Thoughtless for the Day

"Let's have a war! Give guns to the Queers!"
- Fear

General Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, recently made headlines not by sleeping on a corduroy pillow, but by stating that Gays should not be allowed to serve in the armed forces because, in his opinion, homosexuality is immoral (unintentionally hilarious headline here).

It's hard to know where to start with this one. First, there's the obvious irony of a guy who was a cheerleader for the Iraq War (I hear he still has the outfit) swinging the word "immoral" around like a purse. I don't know about you, but I can't remember ever seeing PFLAG have to call a press conference to explain civilian casualties. Then there's that whole "Isn't the Army kinda Gay to begin with?" thing. After all, guys are showering together and we've all heard stories about that circle of toilets that all face inward (while I was unable to find an actual picture of these porcelain Stonehenges, I did stumble across this nightmare fodder).

The real question here is, of course, the effectiveness of Gays as fighters. Thankfully, RATYHTL is America's leading producer of Historical Perspective. Let's open up a fresh box now:

Alexander the Great (AKA "Alexander the Fabulous) [Gay Rating: FLAMING]:
Alexander is almost universally regarded as History's greatest general. Alexander never lost a single battle. And Alexander was also gayer than Oscar Wilde dancing cheek-to-cheek with Ted Haggard while Liberace plays "The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies" on the skin flute. [Hey, remember that old anti-drug PSA where the dad find's his son's stash and asks him where he learned to do drugs and the kid shouts "I learned it from watching you, OK?" ? Well, Alex's dad, Philip of Macedonia, was killed by his male lover, Pausanias of Orestis. It's an ugly story that involves, I shit thee not, abuse at the hands of mule-drivers.] Normally, I would rest my case with "History's greatest general was Gay", but I really feel the need to hammer the point home, so let's move on.

Julius Caesar [Gay Rating: "Every woman's husband. Every man's wife]
It's not so much that Julius Caesar was bisexual as he was just plain horny. Looking back over some of the passages in Suetonius' The Twelve Caesars", I don't think rocks and most root vegetables were even safe from the relentless onslaught of Julius' gyrating genitals. Anyway, under the military's "Don't ask; don't tell" policy, even Caesar himself would be denied a chance to do what he did best - well, maybe second best - kill people.

So, just as "Peter Pace" would be a great Gay porn star name, butt pirates make excellent generals (I'm pretty sure that Paglia once said that this was because they understood the tactic of enticement over mindless penetration). But what about the common foot soldier? Surely you could never have a successful fighting unit (heh, heh "unit") of homosexuals, could you?

The Sacred Band of Thebes [Gay Rating: "The Boys in the Band" meets Platoon]
The Sacred Band of Thebes consisted of 300 soldiers, or, more precisely, 150 pairs of lovers who served as the elite fighting force (the entry at Wikipedia uses the unfortunate term "crack force") of the Theban army during the fourth century BCE.

The logic behind pairing up Gay soldiers comes straight out of Plato's Symposium:

And if there were only some way of contriving that a state or an army should be made up of lovers and their loves, they would be the very best governors of their own city, abstaining from all dishonor, and emulating one another in honor; and when fighting at each other's side, although a mere handful, they would overcome the world. For what lover would not choose rather to be seen by all mankind than by his beloved, either when abandoning his post or throwing away his arms? He would be ready to die a thousand deaths rather than endure this. Or who would desert his beloved or fail him in the hour of danger?

Did it work? Well, in 375 BCE, the Sacred Band thoroughly kicked the asses of the Spartans. Looks like the movie 300 may've focused on the wrong guys.

Ironically, it was the butt-bangin' Philip of Macedonia who in 338 BCE annihilated the Sacred Band of Thebes on the plain of Chaeronea.

"Perish any man who suspects that these men either did or suffered any thing that was base." - Philip of Macedonia looking upon the dead bodies of the Sacred Band of Thebes.

"Sure," you might say "that may have all been well and good back in ancient times when people were more tolerant and read books and shit, but what about our modern Judeo-Christian battlefields? Wouldn't a Gay run like a frightened little girl when faced with today's technological warfare and ugly uniforms?

Meet Marine Staff Sergeant Eric Fidelis Alva [Gay Rating: Macho, macho man!]:

Three years ago this month, while most young men of Eric's age where standing in line for X-boxes, Sgt. Alva was proudly serving in Iraq. That's where on March 21, Eric, exiting his Humvee, stepped on a landmine and lost his right leg: earning him the unfortunate distinction of being the first American soldier wounded in Iraq and a bedside visit from the President and the first lady.

Eric is also a Gay man who, despite the loss of a leg, could still kick your ass up down a flight of stairs before his first cup of coffee and without breaking a sweat.

"I am an American who fought for his country and for the rights and freedoms of all American citizens, not just some of them, but all of them. When I was injured, everybody didn't stop, the people who knew me -- that I was gay -- to say, 'Well he's gay. Don't help him. Let's not save his life.' They were saving the life of an American." -Eric Alva, Marine.

_._

Epilogue:
$250 million to $1 billion: The amount, estimated by the Government Accountability Office in taxpayer dollars being spent to investigate gays in the military and have them kicked out.