« June 2007 | Main | September 2007 »

July 18, 2007

Oh No. There Goes Tokyo

zilla1.jpg

The other day an earthquake in Japan caused a fire at a nuclear power plant. The unaltered photo is proof of what those of use who spent Saturday afternoon plopped down in front of the Zenith always knew: Earthquake + Radiation x Japan = Godzilla

_._

I can't remember the last time I went to sleep before 12am
I can't remember the last time a news story gave me a visceral thrill
I can't remember the last time I felt this good about our country
I can't remember the last time I've listened to music on a cd
I Can't Remember the Last Time I Was This Sick.
I Can't Remember the Last Time We Kissed
I can't remember the last time I actually spent time reading articles
I can't remember the last time Frisco attempted to have a parade for Veterans or people of faith. It's sad how that city embraces the low life's of America
I Can't Remember The Last Time I Laughed This Hard
I can't remember the last time you had lobster either.
I can't remember the last time I was climbing the walls like this.
I can't remember the last time I was so excited about a new hockey season. I can't remember the last time I saw a dead bee
I can't remember the last time I was here.
I can't remember the last time you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee.
I can't remember the last time I talked to a sock but I think it involved alcohol.
I can't remember the last time I didn't start a post with a picture of a good looking girl.
i can't remember the last time i've seen my own eyes or the colour of my skin do you know what it's like to feel ugly all the time?
I can't remember the last time that I did something that really mattered.
I can't remember the last time I was able to find the time to take a day off to do something fun -- something just for me
I can't remember the last time I posted anything on Mad Libs
I can't remember the last time I saw a sky so blue. I love it
I can't remember the last time I left a game involving Leeds and was bouncing with happiness and got back to the pub and everyone was in a top mood
I can't remember the last time I was so moved by an instrumental track. It's so emotional and dramatic.
I can't remember the last time that I went to Hogsmeade.
I can't remember the last time I saw a firefighter wearing a bullet proof vest?
I can't remember the last time one of my neighbors eviscerated their wife, and I live in the middle of Manhattan.


Google > Advanced Search > Exact Phrase > I can't remember the last time

July 11, 2007

What Would Jesus Do? He Would Kick Some Ass!

noirass1.jpgby Chuck Noirass

You know, it's enough to make a fellow puke his Hungry Man dinner up all over his Hager slacks. What am I talking about? I don't have the slightest clue, but I do know this: Jesus was not a sissy.

Once, while I was on the set of The Student Teachers, some egghead asked me why none of the characters I've portrayed in over twenty-one films (and yes, college boy, I did have to get naked in order to count that high) never adopted a "Christian" attitude and "turned the other cheek" like Jesus would've. Before reaching into the page-turning pansy's mouth, ripping out his tongue, and then savagely and repeatedly violating his lifeless corpse, I took the time to explain that Jesus was not some sort of tree-hugging, cheek-turning "peacenik": the way He's been portrayed by the Liberal Media Elite.

First off, Jesus had some serious Ninja skills and a healthy respect for the weapons of the day. Take swords for example: Jesus loved the long, tapered shape of the sword. Why else would He have said, "He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one" (Luke 22:36)? Is there anything more manly than the thought of getting naked, covering yourself in bronze body make-up, and waving your sword about? Maybe that's why the Son of God also said, "Think not that I am come to send peace: I came not to send peace but a sword" (Matthew 10:34). A long, hard, manly sword! One that could, no doubt, be trust again-and-again into the body of a Sodomite! And Jesus was no slouch when it came to improvised weaponry either. Check out this macho action courtesy of John 2:15:

And when he had made, as it were, a scourge of little cords, he drove them all out of the temple ...

Got that? Jesus not only made His own whip, but He used it kick some Heeb butt, Indiana Jones style! Whoosh-ack! Duck and cover, you hook-nosed bastards; there's a new sherif in the synagog!

While we're on the subject of whips, Jesus was definitely not opposed to whuppin' up on the hired help!

"And that slave, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes." (Luke 12:47)

Did you hear that Miguel? Good. Now get your Mexican ass back into garden before I do a better of tanning your brown hide than the Arizona sun did. Whoosh-ack! Back to work!

So remember: When Jesus wasn't drowning pigs (Matthew 8:32) or cursing fig trees (Matthew 21:18-19 Mark 11:13-14), He was kickin' ass! Just like your ol' pal, Chuck Noirass.

[In the interest of fairness: From the highly reliable IMBD Chuck Norris bio - Reader's Digest once noted a story of how Norris, true to his characters, prefers to find a non-violent way to solve a situation. Norris was in a bar once when a customer walked in and said to him, "You're in my seat. Move." Norris complied, and as the customer sat down, he recognized Norris. He then said, "Chuck, you could've kicked my butt if you wanted to. Instead of moving, why didn't you just attack me?" Norris' response: "What would that have accomplished?" Norris later said the experience resulted in him getting a new admirer and a new friend." ...and a blow job. Yeah, that story sounded like bullshit to me as well.]

July 10, 2007

Aid or Invade XVIII

Ack-Ack positions everyone! * The latest hula-licious edition of Aid or Invade has been posted! Take of my body of work and eat it! By the way, the headline should read "Pimps up. Don Ho's down", but whadda ya' want? It's a free paper.

* Grinderman in-joke

I simply refuse to believe I said or did anything wrong today
I simply refuse to believe the maxim that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts
absolutely, especially in the case of religious organizations.
I simply refuse to believe people are so busy with appointments to truly need one
of these gizmos.
I simply refuse to believe anything you say.
I simply refuse to believe what is indicated by the evidence.
I simply refuse to believe there are no Autistic Inuit anymore than I belive there
were no autists before the time of Kanner,
I simply refuse to believe that this is the only side of the story.
I simply refuse to believe that out of our intrepid 100 trainees we mentioned earlier,
that 90 of them 'don't have what it takes'.
I simply refuse to believe this story.
I simply refuse to believe that my 'Ms Right' isn't out there somewhere
in London for me, so I'm quite prepared to persevere.
I simply refuse to believe the polls.
I simply refuse to believe that a guy who wants to gut medicare AND pull our troops
out of Iraq (yesterday) could possibly win a national election.
I simply refuse to believe that the fishing will never be normal again here.
I simply refuse to believe that people in Pakistan and Somalia would go to their
deaths because the Palestinians don't have a state."
I simply refuse to believe that anyone watching is actually making up their mind
based on a TV commercial.
I simply refuse to believe that the prototypical biotech entrepreneur is a clone
of Samuel Waksal.
I simply refuse to believe these mysterious invitations were for some quickie wedding.
I simply refuse to believe he's not attracted to me.
I simply refuse to believe there is such a thing as a gay person in today's
society
I simply refuse to believe that all of us are driven by greed, egotism, secrecy,
or the wish to control other people's minds.
I simply refuse to believe That whatever created life, Earth, you, and me Doesn't
have plans for souls, as it does for bodies.
i simply refuse to believe that that could fix it
I simply refuse to believe we're from the same gene pool, despite all evidence
to the contrary.
I simply refuse to believe that any woman is so stupid as to go buy a product with
conviction after having watched such humiliating performances.
I simply refuse to believe that this isn't a brilliant piece of parody.
I simply refuse to believe he could be so naive.
I simply refuse to believe they could not create a refillable version.

Google > Advanced Search > Exact Phrase > I simply refuse to believe