Thoughtless for the Day

"Me and my dad make models of clipper ships. I like clipper ships because they are fast. Clipper ships sail the ocean. Clipper ships never sail on rivers or lakes. Clipper ships have lots of sails and are made out of wood."

- From Little Man Tate

OK, I know that everybody (Jon Swift, Wired News, Wonkette and CBS) and their pet tree-octopus has taken a shot at Conservapedia over the last couple of days, but when a freak show this amazing pitches its tent in the center of town, a man would be a jackass not to get in line.

In a desperate bid to nourish my inner-lexicographer, I've combed the tubes of the internets for what I believe to be the definitive collection on Conservapedia entries. I'd like to thank Americas Christian Home-schoolers for making the following possible.

1984: 1984 was a book by George Orwell. 1984 describes an alternate history in which Oceania (Australia) is at war with Eurasia. It is a utopian book because it talks about a place where everyone is watched over by Big Brother, who makes sure people are doing what they are supposed to.

The protagonist is Winston Smith. Thre [sic] is something about rats at the end, but it is confusing. The end is probably supposed to be ambiguous[sic].

Anything Goes: "Anything Goes" is the title of a 1934 musical production written by Cole Porter. Popular songs from the musical include "You're the Top," "I Get a Kick Out of You," and "Anything Goes." Because Porter was a homosexual, we can conclude that 'anything goes' was also his philosophy of life. Many atheists have adopted the song as a description of their "moral" code.

Atheism: Atheism is the disbelief in the existence of any supernatural deity. This disbelief can take a number of forms, such as the assertion that deities do not exist, or the absence of any belief in any deity.

Stalin [see below - RA] and Richard Dawkins are prominent atheists. Dawkins wrote a book, called "The God Delusion". Stalin is now dead, having killed millions of people in the name of Marxis-Leninism (which is predicated on atheism).

Atheist morality: Viewed as a simple philosophical framework of "no god exists", atheism can provide no logical basis for any moral standard. Some atheists reject normal social conventions and live their lives according to the rule that "anything goes". Many feel this has led to a large rise in crime[1], drug use, pre-marital sex, teenage pregnancy,[2] pedophilia[3] and bestiality.

Cactus: The secularist view of the Cactaceae is that they are roughly two million years old, and that they have evolved exclusively in the new world. This view fails to explain, however, how it is that the Opuntia genus is native to the island of Opus, near Greece. Cacti are known for their high content of alkaloids, and have often been used in the sacramental rights of the Native Americans. Because of this, the early Catholic missionaries in the west thought the plants to be the work of Satan, and this is perhaps a preferable view to that of materialistic evolution since it is difficult to imagine how something like mescaline could have evolved by natural selection. Besides that, the psychoactive content of many cacti have inspired the writings of such ungodly men as Aldous Huxley and Albert Hoffman

Canada: Canada is the second largest country in the world for it's [sic] considerable amount of land. It was named Canada because when an explorer came to a Canadian Indian village he asked what this place was called, and they told him 'Kanada', which means village in their Indian language. It borders the United States, and most of it's [sic] population is in The more southern provinces of Canada."

Communism: Communism is government in which the state owns everything and the wealth is divided evenly among the citizens. Communists believe that if they share everything, no one will ever have to work. It is an atheist government not believing in God and only in the "state" as the supreme thing on the earth. The most famous communist government was the USSR or the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics was an official government starting in 1922 and ending in 1991.

France: A country in Europe. Thrived during the middle ages [sic]. The capitol is Paris, France, which was founded in the Middle Ages.

Holocaust: The Holocaust was the massacring of the Jewish race during World War II. The Germans are not to blame for this but the Nazi are. Besides 6 million Jews dying, 3 million Christians were killed also along with many priests and nuns. This is a very touchy subject for the Jews and is not often discussed amongst them

Kangaroo: Like all modern animals, modern kangaroos originated in the Middle East and are the descendants of the two founding members of the modern kangaroo baramin that were taken aboard Noah's Ark prior to the Great Flood

Liberal: A liberal in the early 1800s in Europe was one who favored more powerful elected assemblies. The term was common in France shortly after the French Revolution. Modern liberals are treasonous [1] and generally hate America

