Thoughtless for the Day

In the publishing game, timing is everything. Or is it location? Either way, the City Paper decided to celebrate there twenty-fifth anniversary and publish the latest installment of the Aid or Invade saga on the same day that Cormac McCarthy's new novel hit the book stores. The editors at the CP must've been partying Betty Ford style because, in the midst of all the hula-hoopla the seemed to have allowed me to slip a dirty word into my piece.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 07:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

"I am tired of niggers. I wish they would let me join the Ku Klux Klan. I'd do a drive-by from LA to Brooklyn."

- Chris Rock

Speaking as a left-leaning Liberal, I swear that I would buy a dozen copies of Ann Coulter's next ten books if I thought it would help rid the world of Democrats. On the other side of the fence, I know at least twenty old school Conservatives (believers in small government and "fiscal responsibility") who would listen to Air America five hours a day for the next twenty years if George Bush it would somehow result in George W. Bush packing up his bags and crawling back into whatever dank hole (Ann Coulter?) he emerged from.

Sure, the Democrats and Republicans started out with sound goals and policies. The Republicans sprang to on the scene with the election of Abe Lincoln, establishing themselves as the party of abolition, before transforming into the party of supply-side economics, and finally an umbrella organization for every Bible-thumping shit-bird who has ever donned a tinfoil cowboy hat. The Democrats began their existence with a simple, unspoken, compromise "If you'll accept of Keynesian economic policies, we'll look the other way on all those colorful Jim Crow laws."

However, despite what the Duggar brood might believe [click that link; you'll be glad you did], everything evolves. LBJ signed the Voting Rights Act and instantly created Southern Republicans; Ronald Reagan wed the Republicans to the "Moral Majority", and Bill Clinton copied the Republican economic playbook guaranteeing that, with both parities following a "business-friendly" physical plan, the entire country would be left with only "cultural" issues to squabble over. We've been over all of this a million times before on this site.

So why mention it again? We'll, yesterday the Democrats came to my door.

I was still at work, so Vienna had the unfortunate task of answering the bell and being greeted by one of Kerry's Kids.

Dick-nosed Demodunce: Hello. Are you voting for Rick Santorum or Bob Casey Jr. for senator?

Vienna: Neither.

Dick-nosed Demodunce: Oh, you're not voting at all.

Vienna (speaking slowly, so that she could be perfectly understood): No. I didn't say that. I'm voting for Carl Romanelli: the Green Party candidate.

[If you're looking for an analogy, and who isn't in these troubling times, here's one: Imagine going to and ice cream parlor and being asked if you would like chocolate or chocolate with sprinkles. Now imagine that when you say "Neither, I'd like vanilla-butterscotch swirl" the clerk looks at you like you just asked him to polish your car with a hyperactive reeses monkey. We'll that the look that the guy was giving Vienna. Only the choice between Casey and Santorum is a little more like the choice between chocolate covered in shit and chocolate covered in day-old shit.]

Dick-nosed Demodunce (wetting his pants): Don't you know that he took money from the Republicans?!?!?

Vienna: Yes I am. Are you aware of some of the people who gave Bob Casey money? When Romanelli gets elected, he won't be beholden to any of the Right-wingers who may've contributed to his campaign. Can you say the same thing about Bob Casey?

Dick-nosed Demodunce: Uh... um...errrr...

Vienna: There's only one pro-choice and anti-war candidate running for senator from PA and that's Carl Romanelli. Admit it; the only reason that you're voting for Bob Casey Jr. is because he's not Rick Santorum. Well, one of the reasons why I'm voting for Romanelli is because he's neither Bob Casey Jr. nor Rick Santorum.

Dick-nosed Demodunce: Mommy! Mommy! I need you mommy; help!

_ . _

I had this same problem when Kerry's Kids came a knocking back in '04. That time I kept David Cobb's handouts by the door and freely distributed them to MoveOnOffMyPorch members who darkened my doorstep. Sadly, Carl Romanelli doesn't seem to have any handouts available. Actually, he didn't until now.

Without the expressed consent of the Romanelli campaign (I'm certain that Carl doen't know that I exist, and if he did he'd surely want to distance himself from me as much as possible) I've created this handout that you can download, print, and wave in the faces of Kerry's Kids when they ring your doorbell (and they will be coming). Even if you're planning on voting for Santorum or Casey, it's worth handing the junior Demotards this flyer just to see the look on their dopey faces.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 08:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

"I don't want no commies in my car. No Christians either." - Bud from Repo Man

It's here. Oh happy day! I guess that now would be a good time to remind all of you that issue number twenty-six of Barracuda magazine, featuring my profile of Lisa "Blair" Whelchel is still available at better news stands and magazine stores. Which reminds me: the editor-in-chief of Barracuda sent me this link the other which might help to explain why I've been getting royalty checks for Holiday in Cambodia. But enough with the small talk...

