Aw. Truly, this must be the Son of God
"John Wayne was a fag."
- Miller from Repo Man
For an Atheist, I sure have seen a whole lotta films about Jeebuz. One of my guilty pleasure favorites is the All-Star Embarrassment, The Greatest Story Ever Told. Back in my pre-cable teenage years, TGSET seemed to constantly be the feature on our local ABC affiliate's Million Dollar Movie (Yes, Dr. Evil, a million dollars was once considered a large amount to spend making a film).
One night, when I was roughly seventeen, a group of my friends and I were up late on a Saturday night drinking and watching Atheist Max von Sydow chew scenery as the Big JC. As I said, this was back in the days before cable and this night, being rather windy outside, we were experience "blowover" from another channel. Blowover was a phenomenon in which, given the right weather conditions, sound from other television stations (and, occasionally, radio stations) would drown out the audio of the program you were watching. And so it happened that on this night a miracle was witnessed by several drunken teenagers in Coatesville, PA as Judas (Which translates as "The Jew") Iscariot played by The Man from U.N.C.L.E.'s own Illya Kuryakin, David McCallum, turns to Jesus and asked "Who are you?" Jesus opened his holy mouth and, courtesy of some waves straying across the ether, replied:
"I am Mr. Ed."
If you happen to catch TGSET on TV some night, you might want to tape your eyelids open. Not only is this the only way to guarantee that you'll remain awake for the entire film, but it'll also ensure that you don't blink and miss John "The Duke" Wayne's cameo as the Roman Centurion in charge of the crucifixion: He has one line.
For many decades there's been a story floating around Hollywood that the directory of TGSET, under whelmed by John Wayne's lackluster reading of "Truly, this must be the Son of God" took the actor aside and said "Listen Duke; could you give the line some 'awe'?". The cameras rolled and, captured forever on celluloid, John Wayne (born Marion Morrison) looked into the lens and said:
"Aw. Truly, this must be the Son of God."
I think my last post lacked a certain amount of "Aw". Honestly, I was more than a little tired and I pretty much phone that one in. The point of the piece, which may've gotten lost somewhere, was supposed to be that, no matter what the question is, George Bush always gives the same answer:
"9/11 changed everything; so we've got to support our troops by giving me unlimited powers with which to fight the Global War on Terror and to provide tax cuts for Faith Based Mexican Guest Workers who want to defend Israel from Evolutionists. Amen."
In all fairness, nearly every post on this blog can be summed up as:
"Religion sucks. Now here's some Latin and Greek."
If you think about it; why should this post be any different? That said; let's recap a few days worth of Religious Stupidity Around The World:
Let's start off our travelogue of Fanaticism in Global War on Terror success story Afghanistan (check out those sweet hats) where this week Abdul Rahman was sentenced to be executed for converting to Christianity (or, as it's known in Afghanistan, "Death by natural causes") .
And to think that brave Atheist Pat Tillman actually got Neidermeyered trying to liberate these assholes.
For further comedy of an Islamic nature, we travel south to Afghanistan's border-buddy, Iraq. If Afghanistan is the Wally Cleaver of the Global War on Terror, then Iraq is the Beaver (Saudi Arabia is Eddie Haskel). Anyhoo, it was from Iraq that, earlier this week, Grand Ayatollah Sistani has declared the Gays should be killed "in the worst manner possible". By which I seriously doubt he means "make them comfortable for sixty of seventy years until they die, peacefully, in their sleep." Personally, I don't think that anybody with "Grand" in their name and a penchant for outlandish hats should be running around accusing others of being a Mosque Mary.
The above Fundie fervor would be an embarrassment to America's Religious Right (who have always championed the death penalty, a government based on biblical law, and the return of lawn jockeys) if they weren't too goddamn stupid to grasp the concept of irony: oh, and also if they weren't exactly having their best week ever.