Northwest Tree Octopus: Their habitat lies on the eastern side of the Olympic mountain range, adjacent to Hood Canal. These solitary cephalopods reach an average size (measured from arm-tip to mantle-tip,) of 30-33 cm. Unlike most other cephalopods, tree octopuses are Amphibian, spending only their earliest life stages and mating seasons in their aquatic environment. Because of the moistness of the rainforests and their well designed skin adaptations, they are able to keep from becoming dried out for prolonged periods of time. (Citation Needed) ["Citation Needed" is a bit of an understaement when someone is claiming that there are octopi in the fucking trees! - RA]

Scopes Trial: Hollywood has little regard for the truth. Its movie version Inherit the Wind changed everyone's name, thereby preventing libel suits, and changed the facts in order to ridicule religious belief. Thanks to Bryan's victory in the Scopes trial, Tennessee voters have been educated without oppressive evolution theory for 75 years. Free from the liberal indoctrination, Tennessee voted against native son Al Gore in the 2000 Presidential election - probably the only time a candidate has lost the Presidency due to losing his home state. If Tennessee had a high level of belief in evolution comparable to that of East Germany, then you can bet Gore would have won his state and the Presidency.

Sex: 1. The process by which offspring are conceived. 2. Another term for gender. [Yes, that's all Conservapedia had to say about sex]

The Spanish American War: The war between America and Spain for control of Cuba, the Phillipines and other Spainish colonies, which America, being a Christian nation, won, while Spain, being a Catholic country, lost.

Joseph Stalin: [The best entry EVAR! - RA] Josef Stalin was an atheist communist Russian dictator during World War II. He was defeated by Adolf Hitler, despite Hitler also being an atheist.

Joseph Stalin was also one of the worst murderers in the history of the world. He starved about 20 million Ukrainians. Many youths were brainwashed in his "youth groups", telling them how great he was and how great communism was. Also, he persecuted all religious groups, destroyed houses of worship, controlled the press, and forced women to work in factories just like men.

Theory of Relativity: Nothing useful has even been built based on the theory of relativity.…'All things are relative' became popular as atheists and others used relativity to attack Christian values. There remains enormous political support for the theory of relativity that has nothing to do with physics, and Congress continues to spend billions of dollars unsuccessfully searching for particles predicted by the theory of relativity.

Unicorn: The existence of unicorns is controversial. Secular opinion is that they are mythical. However, they are referred to in the Bible nine times,[1] which provides an unimpeachable de facto argument for their once having been in existence.

In the original texts, unicorns go by the Hebrew name Re-em whereas the Greek Septuagint used the name Monokeros.[2] Unicorn itself is Latin. All three names mean "one horn".

United Kingdom: The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland is a nation formed by the conquest of inferior races by the English, although its first King was the Scottish confirmed bachelor King James. As a constitutional monarchy, it enjoys the benefit of the most perfect system of government known to man.

Sadly, there were some people out there who couldn't just enjoy Conservapedia for what it was. The other day, some sneaky tree-octopus fucking liberal managed to sneak in the following entry for Bill Clinton:

Bill Clinton managed to serve two terms without botching the prosecution of two wars, manipulating intelligence, engaging in a systematic program of torture, or mishandling the federal response to flooding of a major American city. Obviously, he is the devil incarnate.

And some smartass appended this to the Cactus entry:

Several species of cactus are now endangered in the west due to "poaching" by collectors and invasive species. But, since Genesis suggests that man has been given dominion over all of the earth, the environmentalist concerns on this note are entirely inappropriate. It may also be that environmentalists, in addition to flauting the Word of God, are merely concerned about the effects that declining cactus populations will have on their supply of mescaline.

Having trouble posting a comment? You can always try leaving one here.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 07:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Despite being an avid reader of the Biblical Archaeology Review (and despite my dogged, if futile, attempts to win the BAR's caption contest), I was as surprised as the next person to learn that James Cameron, the man who gave us the Terminator, has teamed up with the Discovery channel and found the earthly remains of one Mr. Jesus H. Christ.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow when I jump aboard the bandwagon and take a trip to the comedy gold mine that is Conservapedia!

Be on the lookout for Tenessee State Senator Raymond Finney.

Having trouble posting a comment? You can always try leaving one here.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 06:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

The latest issue of Biblical Archaeology Review found its way though the mail slot of my front door this afternoon. It contains a really good article about the historic Homer, but we, of course, are concerned with the BAR Caption Contest. And it's tragic history of unfunny captions.

Here's this month's cartoon complete with "guaranteed-not -to-win" caption.

