Thoughtless for the Day

As promised (threatened), here's second part of Blair's lengthy October E-Letter. When we last left the rotund former child actress turned evangelical roadside attraction she was about to toss some good at us from the window of her Winnebago.

[And the good news is...]

Jesus is more than enough.

[GODMUTHAFUGGINDAMMIT! That's the good news? When Oprah says she's got good news, every chunky hausfrau in the studio audience gets a car. When Blair says she's got good news, it's like being ten-years-old, waking up on Christmas day, finding a bicycle-shaped present under the tree, ripping off the wrapping paper, and finding a pair of socks. Fuck you in the armpit with a tambourine, Blair]

I can honestly say along with Paul, "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ." [So Paul is in the black while Jeebuz is in the red? And I always thought Jews made excellent accountants] In the end, it is all about Jesus and His sufficiency. [What an egomaniac Jesus turned out to be. stuck up on a cross is more like it] Not only for us as parents, but also if we ever have a prayer at raising obey-God-from-a-heart-of-love children for the Kingdom. [Kingdom? I thought we lived in a Republic; what gives?]

Relationships - I'm a pleaser. [Must...not...go...there. Joke...too...easy...] I've been a pleaser all my life [More like a plesiosaur, if you ask me.]. I work really hard to please everyone. Unfortunately, I don't think God is impressed. [I'll go one step further and suggest that God hates your fuckin' guts] I'm not really pleasing Him with all my pleasing. Hebrews [Oh, that's right; drag the Jews into this] 11:6 says, "And without works it is impossible to please Him, for whoever really wants to get close to God must believe that He is keeping score and rewards those who strive to please Him." Uh...not quite. That's just how I have rewritten that verse in my heart. [The Bible according to Blair. Why doesn't she write that book?]

God actually says, "And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him." [Oh, so I can be a decent human being and God won't reward me just because I don't believe in him? Just who does this "God" fellow think he is?] I will never please God more than when I'm seeking the reward that comes from simply drawing near to Him. My one "work" is to stay connected to Him. His job is to bear fruit through me because, as I've relearned from the umpteenth time this week, on my own I can do nothing of any eternal value. [I hope you understood that crazy shit because this section will be on the final exam]

How does this play into my relationships? Two ways. First, I must remember that my soul will ultimately only ever be completely satisfied in relationship with Jesus [Only the Savior can give Blair the "Big O"]. If I look to others, the sad truth is, I will ultimately suffer rejection. Nobody, not the greatest husband or bestest friend can curb the pangs of soul hunger that is craving Jesus [Kids can't resist the wholesome taste of new batter-fried Jesus].

Secondly, from that point of fullness, I've got to stop trying to earn other people's approval by being good enough. Yes, my publisher may be upset with me if I don't meet these deadlines[Blair's first draft of "How to be a 90's Christian" is a tad overdue]. Unfortunately, some friends won't understand if I don't reply to emails for weeks [Particularly, that Nigerian Minister of Finance and Blair's newest e-friend, pharma_deals_4_U]. Someone at the grocery store may actually see my children fighting [Clean up on aisle 9. Blair's brats are flinging their feces at each other again], me yelling, and buying junk food. I've got to let that go of all that. And, you do, too. [I don't eat junk food. Only people who our delusional enough to believe in God do that]

I hope you haven't read this epic E-letter and surmised that I'm simply an over-analytical, self-absorbed, whinebag who uses her website database to vent on unsuspecting readers. [OK, who told Blair what we've been saying about her? I'm looking in your direction Mr. Tailwind] Wait a minute...I don't care what you think. (Well, actually I do, but I'm trying to learn a lesson here so I don't have to learn it again!) [I can only hope that lesson is "Never mix LSD with an all-day pass to Six Flags over Bedlam"]

If your heart resonates with anything I've written this month [It does! Wait; no, it's just gas], do me a favor. Take the burden of perfection off and lay it at the foot of the cross [Next to God's luggage]. The only good it does for you to carry it around is weigh you down with guilt. And, be still. Stop running in circles. Believe it or not, it is okay to collapse in exhaustion. Standing still is the only way to finish this race [Well, at least in the Special Olympics it is]. If you try to run in your own strength, you will only reach the end of yourself and give up, or become disqualified [or horribly disfigured, or mauled by robotic pumas, or...]. Wait on God[ot].

