Thoughtless for the Day

Alrighty...The last time we talked about Chuck Norris (which was also the first time we talked about Chuck Norris - how Zen is that?) I said that I'd start sidekicking Chuck's ass when his next column came out. Well that day has arrived...and went. On May 14th the World Newt Daily posted what I consider to be The greatest Chuck "Blair" Norris column of all time: How to outlaw Christianity (Step 1). [I'm just getting to it now because, unfortunately, I have to work for a living] This is such a Cornucopia of Cockmonkey Crazy that I'm not even sure where to begin. And apparently neither does Chuck.

The piece starts out promisingly enough (for us snickering swine, not for Chuck. I mean the piece is called "How to outlaw Christianity", so I was hoping to pick up a few pointers) with a teaser about Kirk Cameron's unintentionally hilarious attempt "scientifically" prove the existence of God on Nightline. Then Chuck pretty much admits to wetting his pants when he learns that there are 30 million Atheists roaming freely about America without so much as a yellow star to identify them. And who can blame Chuck? After all, aren't Atheist always, like ya' know, blowing up the Olympics or flying planes into buildings, an' stuff? I hope Chuckster never learns how many Gay people are out there.

This is followed by a sort of "Who's Who of People and Organizations that Piss Chuck Off'. And a pretty awesome Rogue's Gallery of Freethinkers, Humanists, and Intellectuals it is. If educated people who don't handle snakes and refuse to believe in an Invisible Skydaddy really spray ass-water all over your parade, then this is the list for you. The roll call of the damned kicks off with Madelyn Murray O'Hair and wraps up with every Fundie's favorite boogeymen, Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris. Somehow Chuck left Galileo and "Negro music" off the list. Better luck next time, big fella!

Um...then there's some crazy shit about the Freedom from Religion Foundation (which the article actually links to!) and Representative Pete Stark, the first open non-theist in the Congress, unless, of course, you count most of our Founding Fathers. It has to be said, and right here is as good a place as any to say it, Chuck Norris is clearly talking out of his ass.

Eventually we get to the crux of his awkwardly worded rant: H.R. 1592, "The Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act." Chuck is against it. Now, some of you might think that Chuck opposes this law because he feels that crime prevention is something more efficiently down with his two fists than by any combinations of federal and local law enforcement agencies. Well, OK, none of you really believes that. But the idea of Chuck the Dumbfiuck Norris parachuting in to rescue the next Matthew Shepard is a visual that's too good to pass up.

No, Chucknook of the North is opposed to the Hate Crimes Prevention Act because it prevents Hate Crimes. Or to be more precise, and fair - I guess, Chuck feels that today's Hate Crime law will morph into tomorrow's Orwellian Hate Speech statute. Only Chuck doesn't call it "Hate Speech", to him it's jus that Ol' Time Religion - the kind with stoning, and incest, and genocide and... :

While the bill purports to target crimes of brutality, not speech, it could very easily end up (even inadvertently) restricting First Amendment rights of Christians to speak freely against such anti-biblical practices as homosexuality and transvestitism. As Janet Folger, the author of "Criminalizing Christianity," has pointed out, "H.R. 1592 isn't about hate. It isn't about crime. It's about silencing our speech."

Believe it or not, there's a historical president for this. Remember the "The Local Law Enforcement Dick Crimes Prevention Act." Passed in 1984? How long was it after Congress passed that law before dick jokes became illegal? A week? Ten days, tops?

Finally, "Waiter! Chuck, please" brings it back home with another teaser:
Stay tuned next Monday when I give the second half of this treatise, "How to outlaw Christianity (steps 2 & 3)," in which I will also convey one of the most shocking, despicable atheistic tactics I've ever seen.

The best part is that steps 2 & 3 were posted on May 21st; Birthday of both Dean Clean and myself. It's a masterpiece of poop-throwing, corner howling, park sleeping crazy. I'll deconstruct (anally rape) it ASAP.