Thoughtless for the Day

I wasn't there, but this is the way I heard the story:

Nearly a quarter-of-a-century ago in the magical land of Bala Cynwd, Pennsylvania, a local "progressive rock" ("You can learn a lot if you listen to YES: subjects taken from literature's best. Progressive rock. Progressive rock. Don't it suck? Don't it? Don't it really suck?" - The Gizmos) station decided to sponsor a contest to find the best guitarist in the Delaware Valley. It took a month or two but eventually the field was narrowed down to a showdown between two champions: The favorite - a guy with a huge management team and a pending record deal and the underdog - Rich for the Philly punk band Decontrol, one of the most gifted guitarist I've ever seen... and I've seen 'em all.

Of course, everybody new that the outcome had already been decided before the contest was announced and it was a testament to Rich's musical ability that the powers-that-be allowed him to make it as far as he did. On the day of the "big showdown" Rich walked into the music store were the contest was being held carrying a $15 Sears guitar that he had fished out of a trash can a week or so earlier. Stepped in front of the judges, plugged in the Japanese guitar, and proceeded to launch into what I have been told was some of the most amazing acoustic acrobatics ever witnessed. For twenty minutes he played the Hell outta that cheap guitar, making it sound like it had been custom built for his hands at the estimated combined cost of the Gross National Products of the industrialized countries of the world.

And then he began to tear the guitar apart: at first with only his hands (until they became too covered in blood for him to get a proper grip), then with his teeth. When he had killed the guitar, he stood up, gave the finger to the judges, and walked out the door an into legend.

At least that's the way I heard it.

I wasn't there, but this is the way I heard the story:

Steven Colbert bombed at the White House Correspondent Dinner. His timing was off and his delivery was bad Some news outlets chose to altogether ignore the fact that Colbert even appeared at the event and instead focus on the groundbreaking comedy of the opening act: a Bush impersonator. To top it all off, it seems that Colbert was also so durn unAmerican that future 'Tard Write Zone Hall of Flamer Tom Wegmann of Seattle was forced to scrawl the following in the dirt with his dog's penis:

I watched the whole show and I was deeply offended for my country, the President and the military. Stephen Colbert proved beyond a doubt that liberals are worthless human beings, a danger to all of our freedom and lack any sense of decency. Their contributions and value to the country are nil.

Colbert, not funny? This couldn't be. Confused and bleeding from the ears, I decided to check out the video of Colbert's performance for myself. I have now come to the conclusion that those reporters who panned Steven's performance are no doubt the same sort of shitheels who laugh themselves stupid at Mark Russell's tired schtick.

Not only was Colbert very funny ("I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.") but he may have invented a new form of punk rock comedy. It's like Colbert spent his entire life preparing for the day when he would perform in front of a dysfunctional President. Instead of kissing the guy's ass like so many others before him have done, Colbert flipped him off and then walked out the door and into legend.

Speaking of balls...

Congratulations to the jury in the Zacarias Moussaoui to do the correct and sure-to-be unpopular, thing and sentence the terror-turd to life. Sure, Moussaoui's a scum-sucking puppy rapist but he's a scum-sucking puppy rapist who's so detached from reality that even al Qeada attempted to distance themselves from him. The guy wanted to die so he could have one last shot at being a martyr and now that's been denied to him. It almost restores your faith in the legal system.