Thoughtless for the Day

The colorful Norweign Turd Festival that is Ma and Pa conglomerate Comcast stretches for far too many blocks to be covered in a single post [For some audio-intensive hilarity, I strongly suggest you give a listen to this episode of the Paul Kircher Show in which Paul and I chat with Joe DiStefano, author of Comcasted- How Ralph and Brian Roberts Took Over America's TV, One Deal at a Time.. For weeks before this show, Paul and I had been amusing ourselves with impersonations of Suzanne Robert, hostmummy of Seeking Solutions With Suzanne asking for descriptions of bizarre sex acts: "What's a donkey-punch?" "What's a Mongolian cluster-fuck?"], so today I'd like to focus on It's Your Call with Lynn Doyle. [Yes, the words "Emmy Award-winning issues-oriented talk show" actually appear on that site. We can only hope that at the ceremony Lynn Doyle was presented with a gold-plated lump of Shut The Fuck Up. ]

If you've never caught an episode of IYC, but you have awoken in a syrupy mixture of your own vomit and your then you haven't really missed anything as both experiences are pretty much the same. Basically, each episode of IYC consists of human-bobblehead Doyle staring blankly into a camera and attempting to moderate a panel discussion while remaining anything but moderate. If you're a stammering maniac, rest assured that Lynn will identify with you and toss nothing but softballs in your direction.

But most of all, Lynn is a sucker for psychics. Here's Lynn with fellow traveler in the netherworld, Michele Livingston. A rational human being might counter the appearance of a table-tapping twit with a few words from a skeptic. Lynn Doyle is clearly not a rational human being. And that's why she deserves what we're about to do to her.

This Wednesday night at 9:00 PM EST, Lynn's guest will be "international medium and medical intuitive" Joan Marie Whelan as well every possible reader of RATYHTL who calls 1-877-CN8-LIVE and manages to get through [Call that number at 8:45 or you might never get to speak on the air. If you get a busy signal, keep trying]

Below are some suggested scenarios that you can use to help test Ms Whelan's psychic abilities:

Scenario Number One: So that's why there was an extra sausage at breakfast.
If you've never been taxed by the presence of a sibling in your life (or if you have only brothers or sisters), call in and ask to speak to your dead brother/sister whom you never really got to know because he or she snuffed it when you were very young. Missing imaginary relatives may be substituted for fictional dead ones (I'd ask to speak with "my brother, Raul, who disappeared while canoeing with Michael Rockefeller). After Ol' Crystal Balls delivers a special message from your non-existent sibling on the "other side", reveal the truth and wait for the psychic's prepared dodge: the spirit with whom they spoke was actually an evil spirit intent on trickery! That's when you get to ask how she knows that all of the other spirits with she has communicated aren't evil spirits with ectoplasmic wild hairs up their asses?

Scenario Number Two: "I'm seeing the letter 'B' and 'S'"
If Marie launches into that "I'm seeing the letter 'M'" (the most common first letter in the names of women) or "I'm picturing the letter 'J'" (the most common first letter in the names of women) crap, wait for her to say "Does this mean anything to you" before hitting back with "You tell me; you're the psychic."

Scenario Number Three: The truth shall set you free. Well, maybe not you, but somebody.
Ask for some info about a genuinely dead relative. Give short yes or no answers to medium Whelan questions and keep score of her hits and misses. Be sure to let her know how she did!

Scenario Number Four: You may have already won one million dollars.
Ask Marie why she hasn't contacted the James Randi Educational Foundation and applied for the Million Dollar Challenge; then sit back and watch the weaseling begin. If Whelan claims that she could never except that kind of money for her "gift", remind her that the JREF would gladly donate the money to the charity of her choice. If she claims that the test is rigged, ask her how she can be certain if she's never contacted the folks at the JREF to work out the details.

Scenario Number Five: "I get this sense of déjà vu when viewing The Passion of the Christ
Tell swami Whelan that you strongly believed that you lived one before... long time ago... in Judea... during the Roman occupation. Slowly reveal that, in a past life, you were Jesus H. Christ. A variation on this scenario is to claim that you're certain that you lived in ancient Egypt under the reign of pharaoh Chihoponopsin (who, naturally never existed) and that you were killed when the Amazon flooded (I'll bet you $20 that Lynn Doyle won't catch this). Be sure to ask Marie why it is that you can't speak Egyptian and why you recollections turn out to be historically inaccurate.

If you can't get through 1-877-CN8-LIVE, be sure to call the viewer line at 215-952-4999 and give Lynn Hell for her lack of skepticism (and brain cells).

Together, we can make this happen.