What Would Jesus Do? He Would Kick Some Ass!
by Chuck Noirass
You know, it's enough to make a fellow puke his Hungry Man dinner up all over his Hager slacks. What am I talking about? I don't have the slightest clue, but I do know this: Jesus was not a sissy.
Once, while I was on the set of The Student Teachers, some egghead asked me why none of the characters I've portrayed in over twenty-one films (and yes, college boy, I did have to get naked in order to count that high) never adopted a "Christian" attitude and "turned the other cheek" like Jesus would've. Before reaching into the page-turning pansy's mouth, ripping out his tongue, and then savagely and repeatedly violating his lifeless corpse, I took the time to explain that Jesus was not some sort of tree-hugging, cheek-turning "peacenik": the way He's been portrayed by the Liberal Media Elite.
First off, Jesus had some serious Ninja skills and a healthy respect for the weapons of the day. Take swords for example: Jesus loved the long, tapered shape of the sword. Why else would He have said, "He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one" (Luke 22:36)? Is there anything more manly than the thought of getting naked, covering yourself in bronze body make-up, and waving your sword about? Maybe that's why the Son of God also said, "Think not that I am come to send peace: I came not to send peace but a sword" (Matthew 10:34). A long, hard, manly sword! One that could, no doubt, be trust again-and-again into the body of a Sodomite! And Jesus was no slouch when it came to improvised weaponry either. Check out this macho action courtesy of John 2:15:
And when he had made, as it were, a scourge of little cords, he drove them all out of the temple
Got that? Jesus not only made His own whip, but He used it kick some Heeb butt, Indiana Jones style! Whoosh-ack! Duck and cover, you hook-nosed bastards; there's a new sherif in the synagog!
While we're on the subject of whips, Jesus was definitely not opposed to whuppin' up on the hired help!
"And that slave, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes." (Luke 12:47)
Did you hear that Miguel? Good. Now get your Mexican ass back into garden before I do a better of tanning your brown hide than the Arizona sun did. Whoosh-ack! Back to work!
So remember: When Jesus wasn't drowning pigs (Matthew 8:32) or cursing fig trees (Matthew 21:18-19 Mark 11:13-14), He was kickin' ass! Just like your ol' pal, Chuck Noirass.
[In the interest of fairness: From the highly reliable IMBD Chuck Norris bio - Reader's Digest once noted a story of how Norris, true to his characters, prefers to find a non-violent way to solve a situation. Norris was in a bar once when a customer walked in and said to him, "You're in my seat. Move." Norris complied, and as the customer sat down, he recognized Norris. He then said, "Chuck, you could've kicked my butt if you wanted to. Instead of moving, why didn't you just attack me?" Norris' response: "What would that have accomplished?" Norris later said the experience resulted in him getting a new admirer and a new friend." ...and a blow job. Yeah, that story sounded like bullshit to me as well.]