The Best of Conservapedia (How the "Other Half" Thinks)
"Me and my dad make models of clipper ships. I like clipper ships because they are fast. Clipper ships sail the ocean. Clipper ships never sail on rivers or lakes. Clipper ships have lots of sails and are made out of wood."
- From Little Man Tate
OK, I know that everybody (Jon Swift, Wired News, Wonkette and CBS) and their pet tree-octopus has taken a shot at Conservapedia over the last couple of days, but when a freak show this amazing pitches its tent in the center of town, a man would be a jackass not to get in line.
In a desperate bid to nourish my inner-lexicographer, I've combed the tubes of the internets for what I believe to be the definitive collection on Conservapedia entries. I'd like to thank Americas Christian Home-schoolers for making the following possible.
1984: 1984 was a book by George Orwell. 1984 describes an alternate history in which Oceania (Australia) is at war with Eurasia. It is a utopian book because it talks about a place where everyone is watched over by Big Brother, who makes sure people are doing what they are supposed to.
The protagonist is Winston Smith. Thre [sic] is something about rats at the end, but it is confusing. The end is probably supposed to be ambiguous[sic].
Anything Goes: "Anything Goes" is the title of a 1934 musical production written by Cole Porter. Popular songs from the musical include "You're the Top," "I Get a Kick Out of You," and "Anything Goes." Because Porter was a homosexual, we can conclude that 'anything goes' was also his philosophy of life. Many atheists have adopted the song as a description of their "moral" code.
Atheism: Atheism is the disbelief in the existence of any supernatural deity. This disbelief can take a number of forms, such as the assertion that deities do not exist, or the absence of any belief in any deity.
Stalin [see below - RA] and Richard Dawkins are prominent atheists. Dawkins wrote a book, called "The God Delusion". Stalin is now dead, having killed millions of people in the name of Marxis-Leninism (which is predicated on atheism).
Atheist morality: Viewed as a simple philosophical framework of "no god exists", atheism can provide no logical basis for any moral standard. Some atheists reject normal social conventions and live their lives according to the rule that "anything goes". Many feel this has led to a large rise in crime, drug use, pre-marital sex, teenage pregnancy, pedophilia and bestiality.
Cactus: The secularist view of the Cactaceae is that they are roughly two million years old, and that they have evolved exclusively in the new world. This view fails to explain, however, how it is that the Opuntia genus is native to the island of Opus, near Greece. Cacti are known for their high content of alkaloids, and have often been used in the sacramental rights of the Native Americans. Because of this, the early Catholic missionaries in the west thought the plants to be the work of Satan, and this is perhaps a preferable view to that of materialistic evolution since it is difficult to imagine how something like mescaline could have evolved by natural selection. Besides that, the psychoactive content of many cacti have inspired the writings of such ungodly men as Aldous Huxley and Albert Hoffman
Canada: Canada is the second largest country in the world for it's [sic] considerable amount of land. It was named Canada because when an explorer came to a Canadian Indian village he asked what this place was called, and they told him 'Kanada', which means village in their Indian language. It borders the United States, and most of it's [sic] population is in The more southern provinces of Canada."
Communism: Communism is government in which the state owns everything and the wealth is divided evenly among the citizens. Communists believe that if they share everything, no one will ever have to work. It is an atheist government not believing in God and only in the "state" as the supreme thing on the earth. The most famous communist government was the USSR or the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics was an official government starting in 1922 and ending in 1991.
France: A country in Europe. Thrived during the middle ages [sic]. The capitol is Paris, France, which was founded in the Middle Ages.
