Thoughtless for the Day

It turns out that Rev. Ted Haggard isn't a pew-biter after all. No it seems that he only went butt-spelunking with a male prostitute just to be sure that he won't enjoy the hot, hot homo sex. And the award for "Ballsiest Excuse Ever"goes to... the envelope please... Oh, my god! Ted Haggard for "I was only doing it to make sure I wouldn't like it"!!! The next time you get caught doing some truly stupid shit, I triple-dog dare you to use the Ted Haggard Defense. "Look honey, why can't you understand that I was only banging the babysitter just to make sure that I still love you? And guess what? I do! Isn't that great?" "You see, ossssifffer, I was only drivin' drunk to remind myself of how much I hate the sound of toddlers bouncing off my windshield.'

If you ask me, there's only one proven way to cure "the Gay":

"I think it was one of those things because a guitar at waist level does look like an enormous phallus."
- Gavin Edwards of Rolling Stone

While we're on the subject of sausages, let's talk about Prince and his guitar. For years I've been on a campaign to make things that a extensions of the male member, guitars, shotguns, missiles, Ted Haggard, etc., look as much like the male as possible. It's great to see that Prince has picked up my banner, painted it purple and pranced merrily across the stage with it!

Like those old Chuck Berry lyrics about "a safety belt that wouldn't budge", the sheer genius of Prince's naughty silhouette show was that it flew right over the heads of a certain segment of the population: the very young, the elderly, and anyone who has ever been featured on Engaged and Underage. They just saw a guitar. While the rest of us, those with filthy, filthy minds, were mesmerized by a massive devil schlong.

But if you were looking for insightful commentary on Prince's performance, you needn't have searched any further than the Minnesota Vikings Sports Blog. That's where I found the following pearl of wisdom:

Who picks the half time celeb? Prince sucks! This was one of the worst half time shows I have had to watch! Piss mint blue suit with pants too long even for his high heels. Horrible singing, cant [sic] play an instrument, and whats [sic] with the girly girl bonnet [sic]? Ill bet all the fags in San Francisco were tripping over their toungs [sic] over this stupidity!!!

- M. Ruybal

You tell 'em, M. Ruybal! And don't forget to pick your father up after he finishes blowing Ted Haggard.