My other choice was "OK, I'm going to explain this mikvah thing one more time..."

Having trouble posting a comment? You can always try leaving one here.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 07:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Yesterday's piece about Rod Hockey got me thinking about History's great military match-ups Sure, just about everybody says that War is a bad thing, but you'd be hard pressed to find a single individual who doesn't express a keen interest in some conflict, be it the Battle of the Alamo, the Siege of Troy, or the occasional dirt clod fight (Nobody ever picks Vietnam, The Battle of the Little Big Horn, or the Sinking of the Rainbow Warrior)

Lately my mind has been preoccupied with a clash that took place on the island of Anglesey in 60 CE between the Roman Empire and the Druids.

Now, it would be easy to cast this engagement as histories first conflict between a well organized and industrious civilization and a bunch of smelly, tree-hugging hippies, so that's pretty much what I'm gonna do. If you have a problem with that, you can go read a book.

You've probably hear that the Romans were extremely accommodating when it came to the religious beliefs of other cultures (for example, Jews living within the Empire were allowed to pray for the emperor instead of to him). This was ture with two notable exceptions: the Christians (whose history as lion kibble is well known) and the Druids.

The Druids earned this special distinction because they weren't just priests. They also served as advisors to the Celtic kings (who they had the right to speak ahead of in tribal councils), proto-doctors, lawyers, judges, ambassadors, and oral historians. Druids had their own "universities" where they taught, learned, memorized Druidic skills. This knowledge was always passed on by word-of-mouth: never written down: keep that in mind, it'll come up again later on.

Since the Druids were the keystone in Celtic society it didn't take long for the Romans to figure out that if they could break the Druids, they could break the entire Celtic world: If they could just find a reason to eliminate the Druids. Fortunately for the Romans (but not so fortunately for many Celts), the Druids, like the Carthagians practiced human sacrifice (although the Carthagians had the good taste to limit their sacrifices to just children)

In 54 CE, Emperor Claudius outlawed the Druids within the borders of the empire and six years later Gaius Suetonius Paulinus, the Roman Governor of Britain (and the famous fuckup behind Boudicca's uprising) launched an assault on the center of Druidic society, the aforementioned the island of Anglesey

As far as battles go, the whole affair was about as one-side as Kent State. Basically the only resistance that the Roman army had to face was the Druids attempt at psychological warfare. As the historian Tacitus would later put it:

By the shore stood an opposing battle-line, thick with men and weapons, woman running between them, like the Furies in their funereal clothes, their hair flowing, carrying torches; and Druids among them, pouring out frightful curses with their hands raised high to the heavens, our soldiers being so scared by the unfamiliar sight that their limbs were paralyzed, and they stood motionless and exposed to be wounded.

It only took the Roman soldiers a few minutes to regain their wits and courage. Embarrassed by their earlier case of willies, they set about slaughtering the Druids and raising their sacred groves.

Here's a lovely recreation, courtesy of the Tiny Plastic Players:

Now at this point, you're probably asking "So, if the Romans pretty much wiped the Druids off the map, then where did these smelly, sheet-wearing hippies dancing around Stonehenge on the Winter Solstice come from?" Good question. In the eighteenth century there was a revival of Druidism in England (yes, in the middle of the Age of Reason). Since the original Druids never wrote anything down, the ceremonies of the modern Druids basically consist of crazy shit they came up with while stoned.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 07:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

As you are by now well aware, this website is only really concerned with four things. The "Four Pillars of a Cultured Mind", as I like to call them: Ancient History, Linguistics (including Literature), Science, and Hockey.

Two weeks ago, Vienna and I were lucky enough to see the Tutankhamun exhibit at the Franklin Institute. It was truly amazing and I really should tell you all about it one day. Right now I have something of a little more crucial nature to address: Rod Hockey.

Yesterday I got the Spring 2007 NHL catalog in the mail. Now, if you'll take out your copy and turn to page 29 you'll notice the new Stiga Table Top Rod Hockey Table (yes, it's redundant). Anyway, I thought it would be a cool toy for my friend Doc and I to play with. Since Stiga sells "Team Packs" I figured we could customize the game with the Phantoms and the Hershey Bears. We could also pour ketchup all over the game in order to simulate blood (Whenever the Phantoms play the Bears, the first several rows of seats are filled with parole officers).

