Three Speeches and a Funeral
Salvete populus malae volatatis,
Sorry about the several hour gap between posts, but I've had a big day (more on this later). The first items on the agenda, and something I should've mentioned on Tuesday, are a trio of eulogies from Coretta Scott King's funeral.
The first standout was Jimmy Carter who, standing only a few feet away from George Bush, managed to bring the crowded church to its feet when he said the following:
"It was difficult for them personally with the civil liberties of both husband and wife violated as they became the targets of secret government wiretapping, other surveillance."
Translation: "Someone in this room has been taking a shit all over the fourth amendment. I'm looking in your direction, Captain Dickface." Sweet economy box o' Jesus, what is Carter's problem? All President Bush asks of us is that we give him unlimited powers with which to fight the War on Terror: A war that he, himself, admits may never end.
Now, at this point, some Republican always jumps in with "Wait a cotton-pickin' minute! On May 23, 1979, Jimmy 'Shame on you, George the eavesdropper' Carter signed an Executive Order stating: 'Attorney General is authorized to approve electronic surveillance to acquire foreign intelligence information without a court order.'" Only they say it with a southern accent, use fewer "big" words, and fuck a pig while saying it.
Then I am forced to remind everybody that I am not a Democrat before pointing out that what Carter's Executive Order actually said was "1-101. Pursuant to Section 102(a)(1) of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1802(a)), the Attorney General is authorized to approve electronic surveillance to acquire foreign intelligence information without a court order, but only if the Attorney General makes the certifications required by that Section." In other words, the Attorney General would have to provide certification as required under Section 102(a)(1), that the surveillance would not be applied to "the contents of any communication to which a United States person is a party." The key words being "United States person": you know, like Dr. and Mrs. King.
Moving right along...
The next memorable eulogies came from Maya Angelou. If you can find Maya's whole speech on line I heavily recommend that you read it. Maya was surprisingly funny while remaining respectful of the occasion. I mention this only because Maya Angelou has often pestered me about speaking at my funeral. To be honest, I never thought that Maya's rather dry delivery would go over big with the Bitchin' Camero crowd so I gently put her off by saying "For fuck's sake woman, you'll be long dead and your crappy poems forgotten years before I even show the slightest hint of giving up the ghost." Then we would laugh. Or, rather, I would laugh outwardly while Maya would laugh quietly on the inside. However, after hearing Maya's farewell to Mrs. King, I would be honored to have her speak at my memorial service: as long as she doesn't throw herself onto the pyre with the seventy-five "virgin brides of Anonymous".
The only low point in Maya Angelou oration was a brief mention of her friend Winnie Mandela. Yes, the former wife of Nelson Mandela: a woman known for commanding a squadron of hooligans who specialized in placing burning car tires around the necks of their victims.
I honestly hated to bring that up, beause Maya's speech was otherwise perfect. However, brining up a dangerous lunatic does help set the stage for our final speaker, King's youngest daughter, Bernice. Who is, unfortunately, bat-shit crazy.
She delivered a rambling monologue in which she compared her mother's cancer to the "materialism, greed, racism, perversion, misogyny, idolatry and militarism" that is "eating away at the very nature of what God created us for". If you can find the whole speech on line I heavily recommend that you avoid it with all the zeal normally reserved for avoiding the three hour one-man-show, An Evening With Carrot Top.
By the way, did you notice that right there smack in the center of that role call of vices is "perversion"? You see, just like her father, Bernice King has been a tireless crusader in the area of civil rights; however, unlike Dr. King, Bernice has been crusading against the rights of an oppressed minority: in this case, Gays. Two years ago, Bernice led several thousand people, mostly African Americans, in a march supporting a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. By the way, the late, great, class act Coretta Scott King was an ardent supporter of Gay rights.
I'm now going to apply to Bernice King the same theory that I've hitherto reserved for Hank Williams Jr. I call it the "Left on the Doorstep by Their Real Fucktard Birth-Parents Hypothesis." 'Nuff said?
appellare - to name, call