Thoughtless for the Day

While it really can't recommend Reading Lolita in Tehran (a book so poorly written that, roughly fifteen pages into it, I found myself cheering for the Mullah's in the hope that they confiscate the author's keyboard before she could crank out another tome), there's one passing anecdote smuggled into its pages that has stayed with me for some time now:

The chief theater censor in Iran, following the Islamic Revolution, was blind. Just let that sink in for a moment. The handy-capable repressor of other people's artistic visions was able to perform his duties by having an assistant describe to him what was happening on-stage. This might just be the only way possible to enjoy The [Yellow] Vagina Monologues.

In a surprising success story that's oddly absent for the American Foundation for the Blind's website, so successful was the sightless Shiite censor (say it three times, quickly) that he was promoted to the position of Head Film and Television Censor. In order to live up to the high standards that he set in his previous post, the visually challenged guardian of the public's morals had actors audio taped reading aloud the scripts for upcoming films and TV shows. To ensure that his decisions wouldn't be swayed by the seductive power of some thespian's voice, the blind censor demanded the scripts be given the most monotone treatment possible (In America we call that "Starring Charles Grodin"). The kicker is that, after the blind censor died in 1994, his replacement, who was in no way visually impaired, continued the practice of having actors record scripts in monotone voices.

Both of the men mentioned above worked for Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting. IRIB is currently run by the surprisingly photogenic Ezzatollah Zarghami. A man who I truly believe should be put in charge of America's Federal Communication Commission.

Last week the FCC fined dozens of CBS affiliates $3.6 million not because executive at the corporation thought that Julia Louis-Dreyfus' new show had an actual chance at being funny, but because an episode of the show Without a Trace featured a "teenage orgy".

CBS countered by saying that the show "featured an important and socially relevant storyline warning parents to exercise greater supervision of their teenage children. The program was not unduly graphic or explicit."

I, for one, think it's great that middle-aged drifters now have something "important and socially relevant" to jerk off to.

CBS plans to appeal the fine, but since on that same day the fine was issued the FCC also upheld a previous $550,000 fine against 20 CBS affiliates for failing to protect America from Janet Jackson's tit during the Super Bowl, CBS should swing by an ATM on the way home.

By the way, CBS has pulled the offending episode of Without a Trace, so if you want to see the graphic teenage gropefest, you'll need to stop by the website for the Parent's Television Council: the people who filled the initial complaint about the episode.

Also captured in the FCC's dragnet was The Surreal Life 2 for an episode in which someone mentioned Ron Jeremy's big cock. Only the cock was bleeped out, which means that someone, somewhere, who was acutely aware of exactly what Ron Jeremy is famous for was offended when their mind was forced to "fill-in-the-blank", so to speak.

And then there's the case of the Spanish-language talk show, Fernando Hidalgo Show. I'll just reprint the complaint:

"WJAN Miami showed a female guest who appeared 'in an open-front dress, with her nipples covered but her breasts otherwise fully exposed. As she makes her entrance, she pirouettes in front of the audience, then shakes her breasts toward the cameras.'"

So she was basically nekkid, except for her dress?

This is where Mr. Zarghami re-enters our story. I say that if America is going to talk the Fundamentalist talk, then we should walk the Fundamentalist walk as well. I don't believe in doing things half way: "Either fuck me, or give me bus fare"; that's my motto. So let's hire Ezzatollah ("Ezzy" to his hookah puffin' pals) as the new Chairmen of the FCC and start imposing fines on any show which depicts women in brightly colored dresses, because that day is coming, gentle reader, so we might as well stop putting it off.

It's either that or take the approach recently adopted by Holland. Our wooden shoe wearing cousins have begun showing would-be immigrants a film featuring two Gay men making out and a topless woman sunbathing. The message: If Fags and tits piss you off, don't move here.

Maybe we should try this tactic in America? Round up some Fundies, show 'em a "Greatest Hits" reel featuring Janet Jackson's nipple, that teenage orgy, Ron Jeremy's crotch, and that hot Hispanic chick from the Fernando Hidalgo Show. Afterwards, a simple announcement would be read over a public address system explaining that in a free society people sometimes have to witness things that might upset them and that anyone who has a problem with this should give serious thought to living somewhere else.