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May 28, 2007

RIP CNR

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God is Dead

Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned off the light of the universe. You are now free to move about the cabin raping and pillaging.

May 23, 2007

How to outlaw Stupidity (Step 1)

chuckbutt1.jpgAlrighty...The last time we talked about Chuck Norris (which was also the first time we talked about Chuck Norris - how Zen is that?) I said that I'd start sidekicking Chuck's ass when his next column came out. Well that day has arrived...and went. On May 14th the World Newt Daily posted what I consider to be The greatest Chuck "Blair" Norris column of all time: How to outlaw Christianity (Step 1). [I'm just getting to it now because, unfortunately, I have to work for a living] This is such a Cornucopia of Cockmonkey Crazy that I'm not even sure where to begin. And apparently neither does Chuck.

The piece starts out promisingly enough (for us snickering swine, not for Chuck. I mean the piece is called "How to outlaw Christianity", so I was hoping to pick up a few pointers) with a teaser about Kirk Cameron's unintentionally hilarious attempt "scientifically" prove the existence of God on Nightline. Then Chuck pretty much admits to wetting his pants when he learns that there are 30 million Atheists roaming freely about America without so much as a yellow star to identify them. And who can blame Chuck? After all, aren't Atheist always, like ya' know, blowing up the Olympics or flying planes into buildings, an' stuff? I hope Chuckster never learns how many Gay people are out there.

This is followed by a sort of "Who's Who of People and Organizations that Piss Chuck Off'. And a pretty awesome Rogue's Gallery of Freethinkers, Humanists, and Intellectuals it is. If educated people who don't handle snakes and refuse to believe in an Invisible Skydaddy really spray ass-water all over your parade, then this is the list for you. The roll call of the damned kicks off with Madelyn Murray O'Hair and wraps up with every Fundie's favorite boogeymen, Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris. Somehow Chuck left Galileo and "Negro music" off the list. Better luck next time, big fella!

Um...then there's some crazy shit about the Freedom from Religion Foundation (which the article actually links to!) and Representative Pete Stark, the first open non-theist in the Congress, unless, of course, you count most of our Founding Fathers. It has to be said, and right here is as good a place as any to say it, Chuck Norris is clearly talking out of his ass.

Eventually we get to the crux of his awkwardly worded rant: H.R. 1592, "The Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act." Chuck is against it. Now, some of you might think that Chuck opposes this law because he feels that crime prevention is something more efficiently down with his two fists than by any combinations of federal and local law enforcement agencies. Well, OK, none of you really believes that. But the idea of Chuck the Dumbfiuck Norris parachuting in to rescue the next Matthew Shepard is a visual that's too good to pass up.

No, Chucknook of the North is opposed to the Hate Crimes Prevention Act because it prevents Hate Crimes. Or to be more precise, and fair - I guess, Chuck feels that today's Hate Crime law will morph into tomorrow's Orwellian Hate Speech statute. Only Chuck doesn't call it "Hate Speech", to him it's jus that Ol' Time Religion - the kind with stoning, and incest, and genocide and... :

While the bill purports to target crimes of brutality, not speech, it could very easily end up (even inadvertently) restricting First Amendment rights of Christians to speak freely against such anti-biblical practices as homosexuality and transvestitism. As Janet Folger, the author of "Criminalizing Christianity," has pointed out, "H.R. 1592 isn't about hate. It isn't about crime. It's about silencing our speech."

Believe it or not, there's a historical president for this. Remember the "The Local Law Enforcement Dick Crimes Prevention Act." Passed in 1984? How long was it after Congress passed that law before dick jokes became illegal? A week? Ten days, tops?

Finally, "Waiter! Chuck, please" brings it back home with another teaser:
Stay tuned next Monday when I give the second half of this treatise, "How to outlaw Christianity (steps 2 & 3)," in which I will also convey one of the most shocking, despicable atheistic tactics I've ever seen.

The best part is that steps 2 & 3 were posted on May 21st; Birthday of both Dean Clean and myself. It's a masterpiece of poop-throwing, corner howling, park sleeping crazy. I'll deconstruct (anally rape) it ASAP.