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

["Faith is the great cop-out, the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate evidence. Faith is belief in spite of, even perhaps because of, the lack of evidence." - Richard Dawkins]

Let's finish this race strong - in weakness. [Weakness is Strength. Freedom is Slavery. Blair is an Actress]

Worship with Natalie Grant & Friends - Unless you have a problem with the words "funky" and "worship" being used in the same sentence [As in "Those worshipers sure smell funky"], you're going to want to click on this link and immediately purchase this CD. It is one of my all-time favorites. Word of warning: you may want to refrain from playing this CD if you have teenage children around. You can't help but dance and I don't care how good your moves are, you will inevitably scar them for life. [It's a little too late to worry about that, Blair.]

VeggieTales Moms - My manager [and fledgling porn director], Ron Smith, has joined forces with two dynamic entrepreneurial moms [and a rabid Dalmatian named Mr. Snarly] to create a wonderful prospect for kids - and their moms. For kids because, well it's VeggieTales, enough said. For moms, this could be the opportunity you've been waiting for, a chance to spread an engaging message of faith to families, while at the same time earning a little extra income from your home [If you ladies are looking to earn a little extra income from your home, you might want to try spreading something other than faith]. If that sounds interesting, check out this charming website.

"Do You Think I'm Beautiful" by Angela Thomas - Let me introduce you to my new favorite author [Blair's old favorite author was Charles Bukowski]. If you really trust me [You'll you're your son to the top of a mountain and sacrifice him], you will not only click on the link to purchase this book but you may as well save yourself shipping charges and order everything she's ever written [Including several notes she passed in her sixth grade Algebra class]. You'll thank me later[Next time you're visiting Sea World, be sure to toss a fish or two into Blair's tank]. I know you're going to love her as much as I do. [Oh, so that's why Angela Thomas filed that restraining order against blair]

Simply Fun - Play for all Ages - A few months ago I was sent a box full of fun by a website friend who is familiar with my addiction to [Little Debbie Snack Foods] games. Let me just tell you that my MomTime Mondays have risen to a whole 'nother level of laughter. If you enjoy games or desire to create fun family memories then you're going to want to visit this website. FYI, some of my favorites are "Linkity," "Take Your Pick," "Eye to Eye," ["Waterboard the Faggot",] and "Liebrary."

"The Bus[h]y Grandma's Guide to [Assisted Suicide] Prayer" was released this month, just in time for Christmas shopping! (Especially since it is this month's E letter Special.) Here's what the back cover has to say.

"As Lisa and her mother, Gentry ["Gentry"??? Well, that explains a lot.], have made so clear in this helpful guide, my prayers for my family will impact them longer than any of us will live. This book is a great tool for guiding prayer for those we love the most, and prayer is the best thing, sometimes the only thing, and definitely the first thing we can do to make a difference in their lives...eternally."
Gloria Gaither - Author; Lyricist [and, judging by her picture, Botox casualty]

Dear Lord, as I pray from 35,000 feet in the air, somewhere between Texas and Kentucky [or, as it's known to the rest of the world, "Bumfuck"], between heaven and earth, between the heat of summer and the relief of fall, between responsibility and radical trust, between "works" and working out my faith, between serving others and accepting myself, between being a good mother and looking to You as the perfect Father. As I live life in the Shadowlands with eternity in my heart[Did Blair lift that line from Born to Run?], I hoist my friends up on my shoulders of prayer. May they be closer to You because I've fallen and landed on my knees [Not unlike Ned Beatty in Deliverece]. In Jesus' [Blair finally nailed that apostrophe] name, Amen.

If you have a friend who would enjoy receiving this E-letter click the follow link and we will forward it to them.

Lisa ["Blair"] Whelchel - E-Letter

© 2006 Lisa Whelchel [Numerous fart jokes by Rodney Anonymous]