Thoughtless for the Day

Hello fellow purveyors of bloggy goodness. It's been a while since we last chatted. So why haven't I posted a damn thing in nearly two months? Well, the two leading rumors are:

1) Having become obsessed with the Philly Rollergirls, I have spent the last sixty days following the Heavy Metal Hookers. Flat-track rollerderby rules!

2) I have become addicted to those America's Next Top Model marathons on MTV. Face it, nobody can get any work done when those things are on. Did you see the episode where that girl who used to work at Walgreens went to Italy and cheated on her shoe-gazer/emo boyfriend? (read that entire piece - trust me; it's worth it). By the way, it's true that Janis Dickinson was the World's First Super Model (as she likes to remind the audience every thirty seconds or so). Depictions of her face, alongside crude renderings of bison, graces several cave walls in Southern France.

Unfortunately, the truth is not so glamorous. In actuality I've been spending the last two months looking for RATYHTL's "Next Top Lisa 'Blair' Whelchel".

Why search the globe for a new Blair when the old Blair is still alive and kicking, and hosting MomTime seminars out of the trunk of an '89 Chevy Impala? Well, it seems that Blair's monthly E-ltter has ceased to be. Also her journal entries have become more and more lucid, which means that it's a pretty good bet she's taking her meds. Add to this the fact that other blogs have begun to take notice of the Blair phenomenon, and you'll begin to see why the magic has slipped out of Blair Bashing.

Now, if you think that replacing a woman whose idea of a "time out" involves dousing Junior's tonsils with Tabasco, you are sorely mistaken. After forty days of scouring the planet, the closet I came to finding RATYHTL's "Next Top Lisa 'Blair' Whelchel" was stumbling across a previously unknown tribe in the Amazon who possessed a recipe for poop-filled brownies (of course they're brown - they're filled with poop!)

And then, just when I'd begun to fear that all hope was lost, I found myself perusing the World Net Daily when I saw this.

For those of you who read the piece and have subsequently spent the last four hour in a corner hugging your knees to your chests and trying to go to your "happy place", yes, that was indeed an article by none other than Chuck "Invasion USA" Norris blaming the recent shootings at Virginia Tech, in part, on the "secular progressive agenda".

Let me just say that again:

…that was indeed an article by none other than Chuck "Invasion USA" Norris blaming the recent shootings at Virginia Tech, in part, on the "secular progressive agenda".

Now let that sink in for a just moment. Uh huh...

We teach our children they are nothing more than glorified apes, yet we don't expect them to act like monkeys. We place our value in things, yet expect our children to value people. We disrespect one another, but expect our children to respect others. We terminate children in the womb, but are surprised when children outside the womb terminate other children. We push God to the side, but expect our children to be godly. We've abandoned moral absolutes, yet expect our children to obey the universal commandment, ''Thou shalt not murder.''

- Chusk "Slaughter in San Francisco" Norris

I'm certain that the shooter, have lived almost his whole life in the state of Virginia had never seen a copy of the Ten Commandments and was driven to his actions by the scholarly works of Charles Darwin and that drive-thru abortion clinic down the street, and was in no way influenced by America's violent gun culture or slowly driven insane by the awesome badness that is Sidekicks.

The question here is not why would Chuck Norris think for one minute that teaching kids that the Earth orbits the sun would somehow lead to a rampage of death, but is, of course, how in the in the sweet, sweet name of gun-toting Jesus did Chuck Norris ever get to write a single a fucking column, let alone a series of them, in the first place? What; was Steven Seagal busy that week? For the love of Darwin, it used to be if a guy was a total dipshit he was hounded from the village. You know your high scholl dropout uncle, the one who after a few Budweisers starts spouting off about who he's deal with "them there Ay-rabs"? Well, there was once a time when the minute he would've opened his mouth, he would've been surrounded by the village elders and pelted with stones.

And the same Blue Plate Shut The Fuck Up Special that should apply to Right Wing "celebrities" like Norris, should also be applicable to any Hollywood Lefty who feels the burning desire to impart to the public "40 ways to make your servants' quarters greener."

But for now, it's Chuck's turn in the "Blair Chair". Staring with Chuck's next column, we'll be taking a hard, unflinching look into the wisdom of Chuck "Blair" Norris.