Now, you may find this impossible to believe, but the only Team Packs available consist of Major league teams. Another dream dashed upon the rocky shores of Sportsmemorabiliaopolis.

As if I wasn't pissed off enough already, I took a second look at the advertisement:

...includes the Maple Leafs and Read Wings team packs...

The Leafs and the Wings??? Does it also come with a pair of frilly pink panties, a gentleman caller, and a case of "the vapors'? Look, I don't mean to sound like some homophobic asswipe scumbag, but those teams are Gay. Gay like Truman Capote felching Gore Vidal during a Liza Minnelli concert, Gay. If the good folks at Stiga are going to make a Leafs and Wings game, they might as well go all out and make a Brokebrack Mountain game featuring tiny Jake Gyllenhaal's and the other actor - the one who played the butch. Now that would be Rod Hockey.

Since I'm now forced to build my own Rod Hockey game, I'm gonna put together the battle on the ice that I've always dreamt of: The '73 -'74 Flyers versus the Gods.

That's right; it'll be Dave "The Hammer" Schultz going toe-to-toe with Thor; Bobby Clarke taking L. Ron Hubbard into the boards; and Bernie Parent versus goalie Jesus. Let's see who really saves.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 07:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

The following exerts are from a recently discovered "jailhouse diary" kept by a Freedom Rider named Judson Fawley. While a valuable source of information on the Civil Rights Era, they also offer a tantalizing insight into the personality of the individual know as Mr. Bojangles who would later be immortalized in song by the Nitty Gritty Dirt band.

May 26th, 1967:

For the fourth day in a row, I, along with all of the other inmates in Wing 3 of the New Orleans County Jail, am awakened by the sounds Mr. Bojangles' arrhythmic dancing and off-key singing. Since I am Bojangels' cellmate, I am unavoidably awoken first. As the other inmates begin to stir the daily torrent of death threats emanate from their cells and fill the corridor.

"Shut that crazy old coon the fuck up," yells Willers from the adjacent cell to the left before volunteering "or I swear to Christ I'll nail his black ass to the prison floor!"

What am I to do? After all, it was I who implored upon Mr. Bojangles to dance in the first place.

Mahoney, in the cell directly across from ours, begins to hurl paper cups full of toilet water through the bars into Bojangeles and my cell where they miss their intended target and splatter harmlessly on the floor. The commotion invariably summons Kapansky, the guard, who each morning points his baton through the bars of our cell and threatens to split Bojangels head in two should he fail to "Cut that shit out, on-the-double".

May 31st, 1967:

Admittedly, when I first asked Mr. Bojangles to perform I expected to be regaled with a litany of traditional Blues songs and Negro spirituals. To my great dismay, the only song in Bojangels' repertoire appears to be "If I Knew You Were Coming, I'd Have Baked a Cake" and the only lyrics he seems remember from the song are "If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake... baked a cake... baked a cake." Unless interrupted by the appearance of Kapansky and his club, Bojangles' rendition of "If I Knew You Were Coming, I'd Have Baked a Cake" can go on for hours.

June 2nd, 1967:

I may have mentioned earlier that after twenty years Bojangles still grieves for his late dog. Hardly a night has passed wherein the old man hasn't launched into a rambling lament about the animal (Curiously, the dog's name never seems to remain the same. Most of the time it's "Rex", occasionally it's "Spot" and at least once it was remembered as "Jefferson Davis", which is a rather strange name for a colored man o bestow upon anything, let alone his canine companion). Last night, during one of these sobbing breakdowns I placed my hand on Mr. Bojangles' shoulder and said "There, there. He was a good dog, wasn't he?"

"Not really, no. He used to shit all o'er t' place. An' his farts - whooeee" Bojangles sputtered forth along with about a pint of saliva.

"But you really seem to miss him..."

"Hell yeah, I does. Of all the critters I ever did fuck, and I fucked a barnyard full, that mutt had the tightest asshole."

June 3rd, 1967,

Today was a day of revelations: The first being that the Mr. Bojangles with whom I share this cell is not, in fact the Mr. Bojangles. That is to say that he is not, as I had been led to believe, Bill "Bojangles" Robinson. Apparently the authentic Bojangles died of heart failure in New York City in 1949. No, as it turns out, the counterfeit Bojangles is in actuality one Thomas M. Stackpole. Even more shocking is the gossip that Mr. Stackpole/Bojangles is not even a Negro. He is, according to the extremely reliable jailhouse grapevine, a dark-skinned Welshman.