May 19, 2007

Mars Needs Mormons

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If you could hie* to Kolob In the twinkling of an eye,
And then continue onward With that same speed to fly,
Do you think that you could ever, Through all eternity,
Find out the generation Where Gods began to be?

- from "If You Could Hie to Kolob" by William Wines Phelps

On Sunday I happened to catch a few part of the segment on 60 Minutes where Mike Wallace was interviewing Mitt Romney. I don't know what box of Craker Jacks Wallace got his degree in journalism from, but how could any self-respecting reporter point out that Romney had been a Mormon missionary without asking him about the The Garment

Personally, I'd vote for Mitt Romney just on the off chance that he might use the Office of the President to coerce NASA into launching an unmanned probe to Kolob.

What? You've never heard of Kolob? Well, Mormon theology holds that Kolob is the star (or maybe it's a planet: the Mormon Tabernacle Jury is still out on this one) is "nearest onto the Throne of God." That's right. Apparently God lives in space. This might explain Romney's fondness for Battlefield Earth. By the way, here's a Fun Fact about Kolob: According to the Book of Abraham, one day on Kolob is equal to a thousand years on Earth - so I'm guessing it's somewhere near Idaho.

If you've got some time to kill, why not write a "Dear Mitt, are you going to send a probe to Kolob?" letter and send it to:

Romney for President, Inc.
P.O. Box 55899
Boston, MA 02205-5899


Or call (857) 288-6400 and ask whatever Beantown dipshit answers the phone if Romney plans to land a man on Kolob before the end of this decade.

You know what else might be fun? To see if we can get a "Mission to Kolob" letter in the editorial section of a newspaper. Or to find out if Phil over at Bad Astronomy knows anything about Kolob.

If you could hie to Kolob, what would you do there? Let me know in the comments section.

* Hie: To hasten, hurry, go in haste, haul ass

May 15, 2007

Urn, Baby, Urn

urn.jpgOh Happy Day! Jerry Falwell is dead! Tinky Winky, thou art avenged.

Speaking of death...

On Friday, Vienna had to undergo an operation for a mosh pit-related injury that basically involved reattaching the tendons in her pinky. Being the stellar example of a husband that I am, I made sure to have a Get Well present ready for her (Hey, it was the least I could do since I planned on swiping some of her pain medication). A few weeks earlier I'd spotted the perfect gift in the window of a store on South Street. It was a Canopic jar made from pewter and the lid was a representation of the goddess Bastet, whom my wife conveniently happens to worship.

Now, before any of you budding Egyptologists begin to flood the comments section, let's get a few things straight. Yes, I know that Canopic jars were not made of pewter. They were usually wooden or ceramic: the more upscale ones being made of alabaster. And they never featured the head of Bastet. Imsety topped off the jar containing the liver, Hapi got the lungs, the stomach went to Duamutef, and Kebechsenef, patron to all those who draw the shortest straw, scored the intestines.

Of course we don't plan on putting Vienna's viscera in the jar. That's just wrong. No, we plan on one day placing all of Vienna's remains in the jar - in the form of her created ashes. If you find that a little morbid A) you've come to the wrong web site and B) you should know that I'm jealous because Vienna already has her future home purchased. I've been searing everywhere for a miniature Roman sarcophagus for my ashes (if cremation was good enough for Caesar, it's good enough for me) with no luck.

If send your pictures of where your ashes will one day reside to rodney@rodneyanonymous.com, I'll be sure to post 'em. Happy hunting.

May 13, 2007

Walker, Texas Asswipe

jdick.JPGHello fellow purveyors of bloggy goodness. It's been a while since we last chatted. So why haven't I posted a damn thing in nearly two months? Well, the two leading rumors are:

1) Having become obsessed with the Philly Rollergirls, I have spent the last sixty days following the Heavy Metal Hookers. Flat-track rollerderby rules!