Let's start with Pat Robertson because we always do. Here's the good Reverend reviewing the undersea epic / Bob's Big boy Kids' Menu Coloring Book, The Professors:
"...you know some of them killers... they beat these people up, cower them into submission" Yeah, I'll never forget the day that I was jumped by a homicidal gang of Anthropologists who beat me to a pulp and made off with my DNA. Sweet, merciful fuck: only in America could an assbrain like Robertson not only have his own TV show, but also his own network. Good luck with that undergrad program Pat. I hope you ordered plenty o' short buses.
The great thing about Robertson (other than his willingness to fuck barnyard animals) is that just when you think that he can't top himself, he pulls something even crazier out of that bony skull of his. Right on the heels of his warning about roaming bands of tweed jacketed killers came the following statement about radical Muslims:
"These people are crazed fanatics, and I want to say it now: I believe it's motivated by demonic power. It is satanic, and it's time we recognize what we're dealing with."
Translation: The Devil is making these people think and act just like Pat Robertson.
Robertson, at least, is free to walk the streets. That's more than can be said for his fellow believers in Jeebuz Cyst, Lynn Paddock and Mary Winkler.
Ms. Paddock was concerned about the proper means by which to discipline her adopted children, so she turned to the same source that many others have used to keep up-to-date with the latest in Pokemon porn and Bea Arthur "upskirts": The Internet. Miss Titanic, may I introduce Rabbi Iceberg?
It was on the worldwidewebofinternets that Lynn discovered the child rearing advice of Michael and Debi Pearl: "an evangelical minister and his wife who recommended using plumbing supply lines to spank misbehaving children." Miss Titanic, Rabbi Iceberg, may I introduce the Reverend Not-Enough-Fucking-Lifeboats?
The end result of Ms. Paddock's careful application of her research being the beating death of her four-year-old adopted son, Sean.
I hope sincerely hope that your plans for this evening included tossing and turning all night, because The Pearl's (of wisdom cast before non-child killing swine) book To Train Up a Child has reportedly sold more than 400,000 copies.
While, Ms. Winkler (no relation to Fonzie) didn't beat any children to death with whatever was on sale at Home Depot's plumbing department, she did manage to shoot her husband, third-generation Minister Matthew Winkler, to death. Maybe the Pearls have been publishing books on how to make a marriage work by visiting the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart?
In a related story: A study by University of Minnesota department of sociology (and gangland murder) found that Atheists are America's most distrusted minority.
"From a telephone sampling of more than 2,000 households, university researchers found that Americans rate atheists below Muslims, recent immigrants, gays and lesbians and other minority groups in 'sharing their vision of American society.' Atheists are also the minority group most Americans are least willing to allow their children to marry."
Sure, I could launch into a tirade about how neither I nor any of my Atheist friends have ever condemned anyone to death for converting to Christianity, issued a fatwah against florists, accused the Princeton physics lab of harboring known criminals, beaten a baby to death with PVC tubing, or gunned down the father of three little girls, but I'll just take the highroad and remind all of those American's who don't trust Atheist that they can suck my dick while I take a shit.
If you need a pleasant story to take your mind off the image conjured up by that last sentence, then feel free to dwell on the following exchange which recently took place between law professor (and, by logical extension, crazed ax-murderer)
Jamie Raskin and Senator Nancy Jacobs during a hearing on a proposed Constitutional Amendment to outlaw Gay marriage (outlaw Gay marriage and only Gay outlaws will have in-laws):
Jacobs: As I read Biblical principles, marriage was intended, ordained and started by God - that is my belief. For me, this is an issue solely based on religious principles.
Raskin: People place their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution; they don't put their hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible.
Translation: Senator Jacobs, you can suck my dick while I take a shit.
Before I go, I'd like to leave you with this week's scores in the Minor League Religious Wars:
US Army 1, Wiccans 0.
"The Veteran's Administration has never authorized the use of Wicca's pentacle on grave markers, even though it allows the use of symbols from 38 other beliefs, including obscure or possibly fictional religions such as Ixumo Taishakyo, Soks Gakkai, Aaronic Order, Seicho-no-ie and Presbyterians."
Scientology 1, Creators of South Park 3.
And now here's some Latin and Greek:
orbis terrarum - the world
eauto - his own