to take time to learn about the shape of the third planet from the sun. Look, if you not sure if the earth is flat or not, then how the fuck can you be sure that those are your kids you're busy feeding?

So, if I became aware of this cornucopia of horror on Tuesday, why am I waiting until now to write about it? Well, it took a few days for the shock and disbelief to wear off. After that I decided that stupidity on such a grand scale should not either be forgotten or go unpunished. Here's a link to the message board on the good Shepherd's web site. Two words: Darryl Worley.

If Sherri Shepherd ever leaves The View, she can easily be replaced by JoAn Karkos.

karkos.jpgWhile not a celebrity in the strictest sense of the word, Ms. Karkos is a superstarin the world of Competitive Stupidity. Karkos, a sixty-four-year-old prune with legs who resides in the unfortunate hamlet of Lewiston, Maine, somehow wandered into a public library (no doubt confusing it for a Kroger) where her wrinkled hands found a copy of It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex & Sexual Health. The book, first published nearly fifteen years ago, is a popular educational guide for young people that deals with human sexuality. It has been translated into twenty-one languages and can be purchased in twenty-five countries were women don't wear burkas. JoAn checked the book out and then checked out another copy from another library. Then Karkos sent letters to both libraries stating that, through her bifocals, she had been "sufficiently horrified of the illustrations and the sexually graphic, amoral abnormal contents" and that she would "not be returning the books."

And it gets better.

Included in each letter was a check $20.95.

Dear Kroger,
I was recently so sufficiently horrified by the three pairs of socks that I shoplifted from your store that I am refusing to return them. Here's a check for $11.63 to cover the cost of the socks.

PS. I am a total fuckin' smegtard

Karkos' goal? "Hopefully, this will harness enough people to be sufficiently horrified and want to speak out, to say it's gone too far,"

And has it worked so far? Has the public been sufficiently horrified? Um...not exactly.

Not only have the libraries planning to replace the books, but one of the libraries has had to order two additional copies to meet demand for the book after a local newspaper published a sufficiently horrifying letter-to-the-editor from Karkos bitching about the book.

What a total fuckin' smegtard

September 19, 2007

Suck it, Jesus

Anybody who has ever dated a redhead should've seen this coming.

Last night I managed to catch Kathy Griffin on Larry King "Live" (Is it just me, or does King look like he just stepped off the set of Re-Animator?). It should be noted that I wasn't watching LK"L" because Kathy Griffin was corpse-boy's guest. Even though I do find her oddly hot; I was watching because there was absolutely nothing on any of the three hundred or so other channels I get. Under normal circumstances, watching a documentary about the history cardboard is preferable to gazing upon Larry's pallid puss and putrefying pate. The only real entertainment that can be gleaned for King's show is when his medication fails to kick in and the non-sequiturs tumble from his lips likes proverbs from a desert prophet. Vienna and I once saw Larry stare blankly at an owl from the San Diego zoo and then mumble, "Wise ol' owl...Wise Potato Chips..."

But back to the strangely alluring Ms. Griffin:

A night or two before Kathy had won an Emmy for her reality show Rock of Love with Brett Michaels and had given the following acceptance speech:

"A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. Suck it Jesus! This award is my god now!"

The FOX Network, which aired the Emmy Awards, decided to censure the speech. No surprise there. That evening FOX also cut out the word "goddamn" when it was uttered by The Flying Nun (to be fair and balanced, it's possible that FOX was aiming to censure Sister Bertrille's anti-War comment*, and that "Goddamn" was just collateral damage). To CNN's credit they aired both Katy's and the Flying Norma Rae's speeches in their entirety. To CCN's discredit they refused to show the Danish Muhammed cartoon, so I'll post it:

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And now here's a picture of Eartha Kitt as Catwoman...Yummmmmmmmmmy...

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Anyway, Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League (and a guy who must be really pissed off that his name sounds like that of Commie Pinko cross dresser Phil Donohue) got all "Boo hoo hoo; somebody is poking fun at the Son of Invisible Sky Daddy". Which, again, is no surprise. What was surprising was the full-page ad in USA today taken out by a group of "Christian entertainers"(From, I shit thee not, The Miracle Theater in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee), denouncing Kathy's speech.

