Thoughtless for the Day

"I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either." - Bud from Repo Man

It's here. Oh happy day! I guess that now would be a good time to remind all of you that issue number twenty-six of Barracuda magazine, featuring my profile of Lisa "Blair" Whelchel is still available at better news stands and magazine stores. Which reminds me: the editor-in-chief of Barracuda sent me this link the other which might help to explain why I've been getting royalty checks for Holiday in Cambodia. But enough with the small talk...

Ladies and gentlemen! Children of stone ages! It slices! It dices! It crraaaaaawwwwllllssss on its belly like a reptile! Hold it up to the light, move it around just so, squint, and you'll see exactly what little Billy saw when he peeked behind the bushes at the church picnic! My people called it maze, but you honkies call it Blair's September E-Letter

Whew! Summer is over and life is back on a schedule[Hey, I thought only Wiccans gave a shit about seasons. What gives?]. I have created five new Excel spreadsheets/charts in the last month alone [Blair, here's a nifty nested formula that'll make those pesky vlookups work even better: vlookup=B4(I4Q)/RU18(QT:Pi)]. They don't call me "Obsessive Compulsive Miss Order" for nothing! [Blair's first choice of nicknames, "Mr. Big Dick", was already taken] I know, I know, I still deal with control issues [Na na na na na, Blair has issues]. It is ironic to me that two of the biggest struggles in my life are my weight and my desire to control everything in my life [And it's moronic to me that Blair can't figure out that her weight (AKA here transformation from svelte nymphet to act at Sea World) would also come under the heading of "my desire to control everything in my life"]. It seems to me that it should be an easy thing to be able to borrow a little from each challenge to balance them both to acceptable levels. All I need to do is have more self-control with my dieting and exercise and less control in every other area in my life [I honestly have no idea what the fuck Blair is talking about here, so let me just say that I got fat and then I lost the weight and now I look better than, well better than everybody else. It was easy, only took a few months and basically involved just eating fruit for lunch. Plus I did it all without Jesus' help.].

September charts and schedules are similar, and yet mean more to me, than New Year's Resolutions. (It must be the grafted-in Israelite in me celebrating the Jewish New Year.) [Haven't the Jews suffured enough without Blair suddenly getting all kosher? Hey Hebes, don't you miss the good ol' days when Christians thought you offered up babies in a bllod sacrifice to appease Marvin Hamlisch? "Grafted-in Israelite"? Fuck me with a fender.]. Perhaps, it is because I am currently so caught up in the thrill of getting life back in order, but God has really been dealing with me about letting go of the reins [kinky]. a bit, in every area of my life.

I recently put a quote on my computer from Oswald Chambers [Whittaker Chambers' lone cousin who worked in the Texas book depository] that says, "If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the leisureliness which ought to characterize the children of God." [What a co-ink-ee-dink! I just put a quote on my computer from HL Mencken that says...

"As democracy is perfected, the office of President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron"

I need to be reminded of that. I can get so consumed with my agendas, to-do list, dreams, goals, and plans that I forget to rest and enjoy today[Um, maybe your ass wouldn't have its own zip code if you spent a little less time resting and enjoying the drive-thru window at White Castle]. Tomorrow is not up to me! Why do I forget that so easily? [Yeah. I thought elephants never forgot.]

A very funny thing just happened while I was in the middle of writing this E-letter [I was harpooned by Eskimos]. My mother[AKA "Mr. Big Dick"] called and asked if she could take me to Vermont for a two-day, two-night, Bed & Breakfast, fall foliage, 30-mile, bicycling tour - next weekend! [Ah, that reminds me of the time that my mother called and asked if I could loan her some money because my dad's pension fund vanished like a white Co-Ed on vacation in Aruba.]

I looked at my calendar and next weekend is only one-of-two weekends I'm not speaking somewhere between now and Thanksgiving[Diagram that sentence and win a migraine]. We were going to have Haven's birthday on that Saturday but we had to postpone it because some of her best friends couldn't come. So those dates are wide open. Looks like God to me! [Whoa, big fella! If a birthday party getting postponed qualifies as proof of an invisible deity, then my getting laid at the Junior Prom makes me the One true Christ]

When I called to ask Steve if I could go and if I could use some of our free airline miles to make the trip he said, "Yes, of course. I just have one question. When is the last time you rode a bike?" ["Without it collapsing beneath the massive folds of your ample walrus-like flesh"] Oh, don't bother me with trivial details like that. I'm living for today! So what if I don't even own a bike. Who cares if I've only gotten back to exercising again in the last week? Please don't remind me about that impending manuscript deadline. I want to live like a child of God today rather than an adult of God. [You know that scene in Scanners...]