Ladies and gentlemen! Children of stone ages! It slices! It dices! It crraaaaaawwwwllllssss on its belly like a reptile! Hold it up to the light, move it around just so, squint, and you'll see exactly what little Billy saw when he peeked behind the bushes at the church picnic! My people called it maze, but you honkies call it Blair's September E-Letter

Whew! Summer is over and life is back on a schedule[Hey, I thought only Wiccans gave a shit about seasons. What gives?]. I have created five new Excel spreadsheets/charts in the last month alone [Blair, here's a nifty nested formula that'll make those pesky vlookups work even better: vlookup=B4(I4Q)/RU18(QT:Pi)]. They don't call me "Obsessive Compulsive Miss Order" for nothing! [Blair's first choice of nicknames, "Mr. Big Dick", was already taken] I know, I know, I still deal with control issues [Na na na na na, Blair has issues]. It is ironic to me that two of the biggest struggles in my life are my weight and my desire to control everything in my life [And it's moronic to me that Blair can't figure out that her weight (AKA here transformation from svelte nymphet to act at Sea World) would also come under the heading of "my desire to control everything in my life"]. It seems to me that it should be an easy thing to be able to borrow a little from each challenge to balance them both to acceptable levels. All I need to do is have more self-control with my dieting and exercise and less control in every other area in my life [I honestly have no idea what the fuck Blair is talking about here, so let me just say that I got fat and then I lost the weight and now I look better than, well better than everybody else. It was easy, only took a few months and basically involved just eating fruit for lunch. Plus I did it all without Jesus' help.].

September charts and schedules are similar, and yet mean more to me, than New Year's Resolutions. (It must be the grafted-in Israelite in me celebrating the Jewish New Year.) [Haven't the Jews suffured enough without Blair suddenly getting all kosher? Hey Hebes, don't you miss the good ol' days when Christians thought you offered up babies in a bllod sacrifice to appease Marvin Hamlisch? "Grafted-in Israelite"? Fuck me with a fender.]. Perhaps, it is because I am currently so caught up in the thrill of getting life back in order, but God has really been dealing with me about letting go of the reins [kinky]. a bit, in every area of my life.

I recently put a quote on my computer from Oswald Chambers [Whittaker Chambers' lone cousin who worked in the Texas book depository] that says, "If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the leisureliness which ought to characterize the children of God." [What a co-ink-ee-dink! I just put a quote on my computer from HL Mencken that says...

"As democracy is perfected, the office of President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron"

I need to be reminded of that. I can get so consumed with my agendas, to-do list, dreams, goals, and plans that I forget to rest and enjoy today[Um, maybe your ass wouldn't have its own zip code if you spent a little less time resting and enjoying the drive-thru window at White Castle]. Tomorrow is not up to me! Why do I forget that so easily? [Yeah. I thought elephants never forgot.]

A very funny thing just happened while I was in the middle of writing this E-letter [I was harpooned by Eskimos]. My mother[AKA "Mr. Big Dick"] called and asked if she could take me to Vermont for a two-day, two-night, Bed & Breakfast, fall foliage, 30-mile, bicycling tour - next weekend! [Ah, that reminds me of the time that my mother called and asked if I could loan her some money because my dad's pension fund vanished like a white Co-Ed on vacation in Aruba.]

I looked at my calendar and next weekend is only one-of-two weekends I'm not speaking somewhere between now and Thanksgiving[Diagram that sentence and win a migraine]. We were going to have Haven's birthday on that Saturday but we had to postpone it because some of her best friends couldn't come. So those dates are wide open. Looks like God to me! [Whoa, big fella! If a birthday party getting postponed qualifies as proof of an invisible deity, then my getting laid at the Junior Prom makes me the One true Christ]

When I called to ask Steve if I could go and if I could use some of our free airline miles to make the trip he said, "Yes, of course. I just have one question. When is the last time you rode a bike?" ["Without it collapsing beneath the massive folds of your ample walrus-like flesh"] Oh, don't bother me with trivial details like that. I'm living for today! So what if I don't even own a bike. Who cares if I've only gotten back to exercising again in the last week? Please don't remind me about that impending manuscript deadline. I want to live like a child of God today rather than an adult of God. [You know that scene in Scanners...]

