Thoughtless for the Day

Last time, I recommended a few new gods for the Neocons to replace that pansy, Jesus Christ, with. What about those "Free Mumia" shouting, Che Guevara T-shirt wearing Trustafarians who haunt our nation's Anarchist bookstores? Who are they to pray to?

To be honest, I had to think long and hard about this one. It's not easy picking deities for the squat-house set. Chiefly because most gods tend to actually do something. Keeping that in mind, here are my best suggestions:

Atum:
According to Egyptian mythology, Atum was the first god and was responsible for the creation of both a god (Shu) and a goddess (Tefnut). OK, I know on the surface that would seem like a pretty ambitious project, unless you stop to consider that Atum created the world by jerkin' his divine gherkin. Just so the comments section doesn't fill up with questions about how Atum could produce offspring by flogging the bishop, I'm going to tell you how the temple walls say he did it, but first I'm going to ask the kids to leave the room. OK, he squirted his "god broth" into his mouth and thereby knocked himself up. People have gotten PhD's for writing about that.

Calliope:
Sing, goddess, the anger of Achilles! But first, would you mind serving that smelly hippie who's reciting that endless, awful poem about how Wal-Mart was behind the 9/11 attacks an Olympian-sized plate of SHUTTHEFUCKUP! Calliope is the muse of poetry. Judging by some of the crap I've heard performed over the last several years, hers cannot be an easy lot. Cheer up, Calliope. As long as there's still Ish Klein, there's still hope.

Fue:
The Samoan god of sweet potatoes. His buddies call him "F-you".

Since the kids are still out of the room...