2) I have become addicted to those America's Next Top Model marathons on MTV. Face it, nobody can get any work done when those things are on. Did you see the episode where that girl who used to work at Walgreens went to Italy and cheated on her shoe-gazer/emo boyfriend? (read that entire piece - trust me; it's worth it). By the way, it's true that Janis Dickinson was the World's First Super Model (as she likes to remind the audience every thirty seconds or so). Depictions of her face, alongside crude renderings of bison, graces several cave walls in Southern France.

Unfortunately, the truth is not so glamorous. In actuality I've been spending the last two months looking for RATYHTL's "Next Top Lisa 'Blair' Whelchel".

Why search the globe for a new Blair when the old Blair is still alive and kicking, and hosting MomTime seminars out of the trunk of an '89 Chevy Impala? Well, it seems that Blair's monthly E-ltter has ceased to be. Also her journal entries have become more and more lucid, which means that it's a pretty good bet she's taking her meds. Add to this the fact that other blogs have begun to take notice of the Blair phenomenon, and you'll begin to see why the magic has slipped out of Blair Bashing.

Now, if you think that replacing a woman whose idea of a "time out" involves dousing Junior's tonsils with Tabasco, you are sorely mistaken. After forty days of scouring the planet, the closet I came to finding RATYHTL's "Next Top Lisa 'Blair' Whelchel" was stumbling across a previously unknown tribe in the Amazon who possessed a recipe for poop-filled brownies (of course they're brown - they're filled with poop!)

And then, just when I'd begun to fear that all hope was lost, I found myself perusing the World Net Daily when I saw this.

For those of you who read the piece and have subsequently spent the last four hour in a corner hugging your knees to your chests and trying to go to your "happy place", yes, that was indeed an article by none other than Chuck "Invasion USA" Norris blaming the recent shootings at Virginia Tech, in part, on the "secular progressive agenda".

Let me just say that again:

…that was indeed an article by none other than Chuck "Invasion USA" Norris blaming the recent shootings at Virginia Tech, in part, on the "secular progressive agenda".

Now let that sink in for a just moment. Uh huh...

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We teach our children they are nothing more than glorified apes, yet we don't expect them to act like monkeys. We place our value in things, yet expect our children to value people. We disrespect one another, but expect our children to respect others. We terminate children in the womb, but are surprised when children outside the womb terminate other children. We push God to the side, but expect our children to be godly. We've abandoned moral absolutes, yet expect our children to obey the universal commandment, ''Thou shalt not murder.''

- Chusk "Slaughter in San Francisco" Norris

I'm certain that the shooter, have lived almost his whole life in the state of Virginia had never seen a copy of the Ten Commandments and was driven to his actions by the scholarly works of Charles Darwin and that drive-thru abortion clinic down the street, and was in no way influenced by America's violent gun culture or slowly driven insane by the awesome badness that is Sidekicks.

The question here is not why would Chuck Norris think for one minute that teaching kids that the Earth orbits the sun would somehow lead to a rampage of death, but is, of course, how in the in the sweet, sweet name of gun-toting Jesus did Chuck Norris ever get to write a single a fucking column, let alone a series of them, in the first place? What; was Steven Seagal busy that week? For the love of Darwin, it used to be if a guy was a total dipshit he was hounded from the village. You know your high scholl dropout uncle, the one who after a few Budweisers starts spouting off about who he's deal with "them there Ay-rabs"? Well, there was once a time when the minute he would've opened his mouth, he would've been surrounded by the village elders and pelted with stones.

And the same Blue Plate Shut The Fuck Up Special that should apply to Right Wing "celebrities" like Norris, should also be applicable to any Hollywood Lefty who feels the burning desire to impart to the public "40 ways to make your servants' quarters greener."

But for now, it's Chuck's turn in the "Blair Chair". Staring with Chuck's next column, we'll be taking a hard, unflinching look into the wisdom of Chuck "Blair" Norris.

May 10, 2007

Aid or Invade XVI

The latest AoI is now available in paper, digital, and scrimshaw formats. Can you guess which country's music is evaluated this time? Here's a clue: Michael Moore is in trouble for visiting there.

New posts will be going this weekend! Join us as we crown America's Next Top Blair!