I just had another one of my brilliant ideas [Hurry, before it dies of loneliness]. Do me a favor. Stop for a second, breathe a quick prayer, and ask God to interrupt your plans, agendas, schedules, and to-do lists sometime this month to simply thrill you. As audacious as that sounds, it is not a daring request. You don't really think that if you asked your Father in heaven to throw you a surprise party that He would give you a "White Elephant" exchange instead, do you? Can you dare to believe that God will get an even bigger kick out of delighting you than you will by being the recipient of His lavish love? [You want a prayer, princess? I'll give you a pray: Dear God, what the fuck happened to your followers? They used to be decent human beings like William Penn, Martin Luther King, and Elvis. Now, when I look for True Believers all I see are the Timothy McViegh's Osama bin Laden's, and a couple hundred thousand Jews in tanks. Shit Luther, the "Vicar of Christ" is former member of the Hitler Youth. So, if a man is judged by the company he keeps I'd rather toss my lot in with all of those folks who deny your existence. They seem, on the surface at least, to be a kinder, gentler crowd. Oh, and one more thing: try to keep your hands off our fourteen-year-old virgins, you omnipresent cherry-chaser.]

God is bigger and sweeter and funner and wealthier and huge-r[Wouldn't it be easier to just to say that God is "double-plus good"?] than you could ever imagine[Just ask Ashera - his wife!]. But try anyway. Then ask boldly with expectation of His extravagant grace. I can't wait to hear how He surprises you this month. I can't wait to hear how He surprises you this month, in spite of our best efforts to control the universe, or at least our own little world. [Last month he covered me in boils]

Last year, while attending Life Pacific Bible College in California... [From the Life Pacific Bible College student handbook: ]

Social dancing is not generally permitted on campus. It may not be sponsored or planned as an activity by any official student group on or off campus without special permission from the Dean of Students. A demonstrably wholesome environment and approach will be required for special permission to be granted.

Oh, OK. What about Off-Campus dancing?

Students may not enter secular dance clubs, bars, pubs, nightclubs, or similar places.

...my brother, Justice, began painting to make some extra money for his upcoming marriage. He became so successful that he ultimately had to quit his day job because he was overwhelmed with requests for his artwork. [Note that Blair never tell us exactly what her brother's day job was. I'm sure that had he been a doctor or lawyer she would've mentioned it.]

I believe one of the reasons there is such a demand for Justice's artwork is because his visual messages reflect, and at the same, penetrate the culture. [There will always be a market for pictures of children with huge, sad eyes painted on black velvet] On the surface, the artwork is creative, contemporary, hip and fun enough to hang in the room of any teenager, college dorm, or apartment of a "Generation X,Y, or Z-er!" It is also multi-layered, complex, profound, and courageous enough to voice the questions these same young people are asking.

The Answer permeates every piece of art Justice creates.

[An extensive search of the web failed to turn up any images of Justice's artwork. I did, however, find this gem of a web site. A kindred soul!]

God's World News and World Magazine - When my children were younger, they LOVED reading "God's World News" as part of their schoolwork[Sure beats having to learn all that Shakespeare]. They enjoyed understanding the current events and I appreciated the fact that they were learning about the world around them from a Christian perspective. Recently, our family began subscribing to "World Magazine" which is the same concept, news from a Biblical worldview, for teenagers and adults. Check it out. They are both stimulating for the brain and the spirit. [Tinfoil hat sold separately]

For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn - If you are a woman [or thinking of purchasing one] and haven't read this book then I urge you to click on the link and purchase it immediately. It is the best marriage book I've ever read. It will change your life! I'm actually working through the "For Women Only - The Bible Study" right now and I've fallen in love all over again. (Not only with the book, but also my husband.) I even ordered "For Young Women Only" and both of my daughters learned SO much about young men and the way they think. Trust me on this one, girls.

[Shaunti Feldhahn is also the author of Y2K: The Millennium Bug. Here's the synopsis form the doom-merchants at Armageddon Books: ]

The only immunization is more time, and time is running out. The year 2000 computer bug, affecting our banks, government, phone companies, electric companies, and Social Security system, is dreaded to be one of the largest "bugs" to hit the entire world-all in one day. Shaunti Feldhahn, a former financial analyst at the Federal Reserve, provides the most up-to-date facts on this worldwide threat. Presenting the substantive advice of Christian leaders, she offers three possible scenarios that could result from the Y2K problem

Dear Lord, thank You that You are both, the God of order and surprises [and polka music, tampons, Broadway musicals, and toast]. As we begin this New Year, I pray that You will order our days according to Your perfect will and purposes. At the same time, we give You permission to interrupt any of our plans to remind us who's God and what You are like. Wise and wonderful! Thank You for the beauty of family and art. Please bless the authors, publishers, and producers who provide resources for us to grow[Particularly Larry Flint]. Use the Body of Christ[Eeeeuuuuwwww] to shape us into Your destiny for our lives and character. In Jesus name, Amen.