Perhaps most disturbing of all was Bojangles' elaboration on the reason for his incarceration which he had earlier given as "Cause I drinks a bit". This afternoon he expanded upon it, in a disquietingly matter-of-fact manner: "Cause I drinks a bit and then I likes to go down by the schoolyard and show li'l Bojangles to t' purdy children" Bojangles stammered, unbuttoning his fly and exposing his shriveled penis.

Addendum:
Two days later Thomas "Bojangles" Stackpole was transferred to the New Orleans Sate Prison where he tried, unsuccessfully, for five years to be raped in the showers. He was released in 1972.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 09:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

While the staff at RATYHTL tabulates the votes from last night's Darwin Day Asshat competition, you can amuse yourself by either reading the latest Aid or Invade, perusing my defense of the KISS Army over at the Rock Town Hall, or by gathering around the wooden plane effigy to celebrate John Frum Day.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 08:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Welcome back to the second day of our Darwin Day celebration. Today is, of course, the day on which we decide will get to wear the Darwin Day 2007 Asshat. I know many of you have bets riding on this, so let's get right to the nominees:

Contestant No. 1: Arkansas State Rep. Sid Rosenbaum.
A recent attempt by Razorback lawmakers to declare Jan. 29 "Thomas Paine Day" not only failed to pass, but was challenged by Rosenbaum who critized Paine's "The Age of Reason" as being anti-religious. Um, what did you expect, Sid? The book is called "The Age of Reason", not "The Age of Superstition"

Contestant No. 2: Kevin Thompson, pastor of the Bay Area Family Church in San Leandro, California
Last month Thompson copped a guilty plea to getting members of his flock to illegally catch and sell over four hundred leopard sharks. If that's not weird enough, then consider the fact that Pastor Kevin's church is a branch of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon's Unification Church. Apparently Moon founded something called the "Ocean Church" back in the 80's because fishing is "a holy activity that reflects God's will for humans to have dominion over the sea." No word yet as to whether or not rev. moon has declared both Andy and Opie Taylor to be Saints.

Contestant No. 3: Bishop Boniface Adoyo, head of the Kenya's thirty-five evangelical denominations (Note to Kenyans: If you live in a tint country that has at least thirty-five evangelical denominations, take my advice and RUN!)
The Bishop (whose opinion on fishing for leopard sharks is currently unknown) recently stumbled into the spotlight when he called upon members of his church to boycott Kenya's national museum (calling on members of a church to boycott a museum is like calling on wrestling fans to boycott the opera. It's just like shooting leopard sharks in a barrel). The reason? It seems that the museum is planning to display the Turkana Boy which is not the eleven-year-old in Michael Jackson's hot tub, but is, in fact, the most complete skeleton of a prehistoric human yet discovered. Take it away Bishop Brainfart:

"I did not evolve from Turkana Boy or anything like it. These sorts of silly views are killing our faith."

Oddly, most anthropologists tend to agree that the Bishop could not have evolved from the Turkana Boy, as studies of the fosills have show that the child, unlike the Bishop, was incapable of talking out his ass.

Contestants No. 4 & 5: Bryce Pfanenstiel, prudish pedestrian, and Tom Fallon, general manager of the Atlantic Theatre in Atlantic Beach Florida
Ms. Pfanenstiel became offended when, passing by Atlantic Theatre with her niece; the young girl spotted The Vagina Monologues and asked what a vagina is. Instead of using the opportunity to teach the kid the proper name for a body, or to crack the joke "it's usually fifty bucks a peek", Pfanenstein strolled into the theatre and bitched. Enter Tom Fallon who then promptly changed the marquee to read "The Hoohaa Monologues"

There you have 'em. Five contestants, but only one will wear the Darwin Day 2007 Asshat. Let the voting begin!

While your waiting for all the votes to be cast, you can watch this Darwin Day edition of Top Gear:

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 05:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey there Punjabis, since I’m hoping to make it out the door in time to see Edward Humes talk about his book Monkey Girl at the UPenn bookstore, we’ll have to postpone the Darwin Day festivities until tomorrow.

