Thoughtless for the Day

Godmotherfuckingshitdamnit! I really screwed up this time. Monday night I was too tired to check my email (or, for that matter post Monday's Fundie Funny). Well, I regret the decision to head off to bed early for the rest of my life because...well, since there's no delicate way to break this news to you, so I'm just going to come right out with it:

Monday night Blair sent out her first communiqué in months. Now, under normal circumstances, I could've waited a few days to drop Blair's steaming pile of narcissism before your eyes; unfortunately, this email contained some time-sensitive (as well as lab monkey crazy) material. So I resolved to post it last night: after a short nap and well... you can figure out how that worked out. Forgive me... and put on your HazMat suits because Blair is about to speak:

I know, this E-Blast isn't as pretty as my new and improved E-letter ["new and improved E-letter"??? What the fuck is Blair talking about? If there's a "new and improved E-letter", then why aren't I getting it?] but I wanted to get something to you fast! I'm flying to New York today [on a broomstick] to meet up with "Jo" and "Natalie." [Sweet Primetime Christ! Blair has finally lost it; she thinks Jo and Natalie are real people] Okay, I mean, Nancy McKeon and Mindy Cohn [Nevermind]. I am SOOOOO excited. I miss them very much. ["...but with a little more practice at the shooting range..."] I'm so bummed that Kim Fields won't be joining us. She must be in a play or something [Maybe she's found the last shred of her dignity] because she is usually cool ["That's Negro-speak for 'OK'"] about all the oldie-goldie stuff [Is Blair talking about weed?]. I'll find out the scoop and write about it in next week's journal entry ["located in the enchanted forrest in my mind"].

Just in case you want to tune in, or set your Tivos [You taped over The Sopranos with WHAT???]. Here's the publicity schedule for the release of Seasons One and Two of "The Facts of Life" on DVD. (Check local times and listings)

[At this point Blair lists a bunch of shitty programs (Total moron fodder like Fox & Friends and Access Hollywood) on which she appeared on the 9th and the 10th. I'd reprint them, but it would only make you weep over missing Blair publicity tour. One show of note, however, was Frank DeCaro Show on $irius $atellite Radio. Frank DeCaro? Frank "Out at the Movies" DeCaro? Gay Frank DeCaro? Did born-again Blair realize that she would be sharing the mic with a man so flaming that he refers to Truman Capote as "that Breeder"? Maybe DeCaro thought that Blair was coming by to plug an instructional Fisting DVD*. ]

Doesn't this sound like fun? [That's a trick question, right?] I promise to take lots of pictures to post in next week's journal entry. By the way, Sony sent me a copy of the DVD and it is fabulous [Sony sent her a copy? One single copy. ]. The best part, in my opinion, is the interviews before and after the shows [I guess security at those supermax prisons ain't what it used to be.]. It is fun to see how everyone looks today [The FATS of Life] and hear their memories of the show. If you want to reserve your copy of the DVD to be sent out the moment it is released (May 9th) then the link below that will take you to where I've provided a link from my website.

buy shit

Remember, the facts of life are all about You - You-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! [I swear to fuck, that's how she signed off: "You-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!". And thus a RATYHTL catchphrase was born]

* That got me thinking: with today's digital technology, would it be possible to alter the episodes so they all revolved around… oh, let's say "Fisting". I'm about to work beyond "blue" folks, so get ready for some Junior High humor:

Episode: Putting the "F" back in Fist.
Synopsis: Jo is shocked to learn that she's failing Sex Ed. But not as shocked as Blair when Jo asks for her help "cramming" late into the night.

Episode: RinGoo
Synopsis: Tootie "borrows" and then "misplaces" Mrs. Garret's prize possession - her Grandmother's ring". Can Natalie's gynecologist (guest star Howie Mandel) save the day before Edna gets back from wherever the fuck old people go?

Episode: Look Ma', No Cavities (Left Unexplored)
Synopsis: Natalie is thrilled about the prospect of her favorite playing the Prom - until she gets stood up. Special guess stars Color Me Bad stop by to teach an important lesson about "accepting things... accepting them deep inside you."