Lisa Whelchel - E-Letter

© 2006 Lisa Whelchel [Additional text by Rodney Anonymous and Crutchy the Comedy Crutch]

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 01:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Some of you might wish to take shelter as I am about to apeshit.

Today during lunch I was checking out the Archaeologica site and daydreaming about excavating Roman villas in Tuscany when I came across this article about the discovery in Ethiopia of a the 3.3 million-year-old bones of child Australopithecus afarensis: the same species as the famous "Lucy".

"Wow, that was a great article," I thought "I wonder if anything has been posted about it over at Pharyngula?"

Before we go any further, I'd like you to do something. Print out the story above and keep in your wallet if you're a man, or in your purse if your either a woman or Dr. Phil. Someday, your grandkids will thank you.

For all I know, Pharyngula had a huge post about the Australopithecus afarensis find. For all I know Pharyngula didn't have a fucking word about it. I don't know because I never got past this post.

All I have to say (OK, it's not all as have to say, as you'll soon see) is that Mr. Biology A. Teacher must be made of sturdier stuff than me 'cause I'd have lit that stupid bitch up like a gawddamn war-on-Christmas tree and then pissed out the flames.

OK. I'd never ever really hit a woman (Ann Coulter doesn't count because she's got an Adam's apple. Just kidding -well, not about Ann's Adam's apple: that fuckin' thing is huge - I wouldn't even hit Ann Coulter) but I would put that paren'tard in her place and make damn certain that she never opened her hillbilly mouth again except to speak on a topic about which she may have some knowledge: like which Wal-Mart has the whitest greeters.

Why? Because ignorance is the opening act for totalitarianism. One day yet let people get away with saying stupid shit and the next day your take on One Day in the Live of Ivan Denisovitch is no longer academic. Hitler, Stalin, and Aimee Mann were all able to rise to power because their followers were dumber than a box of rocks. Oh, and Henry Ford ate dog cocks and finger-fucked squirrels.

So here's what you do: the next time you hear some logically-challenged rustic yammer on about how "Evylooshun is jus' one of them there the-o-ries", do what the good teacher did at first and patiently explain the evidence supporting evolution. If that fails, take the pint out of the article about the Australopithecus afarensis and hand it to the offending rube saying "OK, here's your evidence. Haven't seen one of these around lately, have you?"

If the Babbitt then mutters some stupid shit about Noah's Ark, consider it your duty to grab him or her by the scruff of the next and sneer "Listen, you moron, the very survival of the American way of life is dependent on you understand the relatively simple concept of Evolution. As a patriotic American, it's my obligation to make sure that ideas - real, scientific ideas - penetrate your bony skull. Someday, your grandkids will thank me"

Hey, before you leave, stop by that biology teacher's blog and thank him for doing a great job for what can't be very much money.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 07:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Quote of the Week

As Americans, it is our DUTY to demand that innocent men are not shipped off to foreign countries and tortured for a year to lower the insignificant, tiny chance that we might get killed by a terrorist by another insignificant, tiny fraction. And anyone who can't perform that duty is a coward, a quisling, and a traitor.

That guy over at You Are Dumb

Dear Hugo Chavez,
I don't think I really need to introduce myself since, as a rabid Marxist who loves nothing better than to denigrate George Bush; the odds are pretty good that you've been reading my blog since the late 90's. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, you regularly post in the forum under the name of "razlerja".

As a regular reader you're no doubt familiar with my regular bouts of depression. As a matter of fact, I deep into one of these fits of depression just yesterday afternoon. You see, I had driven down to Barnes & Nobel to eat lunch and browse the books and magazine. So there I am, strolling around the store when my eye caught a copy of a 2007 guide to London. Hugo, I almost burst into tears right there on the spot.

I don't know if you've ever been to London in late September but, with the possible exception of Paris in the spring, there's no better place to be. To put it frankly: It's certainly no sweltering jungle shit-hole like Venezuela. Just thinking about London in the early fall and how, thanks to my obligations (read: job), I won't be seeing London for a very, very long time - if ever again - made want to jump in front of a bus (Only this was in Wilmington and the average speed of a DART bus is roughly three-miles-per-hour. I swear to fuck that I once saw a guy with a walker outrun a DART bus.).

