Beating about the Brow
I'm going to assume, because you're reading this on a computer, that you're sitting down. However, on the off-chance that you're standing up, you'll want to sit down before you read anything further because you about to encounter the craziest fucking thing you've ever read.
Sitting? OK, here we go:
Do you remember a few weeks back, right on the heels of the discovery of Tiktaalik, when scientists unveiled the fossil of Najash rionegrina: a transitional creature between tetrapods and snakes? Now, you probably knew, right then and there, that the Fundies were going to have something crazy to say about the find, but none of us members of the Thinking Class could've ever, in our wildest dreams, guessed at just how totally fucktarded their response would be:
Some Fundies are claiming that Najash rionegrina is not a confirmation of the Theory of Evolution, but proof positive of the accuracy of Genesis 3.14, wherein God punishes the serpent by forcing it to crawl about on its belly.
I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry about that. On the one hand, it's a postulation so uniquely insane that you have to admire it on the grounds of sheer originality. On the other hand, it's such a sad and desperate attempt to preserve an outdate view of natural history, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that one is left just shaking his or her head in sorrow.
Of course, not all Fundies are eager to jump on the of Genesis 3.14 bandwagon. The folks over at Answers in Genesis ("Upholding the Authority of the Bible from the Very First Verse") say "not-so-fast, our speaking-in-tongues brethren!" No, not because the idea is bat-shit crazy, but because they claim that the Najash rionegrina fossil dates to the time of the Biblical flood: 1,500 years after the snake was forced to give up its legs.
Please excuse me while I attempt to duct tape my skull back together.
How do rational human beings, like us, counter that sort of unbridled ignorance? The truth is that we can't. We've tried using logic and evidence, but those tools have never been able to make even the slightest dent in the thick craniums of people whose worldview is based on superstition. But that doesn't mean that we can't have some fun.
Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you Operation Browbeat
All you need to play along is a free email account, a deep-seated sense of outrage, and an overt foundness for quotation marks. Speaking of quotations, you might also want to memorize the following from Deuteronomy 14:1:
"Ye are the children of the LORD your God: ye shall not ... make any baldness between your eyes..."
Now just pick a target. In this instance, I'm aiming for the Theological Questions section of the website of our new friends Answers in Genesis.
Dear Fiends-in-Christ,
First, I'd just like to take a minute to praise you for your good works. In this morally objectionable age when we Christians find our faith constantly under attack by "scientists" with their "facts" and "evidence", it refreshing to find an organization willing to stand up say "Enough already!"
That said, I have a theory that I'd like to share with you: Not a smarty-pants college-boy theory like "Evolution", but a real theory based upon what I believe to be a divine revelation. Have you ever noticed that when the Darwinists show a depiction of a "Cave Man" the dimwitted ape-like creature always has thick, connecting eyebrows? By equating dense, unplucked eyebrows with knuckle-dragging proto-humans, the satanic Evolutionist are tricking the sectarian masses into violating Deuteronomy 14:1:
"Ye are the children of the LORD your God: ye shall not ... make any baldness between your eyes..."
I'm sure that you see the validity of my theory. In fact, you may have already thought about this yourselves. I would greatly appreciate it if you would contact me immediately so that we may collaborate an article exposing this sinister plot. If I don not hear form you, I will be forced to assume that your organization has been infiltrated by the very satanic forces you claim to oppose.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry "Fongo" Fongowski
fongo23@aim.com