Thoughtless for the Day

The South: It's filled with backward, semi-literate, mouth-breathing, nose-picking morons. And by "The South" I of course mean South Philly.

Last week as congress debate a measure that would make English the United States official language, Joseph "fahgettaboudit" Vento, proprietor of Geno's Steaks at 9th and Passyunk in lovely but culturally challenged South Philadelphia, decide to show his support for the initiative by placing a sign in his establishment's window which reads "This is America. When Ordering, Speak English".

Now, I'm perfectly fine with making English America's (both North and South) official language. I also think that midget porn should be our national porn. This is for a totally different reason than why I link English should be our official language. In the case of midget porn, I'm simply rooting for the underdog, whereas with English it's a matter of seeing a language a really like get some official recognition (like that time GWAR were nominated for a Grammy). And I really like the English language. It's the language of Shakespeare, Hemmingway, Joyce, and everybody who has every written a letter to Penthouse Magazine ("I am a coed at a small Midwestern college"). In fact, I've spent the last twenty years of my life (with varying decrees of success) try to become as proficient in the English language as possible. I've even brushed up on my German (can you properly use the word defenestrate without know that it's from the German root word fenster meaning window) and attempted to learn both Latin and Ancient Greek in an effort to improve my English as these language have contributed heavily to the development of our own.

So, as someone who clearly loves the English language, trust me when I tell you that the biggest threat to our much beloved language is the crown standing in line for Geno's cheesesteakes.

If you've never stood in line at Geno's, then the best way that I can describe the gathering of patrons lined up for some of the shittiest food on the planet is tell you that no is ever in danger of mistaking that crowd for a MENSA meeting ("Why look; isn't that Howard Zinn waiting to buy a pizzasteak?"). Long-story-short: the same bunch of slack jawed idiots who are responsible adding "yous guys", "dem coons is mezzin' up da neighborhood", and "down da shore" to the lexicon have now declared themselves the guardians of the English languages. Would you like a side of irony with those cheesefries? By the way, fellows, nice idea choosing Joe Vento as the intellectual force behind your movement, fellows. Wasn't Noam Chomsky available? Sweet double-parking Jesus, the only decision these morons should be allowed to make is rather they want cheese whiz or provolone on their steak sandwiches.

Of course if Joe "Hey yous guys; speak American!" Vento actually cared about the state of the English language he'd be handing out copies of Eats Shoots, & Leaves with every order of five dollars or, as my good friend and almost-Congressman Chris Randolph suggested, he and his staff would be volunteering to help with adult literacy programs. Personally, I'd love to see the staff at Geno's go the whole nine yards force anyone caught ending a sentence in a preposition or using a double negative to go to the end of the line.

Normally I wouldn't care if Joe Vento hung a shitty little sign in the shitty window of his shitty little business that read "This is Miskatonic University. When Ordering, Praise Cthulu" because I never plan on eating at Geno's and take great comfort in the notion that the throngs of chubby families lined up for grease and shit sandwiches are only quickening their deaths. If this means less morons pontificating upon the fortunes of "Dem Iggles" then, in the name of Charles Darwin, eat up, you stupid fuckers.

Like I said, under normal circumstances I wouldn't give a rat's ass what goes on in that creepy netherworld south of South Street, but these are extraordinary times here in Philadelphia. In the past two decades, the city has been working hard to attract more college educated, intellectual, artsy-fartsy types: you know; real human beings. What good is there in Philly promoting events like Bloomsday * or the Fringe Festival if the xenophobia and anti-intellectualism fostered by the troglodytes at Geno's just frightens all the normal people away?

* Dear Sirs;
I congratulate you on your unblenching and indomitable stand on promoting an English-only atmosphere at your exquisite establishment. It's always heartening to find others who posses and unmitigated love of the English language. Will any of your staff be reading at Bloomsday on the 16th?

Yours in English,
Jerry "Fongo" Fongowski
fongo23@aim.com