I probably would've remained in a deep state of depression for the rest of that afternoon (and, indeed, for many afternoons to follow) had not I then noticed a table covered with multiple copies of single book - a book to which I had contributed!

Now, you're most likely saying to yourself in that odd Speedy Gonzales voice of yours "Madre con Dios! I am to be reading RATYHTL all the day, yet I am unknowing that Senor Anonymous to a book has contributed. I feel so empty: like I am stricken with Montezuma's Revenge."

Don't feel left out, Hugo. I haven't told any of my reader about the book yet. No, this is not due to any feelings of modestly that might have somehow remained intact after a decade-long career in music. It's just that I was sort of embarrassed. You see, the book is called Weird Hauntings, and it's not the sort of book that I usually promote on my web site.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad book. As a collection of modern folktales goes, I think it's fascinating. And I'm honored that Mark & Mark of Weird New Jersey fame were kind enough to include me in the project as I've been impressed by their work for years. And I'm pretty damn pleased that, while the version that ended up in print is a pretty heavily edited version of the draft I submitted (this is OK as I told the editor to do with it whatever she pleased), my piece is the only one that offers logical explanations for the weirdness encountered. Sure, it's not the Paris Review, but it's something; right? In fact, it might just be something to be proud of!

And that's the thought that came to me, like a ray of sunshine, standing in that bookstore on Tuesday afternoon. I was, once again, smiling. But I still wasn't any closer to London. And that's were you come in, Hugo.

I noticed that during your speech to the UN today, you plugged a copy of Noam Chomsky's Hegemony or Survival: America's Quest for Global Dominance. While that's a mighty fine read, I'm sure you realize that Professor Chomsky has enough cash on hand to visit London whenever he damn well pleases. If you're really interested in helping out the underprivileged, then you might want to spend the month or two that you have left on Earth before the CIA whacks you plugging Weird Hauntings. You could do a lot worse.

Yours in Christ (which is to say "Yours in me"),

Rodney Anonymous

PS. Be sure to tune in Friday night for Blair's latest E-letter.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 07:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I really wanted to get some writing done tonight (in particular, I was hoping to post a piece about our new mascot, Crutchy the Comedy Crutch) but the sad truth is that I'm both physically and mentally exhausted, so I'm just gonna hurl three random tubes-of-the-internets posts at you to hold you over until tomorrow night:

Although Firefly (if that is her real name) has already drawn attention to it in the forum, it still bears repeating: A man has had his penis transplant reversed

"Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off," Hu said in a report published online by the peer reviewed journal European Urology, without elaborating.

I like how all of the news pieces keep saying that the guy lost penis number one in a "traumatic accident". Any accident involving the penis, just short of it accidentally falling into Juliet Lewis, is going to be traumatic

Speaking of dicks getting chopped up, here's our ol' buddy Chris Hitchens doing a hatchet job on Pope Ratzinger

But if you really wanna see somebody go completely Omar, then check out this rant from Professor PZ Meyers.

If none of those links really do it for you, you can always check out what I consider to be the most disturbing thing ever posted on the web

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 06:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Appy-polly-logies for the lack of posts this week. I've been on-call, and by now we all know what that does to my schedule. While being tethered to a pager has prevented me from getting to see Jebuz Camp, Vienna and I were still able to rendezvous with Mr. and Mrs. Dean Clean and attend the fabled Media Yard Sale (Unfortunately, I was paged just as I was leaving the house to catch Joe at Clark Park) [Dean and Joe: If either of you are reading this, I've written a song for you called "All the Wrong People Are Jamming with Elvis Costello"]

Well, like I said, at lease I got to go to the Media Yard Sale: and am I ever glad I did. Get ready to get all jealous and sing the Drama Queen Song because, for a mere $800, I managed to score an authentic Albert Camus autographed baseball bat.

Maybe my lack of formal education is to blame, but until yesterday afternoon I had no idea that between the time when he graduated with his degree in philosophy and when he married morphine addict and baseball stats junkie Simone Hié, Albert Camus spent four years playing Major League ball in America (including one season with the Philadelphia Phillies! I paid another $30 for a Camus baseball card: a steal!) where he picked up the nickname "The Plagueless Joe".

