Thoughtless for the Day

As you are by now well aware, this website is only really concerned with four things. The "Four Pillars of a Cultured Mind", as I like to call them: Ancient History, Linguistics (including Literature), Science, and Hockey.

Two weeks ago, Vienna and I were lucky enough to see the Tutankhamun exhibit at the Franklin Institute. It was truly amazing and I really should tell you all about it one day. Right now I have something of a little more crucial nature to address: Rod Hockey.

Yesterday I got the Spring 2007 NHL catalog in the mail. Now, if you'll take out your copy and turn to page 29 you'll notice the new Stiga Table Top Rod Hockey Table (yes, it's redundant). Anyway, I thought it would be a cool toy for my friend Doc and I to play with. Since Stiga sells "Team Packs" I figured we could customize the game with the Phantoms and the Hershey Bears. We could also pour ketchup all over the game in order to simulate blood (Whenever the Phantoms play the Bears, the first several rows of seats are filled with parole officers).

Now, you may find this impossible to believe, but the only Team Packs available consist of Major league teams. Another dream dashed upon the rocky shores of Sportsmemorabiliaopolis.

As if I wasn't pissed off enough already, I took a second look at the advertisement:

...includes the Maple Leafs and Read Wings team packs...

The Leafs and the Wings??? Does it also come with a pair of frilly pink panties, a gentleman caller, and a case of "the vapors'? Look, I don't mean to sound like some homophobic asswipe scumbag, but those teams are Gay. Gay like Truman Capote felching Gore Vidal during a Liza Minnelli concert, Gay. If the good folks at Stiga are going to make a Leafs and Wings game, they might as well go all out and make a Brokebrack Mountain game featuring tiny Jake Gyllenhaal's and the other actor - the one who played the butch. Now that would be Rod Hockey.

Since I'm now forced to build my own Rod Hockey game, I'm gonna put together the battle on the ice that I've always dreamt of: The '73 -'74 Flyers versus the Gods.

That's right; it'll be Dave "The Hammer" Schultz going toe-to-toe with Thor; Bobby Clarke taking L. Ron Hubbard into the boards; and Bernie Parent versus goalie Jesus. Let's see who really saves.