Thoughtless for the Day

Yesterday we took a brief look at highbrow versus lowbrow humor (just like the guy who sings for that other "Dead" band, I thought the lowbrow caption was funnier), but what about unibrow humor?

If you're not afflicted with a unibrow, then you probably know someone who is. Famous unibrowed Americans include alcoholic General and President Ulysses S. Grant, Bert from Sesame Street, and future host of The View Henry Rollins. But I bet you didn't know that shaving the space between your eyebrows is a SIN on par with murder, robbery, or fucking some dude in the dumper. It's true. Just check out Deuteronomy 14:1

"Ye are the children of the LORD your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead."

Got that? Don't shave between your eyebrows* even if some dead guy asks you to. And yet tens of millions of Americans (and as many as a dozen Armenians) shave between their eyebrows every day. Will no one put an end to this sacrilegious madness?

I don't know about you, but when it comes to madness, I think of one name before all others...

Dear Senator Santorum,

"Ye are the children of the LORD your God: ye shall not ... make any baldness between your eyes..."

God said it; you and I believe it; and, in a perfect world, that should settle it. Unfortunately, there are many secular types out there who think nothing about shaving the space between there eyebrows in order to eliminate what the godless liberal elitists who control the media and many of minor league hockey teams have deemed "Unibrow".

If people start shaving their eyebrows, who knows what they might start shaving next.

That's why I'm asking you to sponsor the Defense of Traditional Eyebrows Act. The bill (I'll give you the "bare-bones" version. Feel free to "flesh-it-out" however you please. If you want to add a rider to build an Air Force Base in Allegheny County, that's none of my beeswax) would essentially allow employers to fire anyone they suspect of shaving between their eyebrows. Also, people who shave between their eyebrows wouldn't be allowed to adopt (except, maybe, Mexican kids), or to owe hockey teams (either Major or Minor League). You might want to also amend the marriage ceremony to include the following: "These eyebrows that God has brought together, let no man put asunder."

With your help, Senator, and by the grace of a loving yet vengeful, jealous, angry, and capricious God, victory will be ours.

Unshavenly yours,

Rodney Anonymous

* Yes, I know that Leviticus 14:1-9 says "It will be on the seventh day that he shall shave off all his hair: he shall shave his head and his beard and his eyebrows, even all his hair", but that's only because...um...hey, look over there!