In a couple of years I should be able to retire off the money I make selling Camus' bat on Ebay. Why wait a couple of years? Well, Bush is currently reading The Stranger (maybe he's looking for tips on Arab-killing?), and as we all know from Bush's struggle with Charlotte Simmons the textually-challenged Texan reads at a rather slow pace, and I'd like to give him a chance to finish the book Just in case he wants to bid on the bat.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 12:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey there, swingin' bachelors. How many times have you caught yourself mumbling aloud the following statement on a crowed subway car: "If only there were some way to enjoy the musings of Mr. Anonymous and ogle scantily clad rockabilly women simultaneously"? Well, bait that snare-trap because the Bunny of Luck is about to hop down your trail.

Barracuda #26 has just hit the newsstands of America. Along with the usual pictorials of Hot White Trash Wimmin Folk and instructional articals about how to cook a hotdog on your car's radiator, you'll find a piece by me ("Gurl Crazy") on the only subject on which I can truly be called an expert: Lisa "Blair" Whelchel.

Now, just so you don't fill up the comments section with whining about how you were tricked into reading a commercial (would you rather I not tell you when my stuff gets published?), I might as well take this opertunity to introduce a new recurring character: Crutchy, The Comedy Crutch.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 07:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

A recent poll found that 36% of the Americans questioned believed that the US government "either assisted in the 9/11 attacks or took no action to stop the attacks because they wanted the United States to go to war in the Middle East."

If these morons have such a hard-on for a conspiracy theory about 9/11, I'll give 'em one: Nearly all of America's smart people were killed in the 9/11 attacks. For evidence of this, I point to the aforementioned poll as well as two others. The first found that nearly 70% of Americans found it "at least likely" that Saddam Hussein was involved in the 9/11 attacks, despite overwhelmingly conclusive evidence to the contrary; the second uncovered that 30% of Americans could not remember in what year the 9/11 attacks took place.

This new conspiracy theory of mine would also explain why we haven't been attacked again. Having killed off most America's smart people, al Qaeda figures that we can finish the job of destroying our country on our own.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 07:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

100% true story: I swear by all that is Charles Nelson Reilly.

On Thursday night Vienna and I went to see Amnesia Curiosa which was presented less then a block away* from our home at the Pennsylvania Hospital in an old operating theater (yes, just like the ones in the Frankenstein movies).

For reasons involving my wife's unwillingness to push past the elderly and infirm, Vienna and I ended up being seated in the rafters of the amphitheatre (if you click on the link above, you'll get to experience our exact view). Eventully, we settled in and that's when I looked ten feet to my right and discovered that we were sharing the rafters with Marty Moss-Coane, host of WHYY's Radio Times. [For the record: Marty seemed to love the show and was incredibly nice when I caught up with her later and told her how much I love here radio show]

Now, here's comes the weird part.

As it was just beginning to sink in that I was sitting only a few feet away from a local celebrity, my eyes found there way to a group of reserved seats, just off the floor, about twenty feet below me. There, being ushered into her seat, was none other than living mummy Suzanne Roberts. Yes, the same Suzanne Roberts who has been savagely mocked on this very website. Vienna must've spotted her at the exact same moment I did because I suddenly felt her squeeze my arm and whisper "Holy shit! She's even scarier in real life than she is on TV." [For the record: It was impossible to tell whether or not Suzanne enjoyed the show as her face remained an immovable mask throughout the performance] Later, at home, we had a great time coming up with Suzanne-isms like "What's a Taiwanese Pudding Poker?" If you'd like to create your own Suzanne-isms, simply combine any nationality, food item, and any household object; then phrase that combo in the form of a question. Example: "What's a Norwegian Taco Hammer?" By the way, if you have no idea what a blumpie is, you're a lot better off not knowing. In this case, ignorance is not only bliss, it's nirvana. But, if you really need to know, click here and scroll down. And may the Lord have mercy on your soul.

OK, moving on to more serious topics (which, considering the above, could be just about anything).

As you may have heard, here in PA, the Democrats have been up to some dirty tricks with the petitions of our US Senate candidate Carl Romanelli.[Carl was recently attacked on the air by talking-turd Al Franken] I've been meaning to write about this for sometime now. Fortunately, my good friend (and former Congressional candidate) Chris Randolph has done a better job in a recent email than I ever could have:

Heavy-hearted greetings from Democracytown -

What follows is the 'party of the people' in action in PA in 2006. Note that when
George W. Bush's people failed to file their paperwork on time to appear on the ballot at all in Illinois & Florida in 2004. Consider that for a second, Bush would have been a write-in candidate (!) in two of the biggest states in the country if the law were obeyed! EVERY Bush vote in those states would have to be handcounted and subject to review /dismissal for the slightest deviation or difficulty in reading (as Nader votes were in PA, despite the fact his paperwork was in order and 50x the signatures were required to put him on the ballot)! Many Bush-inclined voters wouldn't have bothered. Throw FL in the Kerry column and he wins. Force the GOP to either abandon IL or put a huge amount of resources into just figuring out how to explain to people how to write-in votes and they get bogged down & the Dems have extra resources for other states. (Not that I think this would have made things perceivably better but most of you did. In fact you should be more upset about this than me logically if you did advocate voting for Kerry...).