Holocaust: The Holocaust was the massacring of the Jewish race during World War II. The Germans are not to blame for this but the Nazi are. Besides 6 million Jews dying, 3 million Christians were killed also along with many priests and nuns. This is a very touchy subject for the Jews and is not often discussed amongst them
Kangaroo: Like all modern animals, modern kangaroos originated in the Middle East and are the descendants of the two founding members of the modern kangaroo baramin that were taken aboard Noah's Ark prior to the Great Flood
Liberal: A liberal in the early 1800s in Europe was one who favored more powerful elected assemblies. The term was common in France shortly after the French Revolution. Modern liberals are treasonous  and generally hate America
Northwest Tree Octopus: Their habitat lies on the eastern side of the Olympic mountain range, adjacent to Hood Canal. These solitary cephalopods reach an average size (measured from arm-tip to mantle-tip,) of 30-33 cm. Unlike most other cephalopods, tree octopuses are Amphibian, spending only their earliest life stages and mating seasons in their aquatic environment. Because of the moistness of the rainforests and their well designed skin adaptations, they are able to keep from becoming dried out for prolonged periods of time. (Citation Needed) ["Citation Needed" is a bit of an understaement when someone is claiming that there are octopi in the fucking trees! - RA]
Scopes Trial: Hollywood has little regard for the truth. Its movie version Inherit the Wind changed everyone's name, thereby preventing libel suits, and changed the facts in order to ridicule religious belief. Thanks to Bryan's victory in the Scopes trial, Tennessee voters have been educated without oppressive evolution theory for 75 years. Free from the liberal indoctrination, Tennessee voted against native son Al Gore in the 2000 Presidential election - probably the only time a candidate has lost the Presidency due to losing his home state. If Tennessee had a high level of belief in evolution comparable to that of East Germany, then you can bet Gore would have won his state and the Presidency.
Sex: 1. The process by which offspring are conceived. 2. Another term for gender. [Yes, that's all Conservapedia had to say about sex]
The Spanish American War: The war between America and Spain for control of Cuba, the Phillipines and other Spainish colonies, which America, being a Christian nation, won, while Spain, being a Catholic country, lost.
Joseph Stalin: [The best entry EVAR! - RA] Josef Stalin was an atheist communist Russian dictator during World War II. He was defeated by Adolf Hitler, despite Hitler also being an atheist.
Joseph Stalin was also one of the worst murderers in the history of the world. He starved about 20 million Ukrainians. Many youths were brainwashed in his "youth groups", telling them how great he was and how great communism was. Also, he persecuted all religious groups, destroyed houses of worship, controlled the press, and forced women to work in factories just like men.
Theory of Relativity: Nothing useful has even been built based on the theory of relativity.…'All things are relative' became popular as atheists and others used relativity to attack Christian values. There remains enormous political support for the theory of relativity that has nothing to do with physics, and Congress continues to spend billions of dollars unsuccessfully searching for particles predicted by the theory of relativity.
Unicorn: The existence of unicorns is controversial. Secular opinion is that they are mythical. However, they are referred to in the Bible nine times, which provides an unimpeachable de facto argument for their once having been in existence.
In the original texts, unicorns go by the Hebrew name Re-em whereas the Greek Septuagint used the name Monokeros. Unicorn itself is Latin. All three names mean "one horn".
United Kingdom: The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland is a nation formed by the conquest of inferior races by the English, although its first King was the Scottish confirmed bachelor King James. As a constitutional monarchy, it enjoys the benefit of the most perfect system of government known to man.
Sadly, there were some people out there who couldn't just enjoy Conservapedia for what it was. The other day, some sneaky tree-octopus fucking liberal managed to sneak in the following entry for Bill Clinton:
Bill Clinton managed to serve two terms without botching the prosecution of two wars, manipulating intelligence, engaging in a systematic program of torture, or mishandling the federal response to flooding of a major American city. Obviously, he is the devil incarnate.
And some smartass appended this to the Cactus entry:
Several species of cactus are now endangered in the west due to "poaching" by collectors and invasive species. But, since Genesis suggests that man has been given dominion over all of the earth, the environmentalist concerns on this note are entirely inappropriate. It may also be that environmentalists, in addition to flauting the Word of God, are merely concerned about the effects that declining cactus populations will have on their supply of mescaline.
explicatus -a -um - plain, clea-cut, straightforward
mesoj - middle
dhaba - fair-skinned; "white" person (unflattering usage)
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