Mars Needs Mormons
If you could hie* to Kolob In the twinkling of an eye,
And then continue onward With that same speed to fly,
Do you think that you could ever, Through all eternity,
Find out the generation Where Gods began to be?
- from "If You Could Hie to Kolob" by William Wines Phelps
On Sunday I happened to catch a few part of the segment on 60 Minutes where Mike Wallace was interviewing Mitt Romney. I don't know what box of Craker Jacks Wallace got his degree in journalism from, but how could any self-respecting reporter point out that Romney had been a Mormon missionary without asking him about the The Garment
Personally, I'd vote for Mitt Romney just on the off chance that he might use the Office of the President to coerce NASA into launching an unmanned probe to Kolob.
What? You've never heard of Kolob? Well, Mormon theology holds that Kolob is the star (or maybe it's a planet: the Mormon Tabernacle Jury is still out on this one) is "nearest onto the Throne of God." That's right. Apparently God lives in space. This might explain Romney's fondness for Battlefield Earth. By the way, here's a Fun Fact about Kolob: According to the Book of Abraham, one day on Kolob is equal to a thousand years on Earth - so I'm guessing it's somewhere near Idaho.
If you've got some time to kill, why not write a "Dear Mitt, are you going to send a probe to Kolob?" letter and send it to:
Romney for President, Inc.
P.O. Box 55899
Boston, MA 02205-5899
Or call (857) 288-6400 and ask whatever Beantown dipshit answers the phone if Romney plans to land a man on Kolob before the end of this decade.
You know what else might be fun? To see if we can get a "Mission to Kolob" letter in the editorial section of a newspaper. Or to find out if Phil over at Bad Astronomy knows anything about Kolob.
If you could hie to Kolob, what would you do there? Let me know in the comments section.
* Hie: To hasten, hurry, go in haste, haul ass
Comments
if i go to kolob, i want an answer to the question, "why did santa claus give me books when i wanted a voltron?"
Posted by: briannirvana![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rodneyanonymous.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 20, 2007 12:28 PM
god lives in space? I thought he lived in Jersey? I dont know if i would "Hie" to Kolob exactly it would be more of a stroll (I heard it has some pretty rough parts and its not a place to take children). I once heard Kolob is abundant with cats and other house hold pets ,if thats the case i would open up a korean resturaunt on my trip to Kolob.
Posted by: norseman![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rodneyanonymous.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 20, 2007 07:12 PM
I couldn't get past the "garment". I dated a Mormon for like two years, and was completely ignorant of such things. He's ok with having sex in his parents' house, but not with showing me his special Mormon undies? WTF?
Posted by: Firefly![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rodneyanonymous.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 21, 2007 10:24 AM
If I could hie to Kolob, I would probably not go to Kolob. There must be cooler places to explore with said ability to hie.
Posted by: Circu$Banjoz![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rodneyanonymous.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 21, 2007 02:02 PM
More Kolob phun phacts:
Some of the elements of the two Battlestar Galactica science-fiction television shows seem to be derived from the Mormon beliefs of its creator, Glen A. Larson. In both the original series from 1978, and the 2003 new series, the planet Kobol is the ancient and distant homeworld of the human race, and the "Lords of Kobol" are sacred figures to the human race (treated as elders or patriarchs in the old series, and versions of the Twelve Olympians in the new series). According to Jana Reiss, author of What Would Buffy Do? [4] Kobol as an anagram of Kolob is only one of many plot points borrowed from Mormonism by Larson.
Kolob was the name of a short-lived record label founded by the Osmond Brothers in the 1970s. The Osmonds also recorded an album called The Plan which deals with themes in Mormonism related to Kolob.
Zion National Park has a region known as Kolob Canyons.
Daniel Steven Crafts has a movement called The Great Arches of Kolob in his Southwest Sinfonia, originally named after Kolob Canyons in Zion National Park.
Kolob was also the name of the alien probe in children's sci-fi series Children of the Dog Star (1984 - New Zealand)
Posted by: razlerja![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rodneyanonymous.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 21, 2007 03:31 PM
If I could hie to Kolob, I'd finally discover where the tarantulas go.
Posted by: MrStinky![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.rodneyanonymous.com/nav-commenters.gif)
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May 21, 2007 05:40 PM