So the Dems hopped into action; in IL the gov. (Dem) & state assembly (Dem controlled) passed a special law retroactively placing Bush/Cheney and the rest of the IL slate on the ballot. Hard to believe but true.

In FL the Reps were in control, so they simply ignored the law and put Bush on the ballot even though he filed past the the deadline. The Dems in FL or for that matter nationally just let that pass, Not a peep of protest, not a court case, nothin'.

They're rotten from the top down, and not a one of them gets a vote of mine this year, not if I have to write in everyone (myself included). Read on if you dare...

Forward from the state delegate listserv.

Blyden Potts
Shippensburg, PA 17257
Blyden4@comcast.net

*Funniest Joke EVAR!: Two cops are on patrol in Las Vegas when they spot Mike Tyson beating the Hell out of Jackie Mason. Not wanting to get their ears bitten off, the policemen approach carefully and ask Mr. Tyson for the why he is pounding the comedian into a bloody pulp. "Because," replies Mr. Tyson "he called me a Black bastard!"

"Jackie, is this true?" ask the police.

"No." says Jackie Mason. "He asked me where the Sands hotel was, and I said 'You're a block past it'."

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 12:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 06:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Congratulations on your victory in the Florida Republican Primary. May I suggest that you celebrate with a steaming bowl of shut-the-fuck-up and a delicious side order of and-never-open-your-goddamn-mouth-again-you-walking-shit-heap?

Yes, we all know that the campaign trail was a little bumpy at times. Just ask your staff: over a dozen of whom have quit in the last year, many claiming that you were abusive to your underlings*. And should you feel bad about those former staffers' charges that you were emotionally unstable, I'm sure that your campaign manger will stick up for you. Um, you're on your fourth one, right?

Well, my point is that you still have friends. Take your good buddy Mitchell Wade who believed in you enough to front you $32,000 in illegal campaign contributions.

And then came that interview with the Florida Baptist Witness. The one in which you said...

If you are not electing Christians, tried and true, under public scrutiny and pressure, if you're not electing Christians then in essence you are going to legislate sin. They can legislate sin. They can say that abortion is alright. They can vote to sustain gay marriage. And that will take western civilization, indeed other nations because people look to our country as one nation as under God and whenever we legislate sin and we say abortion is permissible and we say gay unions are permissible, then average citizens who are not Christians, because they don't know better, we are leading them astray and it's wrong.

Like I said, it's been a bumpy road, but we all wish you the best of luck in November...

...you batshit-crazy, baboon-blowing, turd-smoking, amoeba-molesting bitch.

* Here are a few gems from recent pieces in The Palm Beach Post:

...for those travel aides, a top priority was to get her Starbucks coffee, no matter where she was campaigning, "and God help him if it wasn't hot," an aide said. Several aides said Harris was so obsessed with Starbucks coffee she insisted that Starbucks locations be mapped out when she was traveling from one campaign stop to another. One aide recalled going to Harris' house for a day of fund-raising calls without bringing her a cup of Starbucks. The aide said Harris made it clear that it was expected he bring her a coffee when coming to her house.

...Harris also routinely belittled the efforts of her press aides and speech writers, saying their writing was "the worst she had ever seen," and spending hours rewriting their work, one aide said. Once, her staff took a speech Harris had rewritten, saved it for about two months, and then gave it back to her as a proposed speech. Harris called it "terrible."

... When the staff informed her she had written it, she said, "I guess I had a bad day." Harris, 49, frequently wore tight-fitting outfits, low-cut tops or short skirts that several aides said they considered inappropriate for a middle-aged Senate candidate. At least one aide went shopping with Harris to help her find more suitable clothing, but there was little change in her apparel. Even when the press noted her sexy outfits, such as when she wore a form-fitting hot pink shirt while riding a horse at the Arcadia rodeo, Harris found it amusing, the aides said.

