Thoughtless for the Day

It's good to know that there's still at least one thing that Americans are more proficient at then anybody else in the world: even if that one thing is irony. This week America's mighty Arsenal of Irony was paraded before the hungry eyes of the rest of the planet's population in the form of a battered Nancy Reagan.

The widow Reagan, whose husband had presided over the wedding of the Republican Party to the Religious Right, had spent the earlier part of the week urging doorstop-turned-President George Bush not to veto a bill that would open up new lines for stem cell research only to be flatly reminded that the Snake-handlers are calling shots now. Seeing Mrs. Reagan left standing, abandoned, by the roadside of history almost made you forget what a miserable old kkkunt she is. Well Nancy, it looks like you'll have to move to Plan B: bathing in the blood of virgins.

Yes, this was the week that George v2.0 stopped speaking-in-tongues long enough to veto his first bill; forever ensured that his name would never again be used in the same sentence as that of Thomas Jefferson who served two terms without ever vetoing a bill (or getting lost in the Oval Office, for that matter).

Why should we care about stem cell research? After all, we're neither elderly, infirm, or infertile. In fact, I fathered sixteen bastards why typing the last paragraph. What we are, however, is the cheering section for irony, and as such we should pay strict attention to the tale of Georgie's Big Veto.

Irony On A Half Shell: Baby Go Bye Bye

As pointed out by Ronald Bailey in his highly acidic essay Is Heaven Populated Chiefly by the Souls of Embryos?, roughly 60 to 80 % (let's call it 70) "of all naturally conceived embryos are simply flushed out in women's normal menstrual flows unnoticed." Translation: Every day a highly disorganized God allows gazillions of perfectly good embryos to be flushed away. Why aren't Pro-Lifers from coast-to-coast diving into our nation's toilets in order to save these babies-to-be? Bailey offers an interesting thought experiment for the folks who believe that these embryos have all the rights that you and I do (or used to have before the PATRIOT Act was passed): A fire breaks out in a fertility clinic and you have a choice: You can save a three-year-old child or a Petri dish containing 10 seven-day old embryos. Which do you choose to rescue?

Irony On Ice: Snowflake Children

Because nothing says "Hey, I'm taking the moral high ground here" like using children as props Bush speckled his veto party with a noisy smattering of "Snowflake Children". Don't confuse Snowflake Children with Indigo Children. Indigo Children are human/alien hybrids, whereas Snowflake Children are kids who were conceived via in vitro fertilization from "adopted" frozen embryos. Pointing in the general direction of the little Petri-punks, Bush exclaimed, "These boys and girls are not spare parts. They remind us of what is lost when embryos are destroyed in the name of research."
The problem here is finding 400,000 women willing to be impregnated with the current stock of frozen embryos. The irony, as once again pointed out by our buddy Ron Bailey is that since the era of the Pet Rock, religious conservatives have opposed in vitro fertilization. So, according to Bush's base, he's only half correct. These boys and girls are not spare parts; what they are is an abomination in the eyes of God: An abomination whose very existence portents the coming of the Antichrist.

Turning Irony Up To 11: Putting the "Lie" in Librarian

Two years ago, Laura Bush defended her husband's stance on the use embryonic stem cells saying, "…I know that embryonic stem cell research is very preliminary right now, and the implication that cures for Alzheimer's are around the corner is just not right, and it's really not fair to the people who are watching a loved one suffer with this disease." Got that? Since the benefits of embryonic stem cell research won't be available until a future date, we shouldn't bother with it.

Seeing Mrs. Bush left standing, abandoned, by the roadside of sanity almost makes you forget what a miserable middle-aged kkkunt she is.

By the way, the Bush administration has re-worked this "logic" to claim that since adult stem cell research has shown some promise we no longer need to study embryonic stem cells. What they've neglected to mention is that our current knowledge of adult stem cells (and any future knowledge) has come directly from embryonic stem cell research.

Gimme That Ol' Time Irony: Farmer George Falls Off His Horse

Just as Ronald Reagan spun the Wheel O' Irony and stood by helplessly as it landed squarely on Spend Your Golden Years Shitting Your Pants and Calling Your Bedpost Ed Meese, the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate will certainly one day descend on George Bush's ranch.

Yes, I know that the President's ranch is actually an estate; just as I know that the White House should properly be referred to as The Presidential Palace: no matter who resides there. The point is that Bush actually thinks it's a ranch: or at least he does whenever photographers are present. That's why we've been treated to hundreds of pictures of George bailing chickens, plowing the tops of his orchard, planting cattle, and doing whatever else the fuck ranchers are supposed to do.

And therein lies the rub. Ranches are notoriously dangerous placesand I've heard that George Bush has fallen off a wagon more than once. What if he were to fall off his horse? It could happen. It certainly did to Christopher Reeve who, despite his horrific injury, went on to become a tireless (unless you count the two on his wheelchair. Badda Bing!) champion for stem cell research.