Thoughtless for the Day

If you haven't already, you really should take the kids to see Walt Disney's A History of Violence on Ice. I don't think I ruining the "big surprise" for anyone but the highlight of the show really is when accomplished actor and shockingly good figure skater William Hurt, as model Philadelphian Richie Cusack, does a triple-axle over the body of a fallen goon only to land and burst into the show stopping number How Do You Fuck That Up?

"How do you fuck that up?" is, of course, a question we Philadelphians have been asking for generations. Philly used to not only be the largest city in America, but it was also our nation's capitol. How do you fuck that up? Philadelphia was known as "the Athens of America". How do you fuck that up? Seriously, do you think that any other city in the world, given that sort of head start, could've stumbled off the track and into the bleachers?

This is why on those rare occasions when Philadelphia manages to grab the national spotlight in a positive way, we Philadelphians stop to reflect on the many possible that our city can fuck things up. Usually it's something small like dropping a large chunk of wood upon the heads of visiting dignitaries but occasionally we go beyond the pale and sell off a piece of our heritage.

In a case of art imitating life imitating art, Philadelphia has even managed to fuck up movies about Philadelphia. Philadelphia: Tom Hanks gets AIDS and dies. Witness: Guy gets murdered in the men's room at 30th Street Station. The Sixth Sense: Everybody dies, return as ghosts, get shot and die again.

And then there's the film that has done for Philly what Deliverance has done for the great(ly inbred) state of Georgia: Rocky.

Normally, I, as an old school "Athens of America" Philadelphian, I avoid thinking about the Rocky quadrillogy with the same gusto I invest into avoiding thinking that "This isn't a mystery of life!" scene in Visitor Q but, like a cultural version of the Great Influenza Outbreak of 1918, Rocky is back.

Just the other day, Philly held some sort of "Rocky Appreciation Day" down at the stadium I paid my taxes to build: This action being akin to Poland suddenly announcing an official festival of stepladders and light bulbs. From the love of Ormsby,

Regular RATYHTL readers as well as anyone who didn't feel the pressing need to pack an extra chromosome won't need to ask what my beef is with Rocky. But, on the slim change that some stumbled upon this site while Googling "Rocky Appreciation Day", I'll make this as clear as my admittedly poor writing skills will allow me.

At a time when other cities - in fact, entire states - are making a concerted effort to attract college graduates, Philadelphia has decided, by honoring the Italian Stallion, to hang out a shingle reading "Mouth-breathers wanted. Apply within". If you don't live here then you can only vaguely fathom the horror that is the fatty blobs of tourists who flock to Philly in search of cheese steaks, soft pretzels, a side-order of SHUT THE FUCK UP, and the Rocky statue.

Yes, there's an actual Rocky statue. In Rocky III (I think. I've only seen Rocky. And that was only long enough to be inspired to write "Taking Retards to the Zoo") there is a scene in which the city dedicates a statue to Rocky on the Art Museum steps (which makes no sense whatsoever. Think about it. When rocky jogged up those steps in the first movie it was like five-thirty in the morning. The only people who could've possibly seen him do it were hookers, junkies, muggers, and junky hooking muggers. Did they petition the city for the statue?) Anyway, after Rocky vs. Blacula wrapped up filming, Stallone decided to donate the statue to the city, so it could remain forever on the Art Museum. Apparently, the culturally-challenged offspring of Jackie Stallone considered the statue to be art. Nobody else did, so the statue was moved to South Philly where it holds the distinction of be the only statue in Philadelphia never to be gratified.

They don't call her "Tootie" for nothing.