Thoughtless for the Day

"All right. You've covered your ass, now."

- President Bush to CIA briefer on the August 6, 2001 Presidential Daily Brief titled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S."

"Someday the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."

- H.L. Mencken

About a dozen or so years ago, when I was still single, I took a look around the wildlife preserve that was my studio apartment and asked myself "What the fuck is my problem?" Not only did the place look like someone had parked a trash-barge on the third floor of a Pine Street brownstone, but among the many layers of dust was a layer of dust an inch or so thick on my keyboards which meant that I'd clearly been ignoring my songwriting duties.

After a brief analysis, I determined that my problem was twofold: Alcohol and women. Admittedly, if a man's going to have problems, it should be those two. I eventually remedied the situation by sobering up and getting married. Unfortunately, amid all the clutter of my life, I had failed to diagnose a third problem: I have never been good at prioritization.

My inability to prioritize is the reason that I'm am currently looking at the hastily written and seldom updated mess that is this web site and asking myself "What the fuck is my problem?" Oh, that's right; I answered that question in the last paragraph. Never mind. That's just say that for some reason it seemed more important to pain my tiny plastic Roman army that it did to blog. There; I've admitted it. And let us never speak of it again.

If I was going to take some time off, the last few weeks was, of course, the worst possible time during which to disappear. So much happened, much of it of historically idiotic proportions, that the recap is going to take at least two posts; so, the sooner we get started, the better:

Worst al Qaeda Cell EVER Captured

Yippee shit! The FBI captured seven extremely dangerous naughty men who were plotting to blow up, among other things, Chicago's Sears Tower. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel safer and I couldn't be happier about handing over many of my civil liberties for that feeling of safety. I know I've said some pretty bad things about the Global War on Terror in the past, but I'm big enough to admit that I was wrong. After all, a high-priority arrest like...

What?

The seven extremely dangerous naughty members of "The Sea of David" (which counted among its members "Brother Pat", "Brother B", and "Brother Rot", and whose leader was reportedly given to wandering the streets at three AM in a bathrobe waving a crooked stick) had no money, explosives *, or conventional weapons with which to carry out their Jihad? Shit Luther, my tiny plastic Roman army has a better chance of overthrowing the government than The Sea of David.

OK, so if these extremely dangerous naughty Muslim terrorists aren't exactly terrorists, they are at least Muslims, right?

Ummm...no.

It turns out that The Sea of David are a sort of cult which mixed Judaism and Christianity (the mother of one of the group's members insisted that her son is a Catholic) with a minuscule amount of Islam and… wait for it... Santeria.

Way to go FBI! Fuck you with a hairy AIDS cock. Nice waste of resources; good luck rounding up the extremely dangerous naughty surviving members of The Village People.

Worst Senator EVER and His Butt-Buddy Find "WMD"

While I may have been right all along in my criticism of the government's mishandling of the War on Terror, it turns out that I, like many, many others, we're gravely mistaken in our believe that there were no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, as two high-ranking government officials recently went on a news program to read from a recently declassified government report stating that WMD had indeed been found.

Appearing on FOX's John Gibson Show (uh oh), Congressman Peter Hoekstra (whoa boy) and Senator Rick Santorum (break out the hairy AIDS cock) quoted from a report that coalition forces had recovered approximately 500 weapons munitions which contained degraded mustard gas or sarin nerve agent. Unfortunately Santorum and Hoekstra left out the word degraded, as in "coalition forces had recovered approximately 500 weapons munitions which contained degraded degraded mustard gas or sarin nerve agent." You see, the WMD to which the 'Tard Twins were referring to turned out not only to be useless but they also dated back to before 1991 and were already dismissed by the White House's Iraq Survey Group.

Way to go Rick! Fuck you with a hairy AIDS cock. Nice waste of resources; good luck in your upcoming search for the One True Ring.

Worst Network EVER Calls For Office of Censorship
There's real reporting and then there's fuck you with a hairy AIDS cock reporting. When the New York Times (the official Right Wing codename for "The Liberal Homo Jew Conspiracy") did some real reporting and published a story about the Treasury Department monitoring international financial transactions, the civil libertarians at FOX News (AKA Hew Haw Jazeera) countered with some of the FYWAHACiest reporting of all time, calling for the US to create an "Office of Censorship".

"There's only so much of that trailer trash pie to go around."

- Cal Thomas, Fox New analyst, on other cable networks going after Fox's audience.

Tomorrow: Flag Burning, Gitmo, Limbaugh, and Starr Jones.

*Unlike Robert Goldstein: America's Most Deadly Podiatrist.