Thoughtless for the Day

My new Bible arrived in the mail yesterday. Unlike most Bibles, it wasn't provide for free by the Gideon Society, the Church of Latter Day Saints, or some greasy preacher who pops up on TV at two in the morning. My Bible cost me a little over a hundred bucks and came from the National Geographic. While (dum) my Bible came with less written material than the more popular Bibles, it did come with a lovely map, a pair of cheek scrapers, two collection vials, a consent form, a padded return envelope, and a terrific DVD which included instructions for collecting and shipping my DNA, as well as a fascinating documentary about the origin of mankind.

The real purpose of any Bible, and this often goes unsaid, is to provide a population with the story of where they came from. This point is driven home in a scene in the included documentary wherein Dr. Spencer Wells (Geneticist and leading candidate for the title of ) engages in minor debate with an Australian Aboriginal who fears proving that mankind originated in Africa will invalidate his people's Creation Story (For RATYHTL's angrier, obscenity filled, take on this debate click here). Instead of firing back with "Look Bwunja[popping-sound-made-with-the-lips]gunnga; I've got enough diplomas to wallpaper your hut three-times-over so, as far as I'm concerned, you and your entire tribe of ignoramuses can suck my dick while I take a shit" the way some people might have, Dr. Wells calmly explains that the man and his people have a story about where they come from in which they believe and which works just fine for them. Great: Run with that. Many others, himself included, Dr. Wells explains, do not have a story of where they came from. The Aborigines have their Dream Stories as tools to trace their origins: Dr. Wells and (far too few) other Westerners have Science. Later, Dr. Wells talks with some American Indians who, despite having their own Creation Myths, are perfectly OK with the idea that their ancestors migrated into America from Central Asia.

Here's the entirety of what I know about where I come from: My ancestors left Eastern Africa about 50,000 BCE (This would make the my nearest know relatives a the San Bushmen. Of course, no matter who you are, they're also your relatives too.) and landed in Pennsylvania sometime around 1700 CE (I know this last bit thanks to a ship's manifest I found in a book in the main branch of the Philly Library. When I would ask my parents where my ancestors came from they would answer with "Germany". The problem, of course is that there was no Germany in 1700.

Personally, I don't really care where in Europe the latter branch of my family is from; I just want to know how they got there. I know that they had to travel through what is now the Arabian Peninsula, but what happened next? Did they travel Northwest through what today are Turkey and Greece? If so, my Y chromosome will carry the M172 marker. If my ancestors turned North and East and headed through what are now Iraq and Iran, then turned North and traveled into central Asia before turning West into Europe (most Europeans' ancestors traveled this roundabout route)? If this is the case, I can expect to find the M9, M45, and M173 genetic markers in my DNA. I'll let you know as soon as I find out myself. I've already done the swabbing and will be sending in the samples tomorrow.

Speaking of Creation Myths, I know where all as tired of the South Park / Scientology battle as we are with Snakes on a Plane (If America is in such a desperate need for a catchphrase, may I suggest the following from CSA: "If'in an ol' no account Darky like me may ax a question"), but I'd just like to make one final comment about the whole shebang.

Xenu.

Tom Cruse and Isaac Hayes weren't pissed off at Matt Stone and Trey Parker because they "mocked". They were madder than baboons with red peppers up their asses because the South Park boys leaked Scientology's big secret: Xenu. Xenu is a real embarrassment to Scientologists. The same way those "Seeing Stones" of Joseph Smith's are to the Mormons. Most religions have something in their closet that they'd rather not have their followers know about. After all, how many Christians have ever head of Paul of Tarsus?