Thoughtless for the Day

Damn. Maybe Rick Santorum was on to something after all (or maybe he was just on something). We've opened up the can o' worms that is Gay marriage and now the papers are filled with tales of man-on-monkey sex. OK, technically, it's proto-human-on-proto-chimp hanky panky. Either way, it's gonna be fun to see how the cognitively challenged crowd over at Answers in Genesis spin this one. May I suggest, "Well, you have to understand that Noah's Ark was a sort of Biblical interspecies Love Boat. If any monkey fucking went down, it definitely happened there."

Speaking of Fundamentalist monkey fuckers, I went way too easy on Battle Cry (like a little girl) the other day. The more I read about these goose-stepping little asswipes, the more I wanna mess with their heads until they bleed out the ears. Sweet camouflaged Jesus, if I started building a private army that didn't consist of tiny plastic Roman soldiers, the Government would definitely retaliate by doing something equally as crazy: like logging my phone calls for five years without a court order. So why isn't BattleCry (like a bitch) founder Ron Luce currently pulling his orange jumpsuit down around his ankles so that the NSA can shove a microphone up his ass? As Sun Tzu said in The Art of War, "Know thy enemy and know thyself, find naught in fear for 100 battles", so let's all learn about Ron"Ye Olde Towne Crier" Luce.

Ron Luce is the driving force behind Teen Mania Ministries (Which is either the worst name for an organization, or the best name for a band, or a more than adequate name for a porn film. I can't decide.), and the author of Battle Cry for a Generation: The Fight to Save America's Youth, which will be featured on the RATYHTL book-of-the-month-club... the minute I exhaust every other possibility including Archie Comics and Mad Libs.

Perhaps Luce's greatest idea (from a pure "potential for comedy" perspective) is the Honor Academy (Which is either the worst name for a school, or the best name for a '80's Nu Wave band, or a more than adequate name for a teen sex comedy. I can't decide.). And just what is the Honor Academy? Fuck if I can figure it out. The whole thing comes off as a cross between a Scientology seminar and a sweatshop. Officially it's a program "designed to cultivate and develop the leadership potential in young adults while preparing them to impact today's world for Christ" featuring "weekly classes, Life Transforming Events (LTEs) (that is soooo L. Ron Hubbard!), practical hands-on experience, and vocational training in ministry placements."

Vocational training? What sort of careers could these backwards mule-plookers possibly prepare the youth of America for (other than mule-plooking, of course)? Well, there's Graphic Design, Administrative Assistant, Operations and Logistics Support, and Information Tech Specialists. Shit Luther, those jobs aren't so bad. I guess I just might've misjudged...

Oh, wait; there's also Telephone Rep ("I'm calling you during the dinner hour in order to tell you some exciting news about long distance dialing plans."), Maintenance and Grounds Support ("Tell 'em not to flush the toilets until I get that dead rabid squirrel outta the sewer pipe."), and Cafeteria Crew ("Have you tried our delicious apple pies?"). And what does it cost to learn to dial a phone, pull weeds, or drop your WWJD pin into the fry vat? Only $7,200 for the yearlong experience that should prepare any high school graduate for college.

I guess that the important thing to remember here is that Ron Luce is not a homosexual. So I don't want to see any comments like "Jeezuz, what an cock-swallowing, glory-hole Bogarting, penis-pirate" or "$7,200 will buy a lot of late-night helpings of 'Cream of Meat' in the Castro district" or "Luce in the john with sailors", OK?

PS. Don't miss BattleCry's hilarious Teenage Bill of Rights