Thoughtless for the Day

"Bellum sine causa bona aut propter iram gerere non debemus."
- Cicero

Judging by your emails, it would appear that more than a few of you thought that I overacted when I sent my tiny plastic Roman army to Beantown to punish the Catholic Charities of Boston for being a bunch of dicks. The most common accusation being that my little soldiers ran wild through the streets brutal slaying men, women, and children. Allow me the correct this misconception. My army marched through the streets in an orderly formation… brutal slaying men, women, and children.

Yes, there were a few crucifixions: quite a few crucifixions, to be honest. Well, really I guess you could say that there were a great deal of crucifixions; or, to put it another way: a great deal of people were crucified. Really, you didn't see this coming: Roman army plus telephone polls plus people wearing Celtics jackets? Look, I'm somewhat sorry if your cousin from Roxbury got nailed up, but let's not forget that the vast majority of the crucifixion vict… participants only dangled helplessly for a few hours before paramedics arrived: Which is more than can be said for the people who were beheaded.

Beheadings are, of course, inexcusable. Unless, of course, one has an excuse: which I do. While (dum) my soldiers may never have heard of the Geneva Conventions (or, for that matter, Geneva) they are very well versed in Roman law: under which citizens are Roman who transgress against the Empire may be beheaded rather than crucified. This was a tough break from those people who tried to explain that they were Roman Catholics.

On the other hand, strict adherence to Roman law meant that no virgins were put to death. Unfortunately, strict adherence to this rule meant that more than a few young women were deflowered before being put to death. I would like to apologize to the families of these dead and violated girls; however, since their families were also put to death, this may be a little tricky. I think that we can all take comfort in the fact that, had my troops marched into any city other than Boston, the number of virgins encountered would've been much higher.

Look, before you stat getting all "when will we learn to give the pipes of peace a change to join hands and sing Kumbyah" on my ass, let me remind you that as many as twenty percent of the people who were either tortured or slaughtered were dangerous extremists bent on destroying the Greco-Roman principles (in this case, not giving a rat's ass what people do in their bedrooms) on which our republic was founded.

Shit Luther, you don't see anybody on the news crying about the fact that, according to interrogators stationed there, ninety-five percent of the prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay were not captured in battle or that, at best, less than ten percent of those prisons may have any knowledge whatsoever about al Qaeda.

This probably goes without saying, but let's not forget that those who criticize the Boston campaign are hurting the tiny plastic morale of my army. Just the other day, I found Centurion Decius Mallius Umbonius weeping uncontrollably because some plebian had called him a baby killer (that Decius had, earlier that day, in fact killed several babies is unimportant).

And when did everybody suddenly get the idea that war was a tidy affair in which civilians never get a scratch? I don't care how many strategic strikes your smart bomb pull off, every military campaign is going to leave some legless orphans in its wake. I didn't send my soldiers to Boston expecting the citizens of that city to welcome my troops with flowers. I expected the people of Boston to die upon my army's spears: and to be quick about it.
In closing I would just like to say that if my tiny plastic Roman soldiers were guilty of anything it was unbridled enthusiasm... coupled with a savage bloodlust.