Thoughtless for the Day

Welcome back to the second day of our Darwin Day celebration. Today is, of course, the day on which we decide will get to wear the Darwin Day 2007 Asshat. I know many of you have bets riding on this, so let's get right to the nominees:

Contestant No. 1: Arkansas State Rep. Sid Rosenbaum.
A recent attempt by Razorback lawmakers to declare Jan. 29 "Thomas Paine Day" not only failed to pass, but was challenged by Rosenbaum who critized Paine's "The Age of Reason" as being anti-religious. Um, what did you expect, Sid? The book is called "The Age of Reason", not "The Age of Superstition"

Contestant No. 2: Kevin Thompson, pastor of the Bay Area Family Church in San Leandro, California
Last month Thompson copped a guilty plea to getting members of his flock to illegally catch and sell over four hundred leopard sharks. If that's not weird enough, then consider the fact that Pastor Kevin's church is a branch of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon's Unification Church. Apparently Moon founded something called the "Ocean Church" back in the 80's because fishing is "a holy activity that reflects God's will for humans to have dominion over the sea." No word yet as to whether or not rev. moon has declared both Andy and Opie Taylor to be Saints.

Contestant No. 3: Bishop Boniface Adoyo, head of the Kenya's thirty-five evangelical denominations (Note to Kenyans: If you live in a tint country that has at least thirty-five evangelical denominations, take my advice and RUN!)
The Bishop (whose opinion on fishing for leopard sharks is currently unknown) recently stumbled into the spotlight when he called upon members of his church to boycott Kenya's national museum (calling on members of a church to boycott a museum is like calling on wrestling fans to boycott the opera. It's just like shooting leopard sharks in a barrel). The reason? It seems that the museum is planning to display the Turkana Boy which is not the eleven-year-old in Michael Jackson's hot tub, but is, in fact, the most complete skeleton of a prehistoric human yet discovered. Take it away Bishop Brainfart:

"I did not evolve from Turkana Boy or anything like it. These sorts of silly views are killing our faith."

Oddly, most anthropologists tend to agree that the Bishop could not have evolved from the Turkana Boy, as studies of the fosills have show that the child, unlike the Bishop, was incapable of talking out his ass.

Contestants No. 4 & 5: Bryce Pfanenstiel, prudish pedestrian, and Tom Fallon, general manager of the Atlantic Theatre in Atlantic Beach Florida
Ms. Pfanenstiel became offended when, passing by Atlantic Theatre with her niece; the young girl spotted The Vagina Monologues and asked what a vagina is. Instead of using the opportunity to teach the kid the proper name for a body, or to crack the joke "it's usually fifty bucks a peek", Pfanenstein strolled into the theatre and bitched. Enter Tom Fallon who then promptly changed the marquee to read "The Hoohaa Monologues"

There you have 'em. Five contestants, but only one will wear the Darwin Day 2007 Asshat. Let the voting begin!

While your waiting for all the votes to be cast, you can watch this Darwin Day edition of Top Gear: