Thoughtless for the Day

Apologies for not posting the Most Truly Fucked Up Moment in Election '06 last night. After spending all that time in the booth writing in the names of the Green Party candidates, my hands were too cramped to type. OK, you've waited long enough; the winner is...

When Is a Jew Not a Jew?
When She's George Allen's Mother

As if it was caught in some sort of feedback loop, the Virginia senatorial race (which still refuses to die a dignified death) has managed to pile crazy-upon-crazy until it reached what will no doubt, someday, be a legendary level of infamy. Had the men of ancient Athens had even the slightest inkling that their experiment in Democracy would one day culminate in the shit-fight between George Allen and Jim Webb they would've turned their backs to their young male lovers (and not for the first time, if you catch my drift) and flung themselves into the Aegean. And it the whole ugly debacle started with just one word: Macaca. As in "Let's give a welcome to Macaca, here--welcome to America and the real world of Virginia"

But where did the word come from? Well, you saw Allen, on Meet The Press, claim that it was a nonsense word that he just pulled out of his head. After all, there's know way that Allencould've known that macaca was a racial slur used by French colonists in Algeria against North Africans Well, not unless Allen had known someone who had been a French colonist in Algeria. Enter George Allen's mother.

While many people know that Allen's father was a famous football coach, almost no one was aware that George Allen's mother had indeed been a French colonist in Algeria. The obvious reason that Allen never mentioned his mother before the election was that being even remotely French in American politics is the kiss of death. And the reason that Allen didn't volunteer this information after the macaca incident is simply because, seen in this new light, Allen's comment translates roughly to "Let's give a welcome to Sambo, here--welcome to America and the real world of Virginia". And then things got even weirded because, as it turned out, George Allen's mother is Jewish.

That little tidbit came up during a debate when reporter Peggy Fox asked:

"It has been reported that your grandfather Felix, whom you were given your middle name for, was Jewish. Could you please tell us whether your forebears include Jews and, if so, at which point Jewish identity might have ended?"

At this point, Allen did what any closeted Red Sea pedestrian running for senator in the South would do when confronted with the question of their own Jewish heritage: he dodged it, commanding Fox to "ask questions about issues that really matter to people here in Virginia" and ordering her to stop "making aspersions." Translation: "How dare you call me Jewish?" You see, George Felix Allen is just Jewish enough to know that, under rabbinic law, anyone with a Jewish mother is considered *gasp* Jewish.

Faced in incontrovertible evidence of his kosher nature, Allen finally fessed up to having seen more than a few episodes of Sienfeld. This admission last about thirty seconds before Allen was once again waist-deep in the Nile, pointing out that "I still had a ham sandwich for lunch. And my mother made great pork chops."

Oh yeah. It just doesn't get any better than that. Or does it? A few days later Allen was back in full apeshit mode and pointing to a few purple passages that Jim Webb had penned in fictional books about the war with Vietnam. The dust jacket of one of Webb's book, Lost Soldiers by the way, happened to feature the following endorsement:

"It captures well the lingering scars of the war. A novel of revenge and redemption that tells us much about both where Vietnam is headed and where it has been."

What sort of Leftist Pinko Commie America-Hater would have positive things to say about Jim Webb's pornographic musings? Well, that blurb was penned by Senator John McCain (R Not-A-Pussyzona). Smooth goin', Felix. It was about at this point that things started getting out of hand.

Mike Stark just wanted to ask George Allen one simple question. Fortunately for Allen it had nothing to do George's collection of "Kiss me, I'm a self-hating Jew" buttons. Unfortunately for the question had everything to do with whether or not Allen had spit on his first wife and made the mistake of asking it within earshot of Allen's bodyguards.

This is why I hope the Allen/Webb race drags on for as long as possible. I can't wait to see what other surprises the contest could have in store for us before the final curtain falls. Flesh-eating viruses? Zombie hookers? Back yard meth labs manned by Bob Corker's daughters? Only time will tell.