Would Ya' Look at the Childbearing Hips on that Narwhal
To be honest (Well, to be as honest as I can be: which is somewhere between "Honest Abe" Lincoln and "Total fuckin' Liar Henry" Kissinger) when I read Answers in Genesis' reply to Fongo's email, I was tempted to tell Fongo not to reply back. After all, the folks at AiG had either been extremely nice to someone who was obviously blowing smoke up their Fundieholes, or they were too stupid to recognize a poke in the ribs from the pointy, dung-covered stick of sarcasm. And, after all, what harm are they really doing?
Yes. What harm are they really doing?
If someone wants to believe that the Earth is 6,000 years old and was once entirely coved by a massive flood that was only survived by a single family had found room for either two (Genesis 6:19-20) or seven (Genesis 7:2-3) of every animal, including dinosaurs, on their houseboat I really couldn't give an Intelligently Designed shit. But once someone tries to push this sort of nonsense into the fragile minds of children, that, to me, is a form of child abuse. And it's the worst form of child abuse, because it's the kind that could potentially affect me. Somewhere out there is a little kid who might, one day, become a biologist and find the cure for cancer…unless, of course, he's alienated from the natural sciences by being brainwashed into believing that Evolution is a satanic plot.… and I think of the number of years that she's going to have to carry in their memory... the savagery of this idiotic moment of yours... I just go BERSERK!
Every minute the snake-handlers at AiG spend reading one of Fongo's emails is one less minute they can spend lowering some little kid's IQ.
Fongo, ol' buddy, let 'er rip!
_._
Thank you for your prompt response. I'm really sorry if in my original email I implied that agents of the Antichrist might have infiltrated your fine organization. It's just that sometimes I get so consumed with the Word of the Lord that I need to keep a moist towelette handy.
As for evidence with which to back up my theory, well, that would depend on your definitions of "theory" and "evidence" (as well as the words "definition" and "and", I suppose). If you define a "theory" as an explanation based on observation, experimentation, and reasoning and "evidence" as that which tends to furnish proof, then I may have to get back to you at a latter date. Personally I've never cottoned to those East coast Liberal college-boy definitions for "theory", "evidence", "stalking", or "reasonable hygiene". And, trust me; I know a thing or two about what colleges can do to a man. My cousin Dexter used to live in a shed behind my Aunt's place and never missed church on Sunday (or Friday night if he felt guilty about having suffered a "relapse" during the week and my Aunt got a call about him looking in windows). Long-story-short: Dexter inherited a petting-zoo not too far from the interstate. Well, no sooner does Dexter get ready to move in and set up shop than nosey ol' lady Risby takes him a side and says "Now that you're a proper business man, you outta take some Marketing courses over at the Junior college" and then she started giving him a hard time about being on her property late at night with a stepladder under his arm. Now, as anyone 'round these parts'll tell you (when they're not out hunting for stump water: but don't get me started on that), Dexter is a might impressionable. We've had to lower him a rope on more than one occasion thanks to a certain nursery rhyme that begins with "Ding. Dong. Dell". So Dexter goes off to the Junior college and gets his head filled full of fancy ideas about "demographics", "focus groups" and the importance of leaving road kill where it is. The upshot being that Dexter decided that the petting-zoo should only feature large barnyard animals and should be re-christened as "Heavy Petting". Well, Dexter got a crowd all right: the wrong crowd (Can you believe that someone actually makes leather chaps that fit a 62 inch waistline?). Needless to say, charges were filed.
That's why I define a "theory" as a pretty smart idea that in NO WAY contradicts the Holy Scriptures and "evidence" as what my minister tells me is true. In an effort to clarify my position, please allow me to offer a few examples:
Theory: Stump water cures the Vapors.
On the surface this seems like pretty sound thinking (as we all know that stump water can ward off the heebie jeebies), and it certainly doesn't conflict with anything in the Bible.
Evidence: Only wearing a dead cat around your neck on a greasy string can cure the Vapors.
This is, of course, what my minister told me.
Theory: The Earth orbits the Sun.
No need to stop by Miss Ellie's house (where the minister is often doing the Lord's work late into the night) to check on this one, as it clearly contradicts Psalms 104:5, Jeremiah 31:37, and Ecclesiastes 1:5. And no picture from any Liberal Elite Space Station is gonna make me think otherwise. Is it any coincidence that the first astronaut was a Godless Commie?
Theory: Just because whales have vestigial pelvic bones, femora, and olfactory nerves, that does not mean they evolved from land dwelling animals.
This is a great theory! Not only does it not contradict the Good Book, and have the blessing of my minister (evidence!), but it has also been prominently featured on the Answers in Genesis website. *
Of course, there are some obviously misguided individuals who might point out that the evolution of the whale - from Sinonyx (a wolf-sized, four-limbed mamal), through Pakicetus, Ambulocetus, Rodhocetus, and Basilosaurus all the way to Dorudon (a fully aquatic whale) - is clearly visible from the fossil record. But I say "Clearly visible to whom?" No doubt the same sort of uppity Darwinists who point out that studies of myoglobin, lens alpha-crystallin A, and cytochrome c in forty-six different species of mammals (Later expanded to iincluding alpha- and beta- hemoglobins and ribonuclease in seventy-two species of mammals) conclusively proved that whales are included among the ungulates; that's whom!
Now, as for shaving between your eyebrows, I say that a rule's a rule. If you spot someone who's shaved their eyebrows, how can you be certain (especially in these uncertain times) that they didn't do it to mourn the dead? What if it becomes a fad among young people: like hoola-hoops, Rock 'n' Roll, nose-piercings, or hoping about on one foot while loudly denouncing Tony Danza?
Are you willing to take that risk? For the love of God, keep watching the space between the eyes! Keep watching the space between the eyes!
* Not that I think we really need a rebuttal to AiG's patented brand of bullshit, but here's a lovely backhanded bitch-slap of AiG's Fundie Fact Fudging about whales. Enjoy
fortis, -e -strong, brave
eudaimonizw - considers happy