I just had another one of my brilliant ideas [Hurry, before it dies of loneliness]. Do me a favor. Stop for a second, breathe a quick prayer, and ask God to interrupt your plans, agendas, schedules, and to-do lists sometime this month to simply thrill you. As audacious as that sounds, it is not a daring request. You don't really think that if you asked your Father in heaven to throw you a surprise party that He would give you a "White Elephant" exchange instead, do you? Can you dare to believe that God will get an even bigger kick out of delighting you than you will by being the recipient of His lavish love? [You want a prayer, princess? I'll give you a pray: Dear God, what the fuck happened to your followers? They used to be decent human beings like William Penn, Martin Luther King, and Elvis. Now, when I look for True Believers all I see are the Timothy McViegh's Osama bin Laden's, and a couple hundred thousand Jews in tanks. Shit Luther, the "Vicar of Christ" is former member of the Hitler Youth. So, if a man is judged by the company he keeps I'd rather toss my lot in with all of those folks who deny your existence. They seem, on the surface at least, to be a kinder, gentler crowd. Oh, and one more thing: try to keep your hands off our fourteen-year-old virgins, you omnipresent cherry-chaser.]

God is bigger and sweeter and funner and wealthier and huge-r[Wouldn't it be easier to just to say that God is "double-plus good"?] than you could ever imagine[Just ask Ashera - his wife!]. But try anyway. Then ask boldly with expectation of His extravagant grace. I can't wait to hear how He surprises you this month. I can't wait to hear how He surprises you this month, in spite of our best efforts to control the universe, or at least our own little world. [Last month he covered me in boils]

Last year, while attending Life Pacific Bible College in California... [From the Life Pacific Bible College student handbook: ]

Social dancing is not generally permitted on campus. It may not be sponsored or planned as an activity by any official student group on or off campus without special permission from the Dean of Students. A demonstrably wholesome environment and approach will be required for special permission to be granted.

Oh, OK. What about Off-Campus dancing?

Students may not enter secular dance clubs, bars, pubs, nightclubs, or similar places.

...my brother, Justice, began painting to make some extra money for his upcoming marriage. He became so successful that he ultimately had to quit his day job because he was overwhelmed with requests for his artwork. [Note that Blair never tell us exactly what her brother's day job was. I'm sure that had he been a doctor or lawyer she would've mentioned it.]

I believe one of the reasons there is such a demand for Justice's artwork is because his visual messages reflect, and at the same, penetrate the culture. [There will always be a market for pictures of children with huge, sad eyes painted on black velvet] On the surface, the artwork is creative, contemporary, hip and fun enough to hang in the room of any teenager, college dorm, or apartment of a "Generation X,Y, or Z-er!" It is also multi-layered, complex, profound, and courageous enough to voice the questions these same young people are asking.

The Answer permeates every piece of art Justice creates.

[An extensive search of the web failed to turn up any images of Justice's artwork. I did, however, find this gem of a web site. A kindred soul!]

God's World News and World Magazine - When my children were younger, they LOVED reading "God's World News" as part of their schoolwork[Sure beats having to learn all that Shakespeare]. They enjoyed understanding the current events and I appreciated the fact that they were learning about the world around them from a Christian perspective. Recently, our family began subscribing to "World Magazine" which is the same concept, news from a Biblical worldview, for teenagers and adults. Check it out. They are both stimulating for the brain and the spirit. [Tinfoil hat sold separately]

For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn - If you are a woman [or thinking of purchasing one] and haven't read this book then I urge you to click on the link and purchase it immediately. It is the best marriage book I've ever read. It will change your life! I'm actually working through the "For Women Only - The Bible Study" right now and I've fallen in love all over again. (Not only with the book, but also my husband.) I even ordered "For Young Women Only" and both of my daughters learned SO much about young men and the way they think. Trust me on this one, girls.

[Shaunti Feldhahn is also the author of Y2K: The Millennium Bug. Here's the synopsis form the doom-merchants at Armageddon Books: ]

The only immunization is more time, and time is running out. The year 2000 computer bug, affecting our banks, government, phone companies, electric companies, and Social Security system, is dreaded to be one of the largest "bugs" to hit the entire world-all in one day. Shaunti Feldhahn, a former financial analyst at the Federal Reserve, provides the most up-to-date facts on this worldwide threat. Presenting the substantive advice of Christian leaders, she offers three possible scenarios that could result from the Y2K problem

Dear Lord, thank You that You are both, the God of order and surprises [and polka music, tampons, Broadway musicals, and toast]. As we begin this New Year, I pray that You will order our days according to Your perfect will and purposes. At the same time, we give You permission to interrupt any of our plans to remind us who's God and what You are like. Wise and wonderful! Thank You for the beauty of family and art. Please bless the authors, publishers, and producers who provide resources for us to grow[Particularly Larry Flint]. Use the Body of Christ[Eeeeuuuuwwww] to shape us into Your destiny for our lives and character. In Jesus name, Amen.

Lisa Whelchel - E-Letter

© 2006 Lisa Whelchel [Additional text by Rodney Anonymous and Crutchy the Comedy Crutch]