Bill Donohue and the Coalition of Christian Mimes, Ventriloquists, and Dog Acts managed to miss the point in two ways at once. First of all, Ms. Griffin wasn't making fun of Jesus: she was mocking celebrities who thank Jesus when they win awards. Secondly, and most important, true Christians should be angrier with the dead-carpenter-thanking celebrities than they should be with Kathy Griffin. Why? Because, if the Christians are right (and we know they aren't, but we're here to have fun, so lets follow this to its logical conclusion), than Kathy Griffin is just one person committing an act of blaspheme - but the "thank you Jesus for this OSCAR for my role in Big Mamma's House III: Big Mamma Laps the Rim" crowd, because they are thousands of people who are taking the Lord's name in vain on a regular basis.

Taking the Lord's name in vain??? Wichita's
Tasty Fruitcakes??? OK, hear me out on this. The Biblical prohibition against "Taking the Lord's Name in vain" did not mean pulling a Sally Field and saying, "Goddamn". It means that you are not to interject God into trivial matters. From a truly Christian perspective, all of those high school football players who ask Jesus for a victory are going to Hell (Of course, they were already going to Hell for handling a pigskin), just as surely as if they'd spent their time in the locker room beneath an alter to Baal.

If Bill Donohue and the Christian Union want to really help their brethren and do some Major League soul savin', they should take out a full-page in USA Today, or - more affectively - on the side of a NASCAR, telling their fellow Christians to stop thanking Jesus...

...and to stop eating shrimp

* which was basically a load of "If women ran the world, there would be no wars" bullshit.

September 17, 2007

Tiny Plastic Roman Army (Surge Progress Report)

[Click on the pictures below to get much bigger pictures and a feeling of superiority over the rest of mankind]

OK, here's the deal: painting the Tiny Plastic Roman Army has taken me a little bit longer than I had originally anticipated. Let's start off by taking a look at what I've managed to accomplish after only a mere eighteen months of effort.

My Praetorian Cavalry and my Legionaries are complete...

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... as are my musicians and signifiers,

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And my centurion, aquilifer, and Legionary optio are ready.

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Sadly, that's about it. I've gotten started on my "scorpion" crews, but I need to make about four more of them (12 pieces)

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But what has really slowed me down have been my Syrian archers. Each of their tunics must have individual colors and patterns (OK, they don't have to, but somewhere down the line I made that decision and I'm stickin' to it). I have a few dozen of these gentlemen left to paint.

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Then I need to get started on my auxiliary troops (45 figures) and cavalry (24 figures counting horses) as well as my extra heavy Legionaries (48 figures). I'll wrap the whole project up when I finish my petlists (aka "Cannon Fodder")

At my current rate, I should have my entire army ready by New Year's Day…of 2014.

Here's some Canadian guy named Craig Stewart's much better collection of soldiers. Before you fill the comments section with pithy observations about how Mr. "Oooh, look at my tiny army; I'm so cool" Stewart's work looks better than mine, let me remind you that A) I'm far from finished. B) I was drunk when I painted most of my soldiers. And C) I'm not Canadian. It's a lot easier to complete an entire tiny army when you're snowed in nine months of the year.

September 16, 2007

The Unquiet Dead

Hey folks. Just wanted to say that there'll be some "more lengthy" pieces are on the way. In the meantime, please have a gander at these pictures of Laurel Hill Cemetery that I took last night when Vienna and I attended "A Twilight Performance of 'Spoon River Anthology'". The City Paper has yet to post my review on their website, but let me just say that the whole thing was amazing.

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September 9, 2007

Aid or Invade Plus

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Both Aid or Invade XIX (Mali) and XXX (Argentina) have been published! Also I've been busy reviewing Fringe Fest shows for the City Paper. I've lucked out and seen three great ones: Hop-Frog, Junior High School Assemble, and The Jersey Devil.

And coming this week…the Return of Blair!!! Be afraid, be very afraid.