Thoughtless for the Day

Wow. That was certainly some stomach virus; definitely not the 24 hour variety. People often ask me if, as an Atheist, I've ever prayed when I've gotten seriously ill. Yes, I have. On Thursday I prayed at "the Shrine of the Porcelain Goddess" about a dozen times in the space of four hours. If you need another barometric measure of how sick I was, this morning I drank my first cup of tea since Tuesday.

Being stuck in bed has given me plenty of time (perhaps too much) to contemplate Anne Coulter's accusations of Faggotry-in-the-First-Degree against John Edwards. (I know Faggots. I've worked with Faggots. You, Senator, are no Faggot. And that's not a compliment) No so much the actual insult itself, but the question of why the Neocons*, resolute in their hatred of all things Gay, would worship a screaming bender like Jesus Christ.

Think about it. Is there anybody who embodies the opposite of the Neocon philosophy more that Jesus? Just look at him with his soft, flowing hair, his Pride Day robe, and his Birkenstocks. "Love thy neighbor"? What kind of bullshit is that? What if your neighbor has WMD (but probably doesn't: depending on whether or not you read the intelligence reports all the way through or skimmed over them)? Jesus might as well of said "Love thy neighbor, but fist bend over and grab your ankles." That sort of Gay-ass talk may have gone over big on the shores of the Galilee and the beaches of Fire Island, Mr. H. Christ; but that shit ain't gonna flush in George Bush's America! Sure, Jesus once said that if you didn't have a sword you should sell your clothes to buy one but as any city dweller can tell you, naked guys waving blades are a dime-a-dozen. After awhile they become so commonplace that they could frighten a child let alone hordes of swarthy Islamofascists.

No. It's pretty clear: If the Neocons are going to keep their footing, they need to drop Jesus Christ as quickly as the Democrats dropped their commitment to the poor. But where will they ever find a new deity on which to blame their anti-social behavior? Always the helpful citizen, I'd like to suggest three candidates (one more than we normally get to choose from in most elections, by the way):

Kali:
Kali is sort of the Anne Coulter of deities (unlike Coulter, however, Kali does not have a penis). One of the translations of Kali is "She who devours time" and anyone who has spent even a few minutes with Coulter has probably called her the same thing (Oddly, Kali aslo translates as "She who is black": which gives her kind of a Condi Rice thing, but I digress...) In Hindu mythology, Kali has been depicted as dancing about the battlefield, intoxicated by the blood of the slain like a celestrial Lindasy Engalnd. Unfortunetly, Kali is also revered as a destoryer of ignorance (AKA "book-lernin"); so we might have to pass on her.

Quetzalcoatl:
While I haven't seen Neocon icon (say that three times fast) Mel Gibson's Appocalypto, I have been to EPCOT, where I learned that Quetzalcoatl was the Aztec feathered-serpent god to whom countess humans were sacrificed and that, as a Mexican, Quetzalcoatl is pretty much guarenteed to work for less than any American deity. Like the former Neocon, poster-God, Quetzalcoatl was born of a virgin: the goddess Coatlicue. Also, Quetzelquatol was... wait! "Feathered-serpent"??? Is there any more of a symbol of creeping Homocity than the feathered boa? Looks like Quetzalcoatl may be out of the running as well as the closet. Sorry, sugartits.

Wodan:
You probably know Wodan beter by the name Odin. Since we don't call Wednesday "Ednisday", I stand by my spelling. OK, so Wodan has a day of the week named after him, what else qualifies him for Neocon worship? Well, for one, like Jesus, Woden was crucified and pierced in the side by a speer. But, unlike JC, Woden didn't pussy out and die after three days. Woden hung in (litterally) for nine days! And when he finally climbed down he went forth and kicked some ass. By the way, Wodan doesn't eat food: he get's by on wine alone! Not unlike George Bush during his National Guard days. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we may have a winner!

In Other News:
Someone has "pulled a Buffy" upon the remains of Slobodan Milosevic, Newt Gingrich has admitted that during the period in which he was activily seeking Bill Clinton's impeachment, he was having an extrmarital affair.

*According to Andrew Cockburn during an appearance on Democracy Now George W. Bush had to ask his father what a Neocon was. This conversation took place in2006.