Thoughtless for the Day

Many of you have written me inquiring as to the current whereabouts of the tiny plastic Roman Army. When last we visited with them, Legio XXIII had been sent to Judea to put down of revolt by people who where offended by Aid or Invade XII (this has to be the most self referential post of all-time). Well, it turns out that they did such a good of finally bringing stability to the Middle East that I decided to give them a small vacation. This was easier said than done thanks to the idiosyncrasies of the Roman calendar. Just look at this thing; you'd need to be a fuckin' rocket scientist just to figure out when your next appointment at the methadone clinic is.

Instead of counting forward from, oh let's say from January 1st to January 31st, the Roman calendar counts backwards to the middle of the month (the Ides) and then counts backwards again to the beginning of the next month. So, when I asked Centurion Decius Mallius Umbonius if he and the boys would like the first of January off, he said "What? You mean the fourteenth day before the Ides?" Quid ergo. Eventually, we worked it all out and the fighting (and, occasionally, crucifying) XXIII got to spend a few days in a villa in Tuscany … before they burnt it to the ground in a drunken attempt at a "fish fry".

This brings me to the crux of tonight's post: Persians. You see, I have recently received intelligence, which has been carefully cherry-picked by the staff here at RATYHTL, that the owner of another website has purchased, and is planning to paint tiny plastic Persian soldiers. Fortunately, a few weeks ago I drove over to AAA Hobbies in Cherry Hill (thanks to the person who tipped me off to that store in the comments section), and snatched up some auxiliary infantry, cavalry, archers. Slingers and assorted cannon fodder practically doubling the size of my tiny plastic Roman army to roughly 200 soldiers. The problem is that to adequately defend this website from the threat of foreign invasion, I need to purchase and paint 20,000 by next Thursday night.

Now, a few unpatriotic nay Sayers have claimed that my plan is impractical. They point to the fact that it takes roughly three to fours days to paint each figure and that I've been at this for nearly a year already as proof of the unfeasibility of my proposed troop build up: Whereas I prefer to see it as a challenge. Other points to past "mistakes" made by this website (in particular my assertion that Darryl Worley was developing WMD and that his fans would welcome us onto his message board as liberators) and the fact that I don't really have a clear strategy as to what I'm going to do with the 20,000 tiny plastic Roman soldiers once I've painted them as reasons to deny me the funds I need for this surge. To those who would have me cut and run, I say "Give me the troops and then I will work out some sort of battle plan.

So let's get going, there's no other choice. God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural fluids. God bless you all.