Thoughtless for the Day

In the words of Afro-Danish Barbershop Quartet Led Zeppelin, "It's been a long time, been a long time, been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time... since I violated you with a fish."

Speaking of feeling like you've been violated by some slimy creature from the depths of the ocean, it's also been a long lonely X 5 time since Lisa "Blair" Whelchel has graced us with one of her E-Letters. Well, I hope you've stocked up on plastic sheeting, duct tape, and bottled water because the wait is over:

School is out and summer is already in full swing! [Hurry, sacrifice a virgin] As quickly as it reached 90 degrees in Texas, our family is off and running [and are therefore sweaty]. Steve just wrapped up the big annual Foursquare convention [Foreskin convention? Oh, Foursquare convention; that's different. What the fuck is Foursquare?] he produces [along with a strange, cheese-like substance], the kids are packing [heat] for church camps and mission trips and I'm writing another book. Whether your summer plans are to relax and refresh or to go and do and see, I hope you are filled with excited expectation for the months ahead. (The funniest thing just happened. I'm writing this in the Indianapolis airport, waiting for my plane to board [I would've gone with "waiting to board my plane", but what the fuck do I know? After all, God isn't guiding my hand as I write this.], and guess what song just this minute started playing? [Crippled Children Suck?] "School's Out For Summer!")

Last week our whole family spent the week in Washington DC where my husband, Steve, was producing our church's denominational convention. This is a significant time each year for me because the Lord always uses this event to give me the next year's spiritual focus for my life [Or as the rest of us like to call it "hearing voices"]. Last year, He led me to pursue a more sacrificial life of worship. The year before that, he convicted me of being a lazy pray-er and ultimately my book, "The Busy Mom's Guide to [Lesbian Sex] Prayer" was written out of the practical tips He was teaching me about a more disciplined prayer life.

This year He impressed upon my heart the need to be much more intentional about mentoring and discipling those He had placed under my influence [Oh, somebody's under the influence alright]. In many cases, I believe He was talking about you! [God is such a gossipy bitch] The Great Shepherd Himself showed me that you, and especially those of you who join me for my weekly "Coffee Talk" journal entries, are my little flock. That means I need to be more disciplined about praying for you, sharing what I'm learning, and building up a generation of mothers who will shape and mold the next generation of leaders.

I don't know exactly how [to tie my shoelace] this will all play out but just know that you will be in my prayers everyday. As the [Traci] Lord[s] teaches me new things and as I experience challenges and learn from them, you will be the first ones to know about it, as I endeavor to be more transparent, relevant, and practical in my weekly journal entries.

It's about that time of year when we start thinking about the next school year. If the idea of homeschooling has crossed your mind, then you might be [mildly retarded] interested in reading my book, So, You're Thinking About Homeschooling. Here's what the back of that book says:

Homeschooling - You Can Do It
Let Me Show You How
"Doing school" at home...What would that look like? Can I really teach my children? [When I can barely read myself] Can it strengthen our family? What will my mother-in-law think? Is it a better education? Will I ruin them for life? Are they safer at home? Will I go crazy in the process? [Let it go; it's too easy.] What if I need to work outside the home? Must I have twelve children, raise goats, and bake my own bread? Where do I start? And what about Socialization!" [Why does it hurt when I pee?]

Most homeschooling books, full of impressive facts and information [those durn facts], are written to address the mind. I'm guessing that it is for the love of a child that you have even picked up this book in the first place. [Translation: No big words and plenty o' pictures] That is why I have chosen to speak to your heart, along with your minds, using stories [and the occasional sock puppet].

Fifteen Diverse [Wow. There are fifteen shades of white] Families. Fifteen Different Styles.

"Beginning with my own," says Lisa Whelchel, "I want to introduce you to families in unique situations who have all chosen to homeschool for different reasons [Some hate gays, whiles others fear Blacks and Mexicans], using a variety of learning methods [Waterboarding, thumbscrews, etc. ].
My hope is that by the end this parade of homes, you will identify a family situation and teaching approach from these stories that resonates with your personality and philosophy of education.
The bottom line is, you have to find what works for your family. And to do that, you need to know what's out there. So...

Let's rap lightly on the homeschool door and peek inside...

before we decide if we are ready to move in.

-- Lisa

Due to the overwhelmingly encouraging response I've received to my latest book, "Taking Care of the 'Me' in Mommy," [I still don't get that] and the many emails I've received from moms ordering it as a gift for their sisters, friends, and new moms, I'm offering this book as the E-letter Special again this month. The book retails for $19.99 but if you order it from my website you can purchase the book for $15 [$15??? That's like two packs of tiny plastic Roman soldiers].

By the way, if you are one of the moms who have already purchased the book and enjoyed it, would you consider leaving a review on Amazon.com? [Let the contest begin! Bonus points for anyone who sneaks the phrases "race mixing" or "homosexual agenda" into their review.] My publisher told me that makes a very positive difference. Thanks.

www.Foursquare.org [Looks like www.foursquarerum.com was taken] - If you have been wondering, what does Lisa mean by "Foursquare," you can learn more about this smaller, but growing, denomination through their informative website. (Steve's parents are "Foursquare" pastors and Steve is still on staff at Jack Hayford's church in Los Angeles.)

[Jeepers Wally, learning sure is fun. By plugging Jack Hayford's name into Google I've learned all about Dominionism]

Andy Stanley's book, "It Came From Within" - This book is making the rounds through our family. I bought it for Tucker for Easter but I read it before the Easter Bunny left it in his basket [Should the Easter JESUS be leaving it in his basket?]. Haven picked it up next and was extremely convicted [Book her, Danno] so I made it required summer reading for Tucker. I highly recommend this book for parents and kids alike.

www.Eharmony.com - The young woman who drove me to the airport today met her husband through E-harmony.com. It was a fascinating story and I just thought I'd share this website with any of you who feel ready to marry and settle down but have been unable to find "Mr. or Mrs. Right."

[But if you're a Ms. Looking for "Mrs. Right" or a Mr. looking for Mr. Right, you're shit-outta-luck if you're looking on Eharmony.com]

Anthony Evan's CD "Letting Go" - I just left a festival where Anthony was singing but I had already planned to recommend his CD. His sister, Priscilla, is one of my dearest friends but I liked Anthony before I ever met her! His music makes me want to dance and praise the Lord at the same time [Shit Luther, if you're going to become a Shaker, the least you could do is make some furniture.].

If you have a friend who would enjoy receiving this E-letter click here and we will forward it to them.

Dear [Jack]Lord, thank You for the love you've given me for the person reading this E-letter. Grow my heart bigger and my commitment stronger. I ask You to give me wisdom and grace in everything I write so they might know of the great love and infinite mercy You have for each one of Your children. In Jesus name [sic]. Amen.