Thoughtless for the Day

Salve ursus patris,

Move over Pee Wee Herman; today I am the happiest boy in Puppetland (talk about a dated reference: what's next, "look out Belinda Carlisle, for now I am the chunkiest Go Go"?). No, our favorite fascist Filipino wasn't found floating facedown in a pool of her own filth. I'm happy because the Philadelphia City Paper has started running my new monthly column: Aid or Invade (while you can read the piece on the worldwide-global-web-of-internets, I strongly suggest that interested parties residing in the greater Philadelphia area pick up a copy of the CP: that way I feel more like a columnist). OK, I can sense that some backstory is called for.

A few months back, Pat from the CP emailed me asking if I'd be interested in writing a music column. While most would-be writers would sell their children Karl Rove for a chance to ink a column, I was extremely hesitant. No. Not "hesitant". What's the word I'm looking for? Oh yeah: "hostile". I've never liked the predictable nature of music writing. Every bass line is "throbbing". Every drummer "attacks his kit" as every guitarist "stalks the stage." And nobody is ever honest enough to point out that the reason why major label success has eluded that singer/songwriter with the folkish-yet-urban vibe is because he sucks marinated badger balls.

Well, there was my dilemma. I really wanted to write a column but I didn't want music. I would've much rather have been asked to write about politics, popular culture, history, or new developments in feminine hygiene (I hear that those pads which used to have wings can now take off vertically like a Harrier Jump Jet). If I was going to about music than I had to come up with a concept so insane that it would risk being rejected even by the guy who grrenlighted Tatu:

Dear Pat,
How about this: "Aid or Invade"? Basically I'll review music from obscure countries and instead of thumbs up or down, we'll say if and how much aid the US should provide to said nation or if we she just blow the shit out of 'em. If the Bush administration hasn't already copyrighted this concept, we should be OK.

- Rodney

I highly doubt that H.L. Mencken started this way; and right now I don't care. All I know is that, at this moment, I'm on top of the world.

Nowhere to go but down.