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 07:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The Vatican should really start billing itself as the most fuck-witted place on Earth. It like their rulebook was written by a group of crack addicts who were dared to scribble down the craziest shit that audibly popped into their skulls. Get caught plooking an alter boy: get transferred to another dioceses. Do it again: get transferred again. If you like traveling and cleaving young boys' asses, the Vatican might have a job for you. However, should you do something that many educated individuals find to be quite admirable, something that doesn't involve using your holy staff to ram the fear of God into a Little Leaguer, something like, say pointing out that Intelligent Design in a steaming pile of horseshit, then you may expect to be given the sack instead of the sacraments.

Then again, what can you really expect form an organization that employs its own witch doctor who claims that both Stalin and Hitler were possessed (the latter coming as a shocking blow to the Pope) and that Harry Potter is the "King of Darkness"

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 07:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

We've got a great deal of ground to cover and not a whole lot of time to do it in, so let's start with the foul goop that's collected at the bottom of our cultural barrel: AKA the Lifetime Network.

When it comes to Guilty Pleasures (which really should be the title of a Lifetime movie), both Lifetime and the Lifetime Movie Network should be at the top of everybody's list (although in the case of Lifetime and LMN it's Guilty By Reason of Insanity). If you wake up at 3 AM with a burning desire to indulge your inner xenophobe with Not Without My Daughter, Lifetime has your back.

That said, there are plenty of reasons to despise Lifetime. Currently the Number Two spot on the list of Lifetime's Crimes Against Your Sanity is Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. Here's a quick RATYHTL plot synopsis: Teenage boys finds titties on the intertubes - wants to see more. Mom goes fuckobazoo when informed that friend's marriage was destroyed by internet porn. There's so much wrong here, it's hard to figure out where to start but I'll do my best:

In the minor league there's the fact that this whole thing could've been delegated to the role of non-issue by moving junior's computer from his bedroom to the family room.

Moving up (or down?) the ladder, who the fuck was expecting a Nobel Prize nomination for the ground-breaking discovery that men (in particular teenage boys) like staring at pictures of nekkid women? Of course, like those PSA's in which two puffs marijuana turn little Billy into a drooling heroin addict, in the Lifetime universe merely catching a glimpse of a pair of bare breasts results in endless, sleepless nights spent cruising the web for donkey porn. Call me Captain Reality, but if you're the sort of sick fuck who has even the slightest interest in bestiality or kiddie porn, your problems go a whole lot deeper than the internet (and you'd better get your head straightened out pretty quickly before I end up with your blood all over my new Carolinas). Ad while we're at it, if your marriage wasn't "destroyed by internet porn"; it as destroyed by the fact that you should've checked to see if your sexual interests were in sync before you got to the alter.

"Addicts blur the lines between fiction and fantasy, creating devastating effects on relationships," - Executive producer Paul Goff (Who is no longer welcome in the World of Men).

Next up (and, admittedly, some may view this as a minor point), before I caught the ten or so minutes of Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life that I actually watched, I used to think that Kelly Lynch was kinda hot, but in CS:HSL she looks like she's getting ready to audition for the title role in The Ann Coulter Story

But the biggest sin committed by Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life is that it reinforces several negative stereotypes about women. You'd have to sit through an entire marathon of The Man Show in order to get the picture of the American women as sexually repressed porn-hating killjoys that CS:HSL manages to paint in under two hours.

This talk of stereotypes brings us to Lifetime's Greatest Crime Against Women: Lifetime promotes the belief in the collective stupidity that is astrology (Be sure to check out Lifetime's Astrologer's take on the debate on whether Pluto is a planet or not). Why I this a crime against women in particular? While polls show that 31% of the American public believes in the accuracy of Astrology, if you break that 31% down by gender it works out that 25% are men and 36% are women, which means that women are more likely to be taken advantage of by astrologers than men are. In fact, women are much more likely to be the victims of "psychic" hucksters than me are. Ether way, I'm letting the ladies at Skepchick know about Lifetime's Astrologer. The ball's in their court now.

April 16, 2003 - A Port Huron woman who claimed she was a psychic was sentenced to 23 months to 10 years in prison after admitting in January she defrauded at least one client of $45,000. Cathy Wilson, 44, will receive credit for 322 days already served in the St. Clair County Jail in Port Huron. She was sentenced Jan. 7 to 11 months in jail after being convicted of defrauding another client of $1,700. Wilson tearfully told St. Clair County Circuit Judge James Adair she had become a Christian in jail and wanted to go home to her family in Canada. "Please don't send me to prison...my family has a job set up for me, and I will repay these women," Wilson said. "I know I will never, ever do this sort of thing again." Wilson has admitted to taking money from victims by saying she needed to borrow it to increase her "psychic power."

Posted by Rodney Anonymous at 10:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)