In the meantime, please enjoy, courtesy of Pharyngula, this enhanced version of Paula Zahn’s not-so-Great Atheist debate.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 06:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

(Since some of you are not going to believe me when I tell you this, I've posted the video below) CNN's Paula Zahn hosted a panel discussion on the rights of Atheists but somehow forgot to invite any actual Atheists. Watch and weep for the future of journalism:

Where do you start? "I think they need to shut up?" Imagine if the topic had been about the rights of Blacks, or women, or even midgets for that matter? Even the most stone-hearted dipshit wouldn't be dumb enough to go on national TV and say "I think these midgets need to shut their squeaky little voices up." And you damn well know why. The next day there'd be a tiny picket line, no doubt organized by the Lollipop Guild, on the sidewalk outside of CNN. Where are the Atheist protesters? Look, I know that we're seven percent of the population, at best, but you'd think we could at least scrape together an angry mob. Just once in my life I'd like to hurl a brick in the name of godlessness.

About the best we atheist could seem to manage was to bombard Debbie Schlussel (Debbie sure looks a lot different on TV than she does on her web site) with emails. This sudden influx of attention must've somehow damaged the logic centers of Debbie's brain, causing her to write one of the most incoherent pieces I've seen since the last time I read anything by Michelle Malkin. Basically, Ms. Schlussel makes the argument that Atheists are future Muslim extremists because... well, because she must be on the pipe: I can't think of any other reason why someone would say something that asinine. The mighty P.Z. Meyers does an excellent job of dissecting Debbie's "logic" here.

By the way, Karen Hunter, the woman who said that Atheist believe in nothing and should just shut up is a teacher at Hunter College (no, she's not also the college's founder). Why not drop an email to Jennifer J. Raab, President of Hunter College, and let her know how you feel about her college having a bigoted, backwoods dumpsterfucker on their staff. Or, better yet, call her at (212)772-4242. and demand that Ms. Hunter be educated about the contributions that godless Americans have made to this great land of ours.

Getting back to the Christian News Network...

Apparently, CNN must've taken some heat over Paula Zahn's Atheist segment because, instead of re-airing the piece on Thursday night, they announced that they would instead be showing an interview with Richard Dawkins.

And then Anna Nicole Smith died and all other news disappeared. Sure we were all entertained when Zsa Zsa Gabor's faux-Prince husband held a press conference to announce the he was the father of Smith's baby girl (despite having sued the makers of Viagra five years ago, claiming that their product made him impotent), but should this really overshadow the news from the Scooter Libby trial that Dick Cheney and Karl Rove may have instructed Scooter to "get the message out" about Valerie Plame identity as a CIA agent? Why in fuck's name are we getting hourly reports about Smith's autopsy, yet hearing almost nothing about how the Pentagon undercut the intelligence community during the selling of the Iraq War? I duuno, maybe if Doug Feith had bigger tits (or, at least a pair of balls) the media might have given this story some more play.

Tribute to a Thespian

By the way, the Dawkins interview will now air on CNN on Monday February 12th (Darwin Day). Unless, of course, Tawny Kitaen dies.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

It turns out that Rev. Ted Haggard isn't a pew-biter after all. No it seems that he only went butt-spelunking with a male prostitute just to be sure that he won't enjoy the hot, hot homo sex. And the award for "Ballsiest Excuse Ever"goes to... the envelope please... Oh, my god! Ted Haggard for "I was only doing it to make sure I wouldn't like it"!!! The next time you get caught doing some truly stupid shit, I triple-dog dare you to use the Ted Haggard Defense. "Look honey, why can't you understand that I was only banging the babysitter just to make sure that I still love you? And guess what? I do! Isn't that great?" "You see, ossssifffer, I was only drivin' drunk to remind myself of how much I hate the sound of toddlers bouncing off my windshield.'

If you ask me, there's only one proven way to cure "the Gay":

"I think it was one of those things because a guitar at waist level does look like an enormous phallus."
- Gavin Edwards of Rolling Stone

While we're on the subject of sausages, let's talk about Prince and his guitar. For years I've been on a campaign to make things that a extensions of the male member, guitars, shotguns, missiles, Ted Haggard, etc., look as much like the male as possible. It's great to see that Prince has picked up my banner, painted it purple and pranced merrily across the stage with it!

Like those old Chuck Berry lyrics about "a safety belt that wouldn't budge", the sheer genius of Prince's naughty silhouette show was that it flew right over the heads of a certain segment of the population: the very young, the elderly, and anyone who has ever been featured on Engaged and Underage. They just saw a guitar. While the rest of us, those with filthy, filthy minds, were mesmerized by a massive devil schlong.

