Thoughtless for the Day

Pay close attention to this post, kinderpopes because, just a little bit down the page, I'm going to tell you exactly what your mission in life is.

From an evolutionary/biologic perspective I am an undisputed failure. This is because, despite having "mated" at least once that I know of (twice, if you count an uncomfortably close encounter in an elevator with Blixa Bargeld and Jared from those Subway ads), I have yet to produce any progeny: and I don't have any kids, either. This is fine with me as my failure to succeed in this are is nicely balance by the fact that I am an unequivocal success as a human being.

I'm not bragging. I'm just stating a simple fact. Just like the fact that I look good wearing pretty much any hat (my friend Dan "The Serpent" will back me on this). Also, you have to keep in mind that it's really easy to be a successful human being. All you really need to do is make a daily effort to move from superstition towards reason and occasionally try to learn something new and encourage others to do the same. That's it. That's all there is to it. That's your mission in life. So I don't want to see anything in the comments section about how the way to be a successful human being is to respect others, or leave the Earth a better place, or free all of the children trapped in the dungeons of Neverland Ranch. Sure, those are all noble pursuits, but if you just make a daily effort to move from superstition towards reason and occasionally try to learn something new and encourage others to do the same, everything else will eventually fall into place.

One thing I would like to see more of in the comments section is posts like the one made by Suburban Dad on Thursday alerting us all to the fact that Sylvia Browne continues to be a titanic failure as a human being. This time it turns out that Sylvia seems to have missed the mark just a wee bit in the Shawn Hornbeck case. Appearing on the Montel Williams Show (What? You were expecting Meet The Press?), the psychic moose inaccurately informed the audience that Shaw was dead and that his body would be found between two boulders (Dr. Freud to the white, banana-shaped courtesy phone). This would've been bad enough on its own, but when you factor in the fact that Shawn's parents were in the audience, it veers sharply into "indefensible by any stretch of the imagination" territory. Now toss in a catalyst, let's say Sylvia's alleged offer to help Shawn's folks recover his lifeless body for a mere $1,400 per hour, and it would be time to talk about burning Sylvia in effigy if a dummy that large wouldn't greatly contribute to global warming.

Now, you might think that it would be pretty much impossible to top Sylvia Browne's Hornbeck-inspired fuck up, wouldn't you? Enter men's four-time freestyle failure as a human being champion and Colbert punching bag Bill "Dibblenuts" O'Reilly who had this to say about why Shawn hadn't attempted to flee his captor*:

"I think when it all comes down, what's going to happen is, there was an element here that this kid liked about the circumstances … The situation here for this kid looks to me to be a lot more fun than what he had under his old parents."

Yeah, I guess that daily regiment off anal rape was pleasantly offset by quiet moments alone with the X-box. Since we Americans can never seem to get enough irony in our diet, you'll be happy to know that O'Reilly \is scheduled to speak at the center for Missing and Exploited Children later in the month.

*Those of you who caught Colbert's appearance on "The Factor" might remember, at the end of the segment, Colbert saying "And thanks for not bringing up that thing we agreed not to discuss; you know, that kid."

Epilogue:

While searing the tubes of the internets for info about Sylvia Browne-Stain's involvement in the Hornbeck case, I came across these folks, many of whom seem to be under the impression that Sylvia's Psychic Shenanigans are ruining the credibility of all those real clairvoyants out there.

PS. Euripides continues to be The Baddest Girl in the World!