But if you were looking for insightful commentary on Prince's performance, you needn't have searched any further than the Minnesota Vikings Sports Blog. That's where I found the following pearl of wisdom:

Who picks the half time celeb? Prince sucks! This was one of the worst half time shows I have had to watch! Piss mint blue suit with pants too long even for his high heels. Horrible singing, cant [sic] play an instrument, and whats [sic] with the girly girl bonnet [sic]? Ill bet all the fags in San Francisco were tripping over their toungs [sic] over this stupidity!!!

- M. Ruybal

You tell 'em, M. Ruybal! And don't forget to pick your father up after he finishes blowing Ted Haggard.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 07:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

"Why does RATYHTL look different?" "Why hasn't the site been updated lately?" "Where did all the comments go?" "Won't someone think of the children?"

OK, OK. I'll explain everything, if you'll all just try to remain calm. First; are you sitting down? Good, because I have yet to meet anyone who surfs the web while standing up. Ready? RATYHYL was attacked last week. And, as this is the most widely read site in America, I guess you could say the USA was also attacked (you could say it, it would still be retarded, but you could say it). The culprits? Spammers. Within a few hours the comments sections overflowed with the abundant fruits of a capitalist society: Did you know that Russian teenagers have a pill that will enlarge your penis while filling your back account with Nigerian cash and allowing you the spare to enjoy your free download of Microsoft Vista? Neither did I (although I had often expected as much). About a 100,000 of these little yet incredible offers came flooding in between sunup and sundown on Monday, causing the folks who host RATYHTL to, wisely, put a freeze on the site. Oddly, within hours of the actual attack, the internets were abuzz with conspiracy theories, the most popular being that 4,000 Jewish readers received an email telling them not to log into the site on Monday.

To make matters worse, I was on call all last week, so I didn't have much time to deal with the crisis. The first thing I did was to suspend readers' ability to post comments (as well as Habeas Corpus). Next I was faced with the choice of weeding through the stored comments and deciding which were genuine and which were posted by nineteen-year-old Lolita Pushkin of the St. Petersburg Academy for Nubile Nymphomaniacs, or deleting the whole lot. And thus was lost for the edification of posterity the wit and wisdom of the readership of this blog (such as "U Suck", "Why do u hate America?", "Lern too spell!!!" and the always popular "Fag"). Finally, I had to set up a system of registration similar to that now employed in the forum (It actually works, but you'll have to wait until I "authenticate" your comments before they get posted.)

So why does the site look different? Well, after I made all the changes, I had to "rebuild' all the pages. This caused one of my custom templates to be overwritten and …too dry and technical? OK. How 'bout we take the Fox Noise approach? Some Iranian dudes fucked my shit up while trying to remove "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance. No? Would you prefer the Air America version? It was Dick Cheney and his trusty rifle.

Carnie Jesus Fucking a Chicken for Loose Cigarettes! The one time in my life when I actually had a need for the Department of Homeland Security, and where were they? In Boston, protecting America from flashing images of the Mooninites. What's the matter fellas, 'fraid the message of "shoplift and smoke" might spread like wildfire through the streets of Beantown? The best part of that whole shame-fest was watching the press conference in which the two culprits refused to answer any question that wasn't about hairstyles of the 1970's.

So, won't someone think of the children? The Kearny New Jersey School District is.

On September 11th (a date which seems to do strange things to people with a fundamentalist mindset, as you'll see), young Mattew LeClair went to his eleventh grade History class and was treated to an bizarre rant about dinosaurs being passengers on Noah's Ark. Now this would almost be understandable (although still not acceptable) had the fellow doing the ranting been the failed host of a bass fishing show on the Outdoor Living Network, but the torrent of fundie-babble came from none other than Mr. Dave Paszkiewicz , Matthew LeClair's history teacher. So Matt brought the issue of Mr. Paszkiewicz's stupidity before the principal. Paszkiewicz denied ever making the statements. That's when Matt produce a tape recording of Dave Paszkiewicz imparting scientific knowledge that dinosaurs traveled aboard Noah's ark and that the theories of both evolution and the Big Bang were works of fiction. Nobody like a fibber or an asshole, Dave.

So what measures have the Kearny Board of Education taken to prevent an acts of assholery on the part of its teachers in the future? They've banned tape records from the classroom.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 06:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)